Monday, December 31, 2007

Fine Lines

There is a fine line between a multitude of good intentions and the antithesis of those intentions. For example, there's a fine line between being generous and being foolish with your resources. There's a fine line between being helpful and being bossy. There's a fine line between using your gifts for planning & organizing to help things go smoothly and in driving people crazy with trying to plan and organize EVERYTHING (in their lives and in yours). I think I live my life with one foot dangling on either side of each and every fine line.

I usually have the best of intentions. But I find more and more that my giftings can be used for good or for evil. It's all in how I learn to use them. And certainly no one helps me identify more quickly when I'm stepping over those fine lines than my children.

I want my daughter's lives to be amazing. I want everything to go well for them. I want excitement and adventure. I want them to be able to go through life wide-eyed and full of wonder at all God has created, and all that there is to experience. Now, I know it's good for them to go through trials and to have things fall apart now and then. It causes growth, maturity. But even knowing that, and even though I thank God for every time He brings them through and for everything He reveals to them in the process, I don't like it. I just want them to be happy. Always.

So I try to help in any way I can. And do I wind up being the thoughtful, caring, loving, nurturing mom I try to be? Sometimes, but all too often I think it comes across more as controlling, pushy, and even (ugh) manipulative. I work everything out in my head for the best possible scenario for them and then I lay my well-thought-out plan before them, thinking what? That they'll embrace it and thank me for planning out their lives? Even I know they don't want me planning out their lives.

But what they don't realize is I lay awake at night dreaming of all their possibilities. I pray for God to give them wonderful experiences. I pray for their future spouses and for the lives they will have together. I pray they get to live out some of their dreams. I pray that the beautiful smiles can always stay on their faces.

I think I've heard people mention it once or twice in the distant past, but I never realized how hard it was going to be to let go. Every time I let the thought flit through my head that they don't need me like they used to, my heart skips a beat. What is that deep pain? And how do I possibly let go of these two girls who have been the center of my purpose for so many years? I have always planned things for them. I've always taken care of them. I've always picked them up when they've fallen and shown them the path to take next.

But now I stand in the background and watch. They must have paid more attention than I thought, because just look at how capable they are of making their own decisions. They know what to do. And if they fall, they know how to get up and head the right direction. They know God is their only true hope. And as long as they know that, they will always be okay.

So I try to stay on the right side of that thin line. And every time I succeed (and even every time I fail) that line seems to become more defined. It gets wider and bolder. And I manage to keep from stepping over it a little more often. But the funny thing is, that wider and bolder line doesn't become a giant chasm between my daughters and I. They have their lives and I have mine, but that thick bold line becomes the place where we meet in the middle. The place our lives intertwine. The place where our individual lives come together and we laugh and cry and share.

You see, they still really need me. They just need me differently.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Conversation with a Dishwasher

I think my portable dishwasher spoke to me last night. But before you start looking through the yellow pages for the nearest psych ward you can get me into, let me tell you what happened.

Although I like the little bit of extra counter space my portable dishwasher gives me, it's in the way as much or more than it's not. We have to wheel it over by the sink when we are running it, during which times it creates quite the little obstacle course. Just inside the doorway, we have a bread box that sticks out from the wall. When entering the kitchen, you have to bend just enough to keep your head from hitting the bread box while staying back far enough to maneuver the rest of your body around the dishwasher. You then slide sideways between the dishwasher and the center island before you make your final twist to freedom. I can't tell you how many times I hit my head on the bread box before I got the maneuver down.

Last night, I had to go in the kitchen while the dishwasher was running. As I was leaving the kitchen, I realized I had quickly ducked and weaved through the familiar course without even so much as turning a light on. I was really impressed with myself, knowing exactly how far to bend and turn to make it through without hitting anything. And this got me to thinking about life in general. How many things had there been in my life that I failed at over and over before finally getting it right? Then after FINALLY getting it, it becomes so natural you can do it without even thinking!

And that's where the brakes screeched and my thoughts came to an abrupt halt. "Without even thinking". Now, I'm not one that wants to go on whacking my head through all eternity. I want to learn and to change. But I don't ever want to become so comfortable with my valuable life-lessons that I begin to operate in them mindlessly.

Here's where it gets hard to explain. I think all the lessons in my life that have come harder to me have been the things I most appreciate when I FINALLY get them. Sometimes having battle scars makes the victories sweeter. Once we finally get that victory, it's certainly worth celebrating, but I don't think it was ever meant to stop there. It's great to have overcome, and it's even great if it begins to come naturally to us. But if we reach the point where we're no longer mindful of it, how do we use it to help others?

Peter seemed to always be very mindful of his life-lessons. He never thought, "I'm good now. That's all that matters." In his letters you can see very clearly where he passed along to others the things that Jesus had taught him, and that his life experiences had taught him. Some of those things did not come easily. In fact, he did a lot of suffering before some of his breakthroughs. But then you read his letters and you see that he is passionate about helping others see what he's learned. I can't imagine how many people he's helped with that encouragement. I know he's helped me.

So we may very well be the ones who get the privilege of getting knocked in the head a few times before the lights finally go on, but that doesn't mean we're the only ones meant to benefit from it. How much brighter will the light of revelation be if we keep our eyes open for opportunities to share it with others who may be struggling with the same things??!! Do we take the time to notice when people are struggling with the same things that we used to struggle with? I guess I just don't want the victories to become so natural to me that I forget what it was like before I had them.

I may be at the place where I'm able to maneuver around the dishwasher with the lights off, but I think may be of more help to others if I keep the lights on and pay attention.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Top 5

Although we have a New Year's Eve party to plan yet, the Holiday rush is pretty much over. It's almost a sad day... taking down the tree, putting away the ornaments, no more gifts to give or to open. And yet, as exciting as the Holiday season is, I'm pretty sure I couldn't live like that all year long. How utterly exhausting that would be. As much as I love all our traditions and all the special little things that make everything Christmas-y, it's going to be nice to just settle back into our normal lives. (I especially like having the space in my living room back after the tree is gone!) One of the greatest parts of Christmas is spending time with family and I'm lucky enough to have that all year long.

It seems natural at the end of the year to reflect on our lives . . . where we've been, what we've accomplished, how we've changed . . . and also to think about the things we'd like to change/accomplish in the next year. I actually think about those kinds of things all year long, but since we're drawing to the close of the year, I find myself motivated to write some of them down. Here are my Top 5 goals for 2008:

1. To be more compassionate. It's easy for me to be compassionate toward people I feel deserve it. It's much harder when I think people are getting what they deserve. (That's so amazing that I can have an attitude like that when I'm fully aware of the times God so graciously didn't give me what I deserved.) Jesus never enabled people, and yet at the same time he always showed compassion. Being able to live life in that delicate balance is a gift I believe can only come from Him, and I deeply desire that gift. I want to be able to see things as they are, offer whatever insight God gives me to offer, offer whatever help he inspires me to give and do it all with a heart that's full of compassion.

2. To help more people. I do love helping people, but often times I find myself making selfish decisions instead. Usually it's because I haven't even taken the time to assess the needs of those around me. I want to become more aware of the needs of people and the ways that I can help. I want to help them cheerfully, and I want to be happier that I've been able to help them than I would be if I was able to do something for myself.

3. I want to care about more things. It's hard for me to care about things that aren't in my immediate surroundings. I'm one of those people that can hear the plights of the starving people in third world countries, say 'Oh, that's so sad' (and mean it) and then go out to eat with my family without giving it another thought. If it's not where I can see it, touch it, be a part of it, I have trouble understanding the reality of it. I am pretty aware of the fact that I've lived a pampered life here in the United States, even living most of my life at the poorer end of the pamperedness. But I don't think I understand the depth of the privilege I've really had. I've seen movies that last a couple of hours and they make me want to go somewhere and do something to help people. But when I find no immediate outlets to see that through, I go back to my life and I forget. I don't want to forget. I want to make a difference.

4. I want to be a better wife and mother. I know my family knows I love them. And I know they appreciate the things I do for them. But I wish I could be more for them. I think I've come a long way in getting past the old baggage I carried into my adult life, but there are still things I want to change, areas I want to grow in. I wish I could be quiet more. A better listener. Or maybe it's just better at letting them know I've heard them. Sometimes I speed so quickly into possible solutions that I think they don't think I've really even heard what they've said. There is no one on the planet I love more than my husband, my daughters, and my granddaughter and I just wish I could be everything they would ever want or need me to be.

5. To love freely. Sometimes I feel like I'm still too guarded with my heart. I catch myself sizing people up, deciding whether they're worth the risk. Will the relationship be too much work? Have they said hurtful things in the past so I don't want to take another chance? I want to be so secure in God's love for me, so aware that He's all I need, that I'm completely free to love in total abandon. I don't ever want to PRETEND to love someone. I never want to PRETEND to care. I want to love, and I want it to be real. Romans 12:9 Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.

So as this year comes to a close, I find myself in the familiar position of being face down at the feet of Jesus. Please help me, Lord. Help me to grow in 2008.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friends

Something about this time of year just makes me sentimental. And one of the things I think about a lot are our friends. I love watching It's a Wonderful Life every year. I cry every time I watch it, and it's because of the look on George Bailey's (Jimmy Stewart's) face as he realizes how many people really love him. He realizes how rich he is because of the love of his friends. I can totally relate to that feeling.

Leonard and I feel incredibly rich, and it certainly has nothing to do with money. We have so many people who have deeply touched us with their friendship. Kenneth & Miriam are the kind of friends that just spur us on to greatness. It doesn't matter what we endeavor to do, they ALWAYS have encouraging insight of what God can do in the situation and they ALWAYS believe in us. They know that God is with us, and they believe we will succeed. It doesn't matter what it is. And I know if we were in George Bailey's predicament, Kenneth & Miriam would be at the front of the line, offering whatever they could to help. We treasure their friendship and their love.

Phil and Terri, Brian and Joyce, Jerry and Rebekah, Dave and Karolynn, Dusty and Michelle, Jim, Jean, Doug, and Jodie . . . the list goes on and on. We have so many friends that have made such a difference in our lives. And we treasure each one of them for the years of friendship and for the memories we have with them.

Paul Thompson is getting very close to the time when he will be going home. And by home I mean his real home . . . the really great one. He will get to find out what Jesus really meant by "I go to prepare a place for you". He'll get to see it with his own eyes and experience everything we've all just dreamed about. It makes me very excited for him. But it just doesn't make me any less sad.

When I think of Paul and Marjorie Thompson, my heart immediately warms. They are parents to the whole church. They love and encourage everyone. They have always shown Leonard and I how much they really, truly care for us, and we have never doubted their love. I remember all the times I teased Paul about being thrown in the brig when he was in the service, and I remember all the times he gave me a hard time for not playing my trumpet anymore! I remember him handing tootsie rolls out to all the kids . . . and I remember how he let me be a kid, too, at those times! I remember his stories (in fact I've memorized some of them!) but I remember more the smile on his face as he told them. I remember his laugh. I remember his love. Paul was a friend to everyone, whether he knew them or not. He was the kind of friend Jesus has encouraged us all to be. And today, in doing a sort of tribute to friendship, I want to dedicate this page to Paul.

Here's to Paul Thompson . . . the richest man in town.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Happily Ever After

I was talking to Leonard last night and telling him how much I love our lives. I love our daughters, our granddaughter, our work, our friends . . . and, of course, him! It's as if we're living our very own "happily ever after". There is seriously nothing I would change!

Don't get me wrong . . . there ARE things that need to change. There are areas Leonard and I still need to grow in. There are never-ending projects that need to be taken care of in our house. There are attitudes to change and lessons to be learned. But I guess what I'm saying is none of that needs to change for me to live happily ever after.

I don't know for sure how or why this happened. Did God just bless us beyond our wildest dreams? Or have we just learned through life's lessons what's really important? I think it's a combination of both.

Although I do feel really blessed by God, it's kind of a touchy subject for me. I remember hearing some very financially successful people say, "This is nothing we have done... it's all God. He has just chosen to really bless us!" Now, they were giving God the glory for their success, as they should. But at the time, my whole world was falling apart so it was actually very discouraging to me. Why did God want to bless them, but not me? Did God not love me as much? Did He not trust me? It made me feel like something was very wrong with me.

Obviously, that's not the case. And I'm actually grateful now for every single moment of everything I've gone through. God has been so faithful to me. He has taught me something through every experience. He has brought me closer and closer to Himself. I know that our lives may not always be as perfect as they seem today. In fact, in this world the chances are pretty good that we will still have to go through some very hard and even traumatic times in one way or another. But I hope I have grown enough in my walk with Christ that I will still feel really blessed even through the most difficult of times.

I guess that's what I've learned. To stand up in front of people and say that because you have achieved financial success God has richly blessed you, is misleading at the very least. I want to stand up in front of people and say:

I have lived it all. I have been very poor, and I have had plenty. I have laughed, but I have cried. I've had times that I've struggled just to make it from day to day, and other times that life was pure joy. And this is what I know: God has blessed us. All of us. Even if you are going through the hardest times of your life, know that His blessings are on you. Open your heart to Him. Hear His tender voice as He is speaking to you. Absorb it all, because when these hard times are past (and they WILL pass) you will be closer to Him. You will be stronger and wiser and more refined. You will be more focused on the path He has chosen for you.

And you WILL live happily ever after.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Let it Click.

Peter is one of my favorite people in the Bible. I can totally relate to the act now, think later personality he portrayed both before he met Jesus and even as he travelled with Him. And I admire him most of all for his ability to stand up and be the man Jesus called him to be, even after the heart-wrenching and humiliating experience of denying Him three times.

Certainly even back then it was hard to face people when you knew that THEY knew how badly you failed. It's really hard not to think of the people in the Bible as larger-than-life, but Peter really was just a man. I know, I know . . . Jesus was just a man, too. But I think of Him as a man with benefits. He was no ordinary man. Peter was a very ORDINARY man.

As you read through I & II Peter, you can see very clearly how he passes along the lessons he learned through his own life experiences. He knew he failed, but he also knew he could use those failures to help others see truth. So, thinking totally of Jesus and not of himself, he went forward. He loved, he taught, he cared. And he became a tremendous man of God, full of faith and purpose.

It seems so long ago, doesn't it? Sometimes it's hard to see how relevent that is today. But it is. It's very relevent. If only we could get our minds around the fact that Peter was just a man . . . just an ordinary man. Maybe like your husband or neighbor or brother. Maybe like the guy that works in the cubicle next to you. Maybe like a rude clerk at the grocery store. If we could REALLY get our minds around that, maybe something would click inside of us.

I think it's really hard for most of us to think God can do amazing things with our lives. We know ourselves. We know every shortcoming, we know every bad attitude. We know sometimes we lack motivation and sometimes we're totally self-centered. And we're pretty darn confident VeggieTales won't be basing any cute vegetable stories on our lives.

And yet we know it's there. That love, that devotion. That desire to have our lives bring glory to Him. Peter was just a fisherman. In fact, he was a fisherman that made a lot of mistakes in life. But when he saw Jesus, something changed. Oh, he still made mistakes. He still acted without thinking. And he still had the capacity to act selfishly. But something burned inside of him . . . that love . . . that powerful love.

Try to get your mind around it. Peter was an ordinary human being with ordinary problems and ordinary attitudes. No different than you. And as you really meditate on it, my prayer is that you will feel that little click on the inside. He CAN use you. With all the flaws, all the attitudes, all the growth that still needs to take place. He CAN use you to do amazing things for His kingdom.

In fact, He wants to.

Friday, November 30, 2007

FIGHTING RELIGION

I don't know if I've been hearing it more lately or if I've just been noticing it more, but I've noticed the subject of "religion" keeps coming up. I know how I feel about the subject, but it's really hard to discuss something that is defined in so many different ways by so many different people. Some people define religion as Christianity. I am at the other end of the spectrum... I think religion opposes Christianity.

That being said, I think that like most people I struggle with religion every day of my Christian life. As much as I hate it and as damaging as I think it is to relationships, I still find it seeping its way into my everyday life. Is it human nature to turn everything into a routine? That's where it starts with me. God will put something new and exciting in my heart, and I run with it. The next thing I know, it becomes routine. And finally, nothing more than religious ritual.

I don't know if anyone can relate to what I'm saying, but I've seen it even in my own church. We have pretty routine services right now. You could set your watches by them. But it used to be we let our services be "led by the Spirit". That sounds good, but the truth is that even then everything would become routine. We would find something that really impacted us, then we would do it again and again until it became routine and soon, a meaningless ritual. My definition of religion? Meaningless rituals.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't blame our church. In fact, there could be (and probably are) people that don't even see things the way I do. I think religion is a very personal and internal problem. No one can turn something into a meaningless ritual for you. That's something you do yourself. And it's a big problem for me.

I am not one of those people who can get up and pray every morning at the same time. By day 3, or certainly by at least day 5 . . . . meaningless ritual. Anything I set a time schedule for, it's not long before I'm doing it for no other reason than because it's what I'm supposed to do. We don't pray before every meal for the same reason. When we have special guests, we usually pray before the meal, sometimes because we want to thank God for the special occasion and sometimes because we just think our guests would be uncomfortable NOT praying (nothing to do with my cooking, mind you). Does that mean we're not thankful? Absolutely not. I am SO grateful for God's provision in our lives. I just don't tell Him at the same time in the same way every day. I just can't do it. I hate reading books about the "spiritual disciplines" because they all seem to point to the same thing . . . develop a routine. Doesn't anyone else feel like everything loses its meaning once it becomes a routine? Maybe its just a matter of personality, but the time came when I had to be okay with the fact that I would never be a master of the spiritual disciplines, because for me it would reduce my Christianity to nothing but meaningless ritual.

Now, I wish I was going to tie this all up neatly with a perfectly reasonable solution, but I'm not. I have no solution other than constantly seeking God (which I guess no one could argue with as a pretty good solution in itself). I thank God that He is the master of creativity and that every time I think there couldn't be anything new in our relationship, He shows me something amazing. I am so grateful that His word is alive and that the same passages can speak new things to me at different times.

I just wish that since I hate routines and rituals SO MUCH, that I could figure out why I keep turning everything into one.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Passing It On


Last weekend as we kicked off our holiday season, the always controversial subject of "The Christmas Letter" came up. I like to write a Christmas letter every year . . . and Jenelle and Rachel like to make fun of it! In fact, last year they vetoed it altogether and wrote the Christmas letter themselves! Little did they know, I liked that even better. This year, however, Jenelle and Rachel both asked that I not write about them in the Christmas letter. Why? Because they hadn't done anything.

It's amazing to me how they can look at themselves and think they haven't done anything. I'm sure Jenelle just looks at her life right now as "one year of school after another" but when I look at her I see my little girl all grown up, focused, and moving forward toward the goal she has set for herself. And Rachel started school in October on top of raising a 1-year-old . . . which, as any of us who are parents KNOW, is a trying (albeit rewarding) feat in itself! Going to school may seem boring and uneventful to them, but I couldn't be more proud of them.

And certainly it's not just the school. Terri and I were talking in the nursery on Sunday about how fun it is as we start to see parts of ourselves in our children. I see Jenelle's passion, her love for worship, her creativity . . . and my heart just warms. She has picked up the baton and she will take it farther than I ever dreamed of. I love to write. She writes better. I love to sing. She sings better. I love creating dramas, planning parties, heading up social events. She does it all better. And I just couldn't be happier.

Then there's Rachel . . . remember the line on Friends where Rachel Green realizes she's just like her father? She said, "I was trying so hard not to become my mom, I didn't see this coming!" Rachel has always gloried in her individuality, but she has the heart of her dad. She is not one to just sit around and watch when someone is in need. She wants something to be done about it, and she will always do whatever she can do to help. Not only will she volunteer to be on a team, she is just as willing to head one up. If no one else is doing anything about it, she will. And that's so Leonard. I love to watch the two of them together. They dig in and work hard, no matter what the task. Rachel has a deep gift of compassion for the hurting and the oppressed, just like her dad. And although she has her hands full right now raising her daughter and going to school, Leonard and I can see the writing on the wall. Rachel will lead people out of complacency and into action . . . something the church desperately needs.

And now as Leonard and I get older, we find ourselves tempted to slow down a bit. Maybe a few less social events, a little less company. But now the tables have turned. It's the girls who are always right there, spurring us on, saying, "Come on, you guys! You used to be fun!"

And we have to smile. They're right. They should know. They're just like us.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

TAG YOU'RE IT - 3 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME

This is in response to the "3 Things You Didn't Know About Me" on the Good Girl Lit blog http://www.goodgirllit.blogspot.com/

I read over the things people wrote on the Good Girl Lit blog and realized I have led a pretty uneventful life. I don't know any famous people, nor have they sent me postcards. I've never been out of the country, and although I've always thought the Charleston was an amazing dance, I've always felt it was a notch or two above my skill set.

However, upon reflection I realized I've made a few of my own moments after all . . .

1. Once when my husband, Leonard, was teaching me to drive a motorcycle around a school parking lot (he was on the back), I realized I wasn't going to be able to make a turn quickly enough. Right before the motorcycle hit the cement parking block, I jumped off and left Leonard to crash. (In my defense, I didn't have time to yell, "Every man for himself!") (Don't worry... he was fine!)

2. Once when Jenelle was a toddler, Leonard and I both thought the other one put her in the carseat after church. We were 4 blocks away before either of us looked back and saw she wasn't there. When we got back to the church she was standing on the sidewalk holding our friend, Gary Rihanek's hand. (And to think, our kids made it through to their adult years!)

3. My friend Michelle and I once tried to move a recliner from my basement to the upstairs. We got it stuck in the stairwell in such a way that it was actually "suspended" in mid-air. We didn't want to tell anyone what we had done, so we pushed as hard as we could to get it unstuck. We eventually got it wedged in there so tight it took 4 guys to get it out. (After they stopped laughing, of course.)

hmmm.... These are probably all examples of the things to which my husband would say, "....and I can't believe you told anyone!"

Being Alone Together

Why is it that on one day it can seem like life just can't get any better, but the next day I have trouble appreciating anything at all in my life? As near as I can tell, absolutely nothing has changed from yesterday to today. And yet, today I'm in one of those "frumps". And what does God think of my moodiness? Is it a lack of faith? At least a lack of focus?

I don't know, but the fact is it happens. The strange thing is, though, that I kind of feel even closer to God when I'm in one of these moods than when I'm not. How can I feel closer to God when I'm gloomy and unappreciative? It doesn't make any sense.

Then I think about my husband, Leonard. I love all the good times we have together, and those are the times I treasure the most. But one of the things that makes our relationship so much deeper than the other relationships I have is that with him I don't have to be happy and fun all the time. I can be gloomy, upset, irrational, or even just plain boring and he's still right there beside me, loving me. Even so, I know there's got to be times my emotional state is frustrating or at least perplexing to him. That's what gives God the one-up on him.

God is absolutely amazing. Not only is He never frustrated or perplexed with me, He totally understands me at all times. I can't even say that about myself. There are a lot of times when I don't understand myself at all, and it is so comforting to me to know that my life belongs to someone who totally understands every aspect of my life and my personality. When I'm frustrated and gloomy (usually I'm frustrated BECAUSE I'm gloomy), I feel a strange sense of peace just knowing He is near me. He is the one that keeps me from feeling like I'm totally misunderstood and completely alone. And even though I often have nothing to say to Him at these times, I can feel Him near me. And as I sit with Him, I know He doesn't mind that I'm not full of vision and hope today. Let's just sit here together and when you're ready, I'll help you up. His voice brings peace and comfort to my heart. And once again, He lets me know it's okay to be me.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Season for Sentiment


Tonight we're going to the last campfire of the season. I love sitting around the campfire, staying up well past my usual 9-10:00 bedtime and talking into the wee hours of the night. There is something about the glow of the fire and the stillness of the night that makes time just an irrelevent detail. But we've reached the end of the season, and the last campfire is really a confession that summer is over and it's time to gear up for winter.

I've always thought Fall was a great idea for the transition... all the leaves turn beautiful colors before they fall off the trees, leaving them exposed until the snow comes to cover them. I get really sentimental this time of year, reflecting on the memories of summer and anticipating the new memories that will be made this upcoming holiday season. This time of year, there is no past, present, and future. In my heart I live it all at once. I can see Jenelle and Rachel toddling down our stairs, learning to ride their bikes, playing at the park, sledding on our hill, driving off for prom, and tp-ing our own house . . . and it's all in present-tense. I love reminiscing . . . there is so much laughter, so many stories, so much joy that lives in our home and in our family.

I think my favorite day of the year is the day after Thanksgiving. It's the day our Christmas season really begins. We get up early with all the crazy people to line up at the stores with the best deals. In fact this year Jenelle and Rachel intend to camp out all night in front of a store to be in the front of the line. They don't even know what the stores have yet. It really doesn't matter . . . it's all about the experience!

Sometime during the early afternoon we go pick out our Christmas tree. Always from the same lot, always the same kind of tree...one with big, soft needles. We take it home, decorate, and then we turn down the lights, light some candles, turn on the Christmas music, and admire our work as we eat grilled cheese sandwiches and drink hot cocoa. Now, the grilled cheese sandwiches and hot cocoa have been the source of a lot of mockery for me through the years. When I was a kid, my grandma would make this every single Christmas Eve, and it was such a heart-warming tradition that I decided to carry it on with my family. Except, the problem was the first few years we never did it. I would tell people it was one of our family traditions, and the rest of the family was quick to point out that the only tradition was me SAYING it was our tradition. (As long as I had the good intentions in my heart, that was good enough for me!) Finally, although it wound up being the day after Thanksgiving instead of Christmas Eve, it did eventually become one of our own heart-warming traditions.

So, before the snow flies, and while we still have some Fall left to enjoy, I just want to wish everyone a very wonderful holiday season. Eat lots of turkey on Thanksgiving, have fun with all your Christmas traditions (real or imagined!), and most of all.... thank God that He's given us the families we have to experience it all with!

Merry Early Christmas, everybody! (I told you I get sentimental!)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

And This is Life . . .

There really doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes life goes really well, and other times it's just really hard. Some people would say God is rewarding or punishing you, depending on how things are going, but I've never really bought into that thinking. (There are entirely too many holes in that theory.)

Of course, I'm not talking about the consequences we have from things we've done. The cause and effect stuff is pretty self-explanatory. I'm talking about the stuff that is out of our control.... we've done the best we can and things just either go well for us or they don't.

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

That verse brings me such incredible comfort, peace, and even hope as I go through the ups and downs of life. Let's face it, we live in a very imperfect world. If bad things aren't happening to us, they are certainly happening to someone we know. And we can say the same thing about the good things... if things aren't going well for us, they're going well for someone! But I think we do ourselves a great disservice when we start making comparisons. What am I doing wrong that things aren't going as well for me as they are for them?

You may not be doing anything wrong. It's all part of living life. The older I get the more I think we put entirely too much weight on "how things are going". Now certainly I don't hope for things to go badly, but if they do I KNOW that God will cause something good to come of it. One way or another He will use it to shape me a little more into the person I was always meant to be.

You see, I'm a work in progress. I remember the younger years when it seemed so important to know a lot . . . or at least to appear to know a lot. I don't live under that kind of pressure anymore. Somewhere along the way, I came to love the journey. I love the ups and the downs, and I love the fact that there are so many things I don't know yet. What fun would it be if there were nothing else to discover? And while I would be lying if I said the down times weren't hard for me (they are), at the same time there's an incredible anticipation for what God is going to show me in all of it. Have you ever been down-trodden and excited at the same time? For my personality type, it's the emotional equivalent of parachuting out of an airplane (which I've always wanted to do, by the way.) All the way down you must be asking yourself how the good could be so bad and the bad could be so good!

When I was going through the most difficult time of my life, God spoke something to my heart that has stuck with me through all these years. All my prayers were basically begging God to get me through that time. Or, more accurately, past it. I just wanted to get out of that place, out of that depression. One night, as I was crying out to God, He comforted me with something that I would never have thought would comfort me. He said, "Don't spend so much time hoping for the day things are different that you miss out on what I am showing you today." After that, I started paying more attention. And during the months that followed, I learned more about God, His love, His faithfulness, and His strength than I had ever learned before or since. Those months solidified our relationship. Now I KNOW that no matter what turn life takes, He will be with me. I KNOW there is nothing I could ever do or say that would cause Him to give up on me. I KNOW his love is deeper and stronger than any of us could even begin to imagine. And I KNOW nothing could ever, ever, ever diminish the love I feel for Him.

And those are really great things to know.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Favorite Reader

There aren't very many people who read my blog. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't told many people about it. I write because I love to write, and I'm afraid it would be too much pressure if people were reading and critiquing it. But I do have one faithful reader I know about that comments regularly. Why are there so many entries that say 0 comments, you ask? Because he comes into my office and tells me his comments face-to-face.

It's nice when your #1 fan is your husband. He either loves everything I write, or he does a great job of faking it. He always tells me which parts really mean something to him, and he tells me he reads them through really slowly...twice... so he doesn't miss anything. He checks my blog every day, and encourages me to write if I skip very many. His encouragement is of the kind that inspires me to do great things. And it doesn't stop with my blog.

Leonard and I have been working together since October 1st, and being in the office has never been such a joy. The weight that I felt I carried before is simply not heavy anymore. I have the same tasks, the same goals, the same deadlines that I had in September. It's just so much easier to carry them now that he's with me. His presence just has a calming effect on me. We pray together in my office every morning before we start the day, and it reminds us that everything we do is wrapped up in God. We want to do what He wants us to do. And we want to do it together.

I guess I just wanted this one entry to pay tribute to the man that God put in my life, the man that spurs me on. God has blessed me far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of or hoped for when He gave me Leonard. And I wouldn't want to live my life any other way.

And Leonard, I hope you read this through slowly . . . . twice.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Giving Up Control

Sometimes I love the freedom that has come with knowing Christ and no longer needing to control everything.

Other times this sense of being out-of-control makes me feel anxious, fearful, even helpless. There are things that I want to work out. Not just for me, but for others. There are things people need, and sometimes I try to help them and find that there's NOTHING I can do. And my first thought is . . . this can't be right. There's GOT to be SOMETHING I can do. There must be another angle, a back door, SOMETHING. I can't just sit and do nothing. I HAVE to find a way to make this work out.

And I try. I try every angle I can think of. I make phone calls, I pool resources, and I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray. God, help me. I can't figure out what to do. Show me, Lord. Show me what to do.

I'm not very good at recognizing His voice when He says "Do nothing". Do nothing. Certainly that can't be the answer. No one's problems are resolved that way. And worst of all . . . I can't see how it's going to work out. What if it never works out? What if it all falls apart?

I'm sure it would border on blasphemous if I said I wanted to control God. And certainly that would never be my intent. But, honestly . . . do I want to control God? There are times I would love to be able to move His hand. People who desperately need healing, children who may lose their fathers, people whose entire futures are on the line . . . God, we need to fix this. He MUST know we need to fix this.

We. That's interesting. Does God really need my help in running the universe? Why is it, really, that I need to do something? Why can't I pray and let it go? And once again, the ugly truth sneers at me. I don't really trust Him.

God knows I WANT to trust Him. I want to give everything to Him. I want to be able to lay my petitions at His feet and know that they are in the capable hands of our loving Father. I want to know Him so well, that I know He will take care of everything. And that even if He doesn't do what I think He should . . . everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay. Those are the words He speaks to my heart, and yet it only brings tears. What happens, God, if she loses her father? What happens if they have to suffer for the rest of their lives? What happens . . . . what happens?

And He says, "Trust Me. Everything will be okay. You still don't understand. It's bigger than all of this. It's much, much bigger than all of this."

And all I can do is cry. I know You're right. I know I see such a small piece of it all. But the pieces I see are breaking my heart. Help me to trust You. Help me to know You more. Help me to willingly lay down the control and believe in the power of Your love. I don't know what to do. But You know. You know and You care. You can see the whole picture, and You love all of these people more than I do.

They are much safer with You than they are with me.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Old is IN


Am I the only woman on the earth who is enjoying growing old?

There are so many women that are sensitive about their ages, wanting to look younger than they really are.... it seems to be the norm. But here I am 45 and aging, and loving every minute of it! I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy seeing the new wrinkles and laugh lines . . . they tell a story of the life I've lived. (But I must say, I don't think I'll EVER like gray hair. Not because of growing old, but because I just think it looks icky. Wirey, dead hair. Ick.)

I'm not totally sure why I enjoy growing old so much, but I guess I've got a few ideas. First of all, I had my fill of looking young. I didn't actually start looking my age until I was in my mid-thirties. People would tell me they had no idea I was as old as I was. And honestly, what I heard when they said that was they considered me immature. Couple that with the fact that I actually WAS immature, and it made it kind of a sensitive topic.

Secondly, I was bounce-off-the-wall emotional in my younger years. And along with that tumultuous emotional state, I was irresponsible, manipulative, and controlling of everyone EXCEPT myself. The peace and the calm that has come with age is a very welcome change.

Third, and most importantly, I want to be my grandma. She was the most patient, kind, loving, understanding, and long-suffering person I ever met. The moment Ellie was born, something changed inside of me. Suddenly all I wanted was to be to her what my grandma was to me. Grandma never cared how many wrinkles she had. She never tried to look young. When you saw her, you saw what was on the inside. She lived her life not for herself, but for us . . . she made a profound difference in my life. I would be so proud for people to look at me and see my Grandma, wrinkles and all.

Finally, growing old is normal. It's not just happening to me . . . I'm not the odd one out. This is how it works. It happens to everyone. The odd thing would be for someone to look 21 their whole life. Growing old, passing through all the stages of life -- it's just more of the adventure! God gave us so much to experience in this lifetime . . . and I want to live it all.
So I guess for all those reasons together, I am really enjoying my older years. I've always thought I would really shine as a Grandma, and now I'm in the moment of truth! I'm not responsible for Ellie's upbringing . . . I'm free to enjoy every minute!

And if she remembers me as that old, wrinkly grandma that she loved cuddling on the couch with, I'll just be one happy woman.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Growing into Who You Are











When we picked our dog, Kairo, out of a litter of 12 puppies, he was the cutest little ball of fluff you could ever imagine. Today Kairo is over 100 lbs and still thinking he's a lapdog. He definitely went through some major changes over the course of just a few months, and I remember having all kinds of conflicting feelings as it happened.
He was so soft and cuddly as a puppy, and I found myself not wanting him to outgrow that. Then, when he got a little bigger, one of his floppy little ears boinged straight up in the air. He looked ridiculous, but even so I was secretly hoping that his other little ear would stay floppy. (He's a dog... he wouldn't know he looked ridiculous!) Alas, a month or so later, the other one was pointing straight up, too. And until he grew into those gigantic ears, he actually looked a bit like a donkey.
Looking back, I realize that because I was grieving the loss of my cute little puppy, I was totally missing an astounding transformation that was taking place right before my very eyes. Over the course of a year's time, Kairo became what others have referred to as a "magnificent beast". People literally stop us on the street, sometimes pulling over in their cars, to tell us what a regal looking dog he is!
And you know what? It's true! Kairo really is an amazing, kingly-looking dog. He is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Malamute, with a little bit of wolf mixed in there somewhere and he somehow got on the receiving end of an incredible mix of all those attributes. We can hardly remember the little puppy we brought home, because we had him such a short time. But this incredibly handsome beast we have now? He's got our hearts!
Now, missing the transformation of a dog is one thing, but how many times have I missed the transformation God is doing in the lives of people? Does it seem like we are sometimes inclined to put people in a box and want them to stay there? We aren't always comfortable with change, especially during the "awkward stages".
I remember a friend of mine that had some struggles in a certain area of her life. She had struggled with these issues for as long as we had known her. We prayed for her, we counseled with her, we tried to be good friends to her. But the truth is, we got so used to the fact that that's the way she was, that we totally missed it when she grew out of it. God had really done some things in her heart . . . some real healing had taken place. And we were still treating her like the "needy one" when she was more than ready to be reaching out to others.
Other times, it seems we purposely try to keep people in their place. We know you, we know your struggles, we know all your shortcomings so we're going to put limits on what you can do. Now, certainly we need to be aware of where people are at any given time. We can't have them ministering in areas they probably shouldn't be. But my point is, it's never a done-deal. We need to keep our eyes open for the transformations! And even more, we need to keep our ears and hearts open to God in case He wants us to be a part of it!
Putting people in a box and leaving them there is like writing them off. This is who you are, and this is where you belong. It's certainly the easiest thing to do, but I don't think it would fall under the category of laying your life down for your brethren. If people are satisfied with what they are doing and feel that they are fulfilling their purposes for God, then by all means rejoice with them that they've found their place! But if we see that they want to be more, that they are longing to grow, that they are longing for change in their lives, then we need to be seeking God to see if there is a way we can help!
There may be times that we would rather things stay as they are. There may even be times that we LIKE people better the way they are. Maybe we don't WANT their ears to boing up. But God knows what He's doing in the lives of His people. And if we're serious about building the church, this is what it's all about. Building people.
Keep your eyes open for the transformations . . . and join in wherever you can. When all is said and done, you may be amazed at how regal they look!

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Heart of a Giver

There sure are a lot of teachings on giving . . . how to give, why to give, how much to give. It's just human nature to try to come up with a formula. And in the old testament, God obliged them. He gave them rules about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!! (I don't see how anyone could have even remembered all the rules, much less obeyed them.) Then came the new covenent. And suddenly it wasn't about all the rules anymore, it was about the heart.

If I were going to do a teaching on giving, this is what it would be:

First and foremost, talk to God. Do whatever He puts in your heart to do, and do it gladly. Don't measure it against anyone or anything else. Just gladly do what He asks you to do.
Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:17

If you do what you do out of love for God and out of love for His people, you're going to be on the right track.

Even if you make a wrong decision, if your heart is right, God will still be pleased. Mistakes will be made no matter how hard we try. But He knows how to help us make adjustments, and we should have every confidence that He'll get us where we need to be.

Be as happy when your resources cause things to go well for others as you would be if you used them for yourself! Understand that what you do for others, you are doing for God!

Learn to put others first. If someone has a need and you can help, then help!! Whether it's with money, or whether it's putting your plans on hold to go help them move a couch, do what you can do! Of course, it's important to remember you can't help EVERYONE! That's why you should not act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what God wants you to do. You're no good to anyone if you burn out.

Trust God. Trust that He will take care of you no matter what. If He asks you to do something that seems big, don't think twice about it! Just do it! He will take care of you. And if He asks you to do less than someone else, just do it. Don't feel guilty or condemned. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing, and He understands the big picture far more than any of us ever will.

And finally, just live generously! You can't give what you don't have, but be generous with what you do have! If your piggy bank is empty and you have nothing but encouragement to give, then give it generously!! Maybe your part to play is to spur others on who CAN give money! Do you know how many people there are who have a harder time giving TIME than MONEY? Some people would much rather just write a check than give up an evening at home. Don't assume if time is all you have to give, that you aren't generous.

Play your part and play it generously! Give what He has put in your heart to give . . . share it with others!

. . . . . . And let your heart rejoice, knowing you've done what God has asked you to do!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

A Matter of the Heart

Ellie the Ladybug


I consider myself to be very devoted to God; any time I think of Him, it warms my heart. I have this incredible sense of how much He loves us. I'm deeply aware of what He has done for our family, and I am so grateful that He has chosen to show us His mercy, His grace, and His compassion. I know we have done nothing to deserve all this love that He has poured out to us, and it means so much to me that He would be willing to give so much of Himself to us. I'm totally in love with Him!

I guess that is why it is so baffling to me when people start debating all the "do's and don'ts".

The thing that made me think of this now is that Halloween was last night. Now, Leonard and I have been born-again Christians since 1983. Our oldest daughter was born in 1985, and our second daughter was born in 1988. In all that time, we always dressed our daughters up for Halloween and let them go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. I remember in the early days taking some flack for that from other Christian people....why would we celebrate the devil's day??

We could never understand how people could think we would ever celebrate the devil. We wouldn't. We couldn't. Not after all that God had done for us. We were just letting our girls dress up and go around to the neighbors getting candy. We especially loved going to the older people's houses... they so enjoyed seeing all the costumes and getting to hand out treats to the always-grateful little children! I look back very fondly at those memories, and consider it a very heartwarming tradition. I know there are probably people who think we are unwittingly opening ourselves up to something, and the devil will surely gain a foothold in our lives because we took our children out trick-or-treating. I just don't believe it. Our hearts belong to God. And I believe this, as with everything else, is a matter of the heart. God looks at our hearts, and I pray that He will always see our hearts are wholly for Him.

It's not just Halloween. These debates take many forms. I've heard the same sort of debates going on about playing cards, dancing, watching movies, drinking alcohol, etc., etc. Leonard hates playing cards, but I love to play! We both love to dance. And we watch all kinds of movies . . . some that others probably wouldn't watch. But there are certainly others we won't watch that maybe others would. When Leonard and I first got saved, we quit drinking altogether because we had just come out of a life of drinking in excess... OFTEN. But later in life we found that we could have a drink or two without ever being tempted to "over-indulge". That heart just wasn't in us anymore.

This isn't about seeing how much we can get away with. I can't speak for anyone else, but for Leonard and I, our lives are about living wholly for God. We want to show our love to Him, and we want to pour out the love He's given us to others. And if there's anything that makes us feel uncomfortable or that we feel could come between us and God, you can bet we will steer clear of it. I don't think we could ever be the type of people that follow a bunch of rules other people make whether they make sense to us or not. Our measuring stick is always Him. Do we always make the right decisions? Certainly not. But we trust that He will lead us in the way we should go. We know when He is speaking to our hearts. And we know the importance of listening when we hear it. He knows us better than anyone else ever could. So if God tells us to walk away from something, we walk away.

I guess the difference is, we don't expect everyone else should have to walk away with us.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A Friend Like Jack


I could learn a lot from my dog.

Jack is totally content with his life. It doesn't take much to please him. All he wants is to have his basic needs met . . . food, water, shelter. Throw some affection on top of that, and he is one happy boy. All of his relationships are intact at all times . . . you would be hard-pressed to find a more accepting, forgiving, and loyal friend. And he never, ever holds a grudge. Why would he? If he did, it would cut into his happy-time.

It's so simple. We all know it is. We know how content we could be if we were quick to forgive. Or better yet, if we didn't allow things to bother us in the first place. We understand that all people are different and we all have different quirks, problems, personality defects. We know we need to make allowances for those differences. And we know how well life goes if we just live life accepting others for who they are.

So what is it that trips us up? Can we just make a decision to accept people and not let the things they say and do bother us? Or is that beyond our control?

I would like to suggest that it is NOT beyond our control. And much to my own chagrin, I would further suggest that the thing that drives us to the ill feelings we have toward others is nothing more than the age-old problem of self. Now, I'm not saying that everyone is doing and saying the things they should. I'm not even saying they aren't in the wrong. Obviously when we see others putting themselves first, manipulating others to get what they want, etc., etc. that is WRONG.

What I AM saying is that just because others do and say the wrong things doesn't mean we have to be upset with them. The Bible is very clear that we are to deal with others in love. I certainly don't think that means we have to ignore what is going on. I just think God has given us the ability to deal with situations without getting bitter or resentful toward anyone.

I've been thinking a lot lately about "building the church". We've been taught that the church is people, so it would stand to reason that building the church is building people. And since I've had this little revelation, I have been disappointed to see how often I tear the church down. One of the things I let bother me more than anything else is when I see Christian people putting themselves before others, whether it's rushing to the most comfortable chair, trying to get to the front of the line, or even setting the best aside for themselves before others arrive. It annoys me to no end. Or, I should say I LET it annoy me to no end.

Now, am I saying it's okay for Christian people to put themselves before others? NO!!! I'm just saying the way I have handled it in the past is every bit as bad. How many times did my grandma tell me growing up that two wrongs don't make a right?

In the past, when I've observed these things, I have handled it poorly. I have gotten angry with the people and avoided them, I have made cynical/sarcastic remarks to them, I have even complained about them to others. Brick by brick, I've torn the church down. And worst of all, I've excused myself for it. I can't help it... it makes me so angry. It's just not right and I can't act like everything is okay when it's not. You know the excuses. I've used them all.

I think there are other things I could have done. However uncomfortable it may be, I could go to the person and talk to them about what I see, all the while continuing to love them and value our friendship. I can be aware at all times that just because I don't struggle with THAT particular thing, there are lots of things I DO struggle with. I don't want people to write me off just because there are things I struggle with, so why would I do it to them.

So, I guess my point is no matter what people do or say, we can love and accept them "as is". (A term Leonard coined in our small group.) If we know we are loving them and accepting them, it frees us up to deal with the things that come up in a loving way. It helps us to BUILD the church instead of tearing it down. We all play different roles in the church; we are many parts of the body. If we use that correctly, our strengths will help others in their weaknesses, and their strengths will help us in return. We are strong and weak in different areas because we are MEANT to need each other. We were created that way.

So the next time someone does something that would normally bother me. . . I want to stop myself before it goes any farther. I want to ask God to show me how I can help. How can I use my strengths to help others in their weaknesses? How can I best build the church? And on the other side of the coin, I ask that God help me to absorb all the strength that others have to offer me so I can grow in my weaknesses.

Everyone using their strengths to help others in their weakness . . . everyone accepting others strengths to help them in their own weaknesses . . . sounds like the makings of a very powerful body of Christ to me.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Talking It Through....


My daughter recently wrote an essay about the death of her boyfriend, Jordan. It happened over three years ago, and yet reading the story brought back a lot of the old emotions. At times like these, the world just doesn't make sense to me. Not that it EVER really makes sense. There are too many things that are unexplainable . . . disease, death, other heartaches. At any given time I can think of a dozen friends who are going through something absolutely heart-wrenching. And I can never understand why people have to go through such things.

But it's kind of amazing, isn't it, that whenever I'm thinking about how the world doesn't make sense, those are the things my mind immediately goes to?

I heard in a sermon one time that God gets blamed for all the bad things, but people don't spend near as much time giving Him the credit for the good. Boy, isn't that the truth? You won't hear me questioning God each morning as to why everyone in my family has awakened healthy . . . or at all. It's not like we've done anything special to deserve such a gift. Why would He let such a thing happen???? And why do I get to have a home? Why is it filled with laughter most of the time? It doesn't make any sense.

But it doesn't seem to bother me that those things don't make sense. That kind of nonsense can continue on 'til the end of time and you won't hear me complaining. So what is it that we're really upset about? It's not that life isn't fair, because a lot of times that works out in our favor. Are we complaining because there's suffering going on at all? Do we expect that there should be no suffering in this world? And, if so, what led us to that conclusion?

The Bible is very clear that we are going to have suffering. It never says that it will make sense to us, so we probably shouldn't expect that it will. But it does say that He will be with us through all of it. It does say He will be our strength. And it does encourage us to hold on to the end, because in the end He WILL overcome. Those are some great promises.

The fact is, and will remain, that we live in an imperfect world. It's not the world it started out to be, and it's not what it will be again someday. But it's where we're at right now. And with this world of trial and hardship (as well as joy and laughter) we have the opportunity to make a lot of choices. It's where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.

I believe that absolutely every event in our lives gives us an opportunity to prove how deep our devotion really is to God. It's easy to sing the songs, and maybe proclaim in a well-thought-out prayer how we desire to give our whole lives to Him. But it's in our everyday circumstances that we get a chance to live it. Not by pretending the bad things aren't happening, or even that they don't matter. But by choosing to truly BELIEVE that He is with us and He will see us through. It's a chance to depend on Him, to trust Him, and to not let the circumstances have control. And I believe that every single time we do this, we wind up closer to Him than we were before.

Closeness to God . . . it's what makes everything in this life bearable. No matter how bad it is, if we can lean on Him, abide in Him, and become even closer to Him than before, we are victorious. We have won. The world was not able to beat us down, because we let Him be our strength. We let Him be our encouragement. We let His love saturate our whole being.

Satan will continue to try to wear us down. He will try to get us to give up on God. He wants our circumstances to gain control of our lives . . . . . . . .

But can you see God? His arms are reaching out to you. He's calling you near Him, offering His strength. Can you feel His love filling your heart in the midst of your hardship? Can you believe His strength will be enough?

Make the choice. You will never be disappointed.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Being Still

There's nothing worse than being sick. There are already so many things to accomplish over the course of a day, and doing them at half-pace (or sometimes no-pace) just makes the day a little bit tougher. And worst of all, I've lost my voice. I whispered to Leonard yesterday, "I can't talk... and talking is one of my favorite things." He just laughed. Oh, he knows.

But the strangest thing happened. I subscribe to this little "verse-a-day" thing from the online New Living Translation site. It sends a Bible verse via e-mail to me each day, and often gives me something that I ponder all the day long. This particular verse, however, gave me more of a "jolt". As I was lamenting the loss of my voice, and all the things I couldn't say, I opened my e-mail to, "Be still and know that I am God."

Dang it. Is THIS a good time to teach me a life lesson? And now I wonder, was my voice taken away by design? Maybe it wasn't all the screaming at the Fall Festival. .....I'm talking too much again.

If I were to show you all of my grade school report cards, you would see that on each and every one, the teachers checked the box by "Whispers too much". So this isn't something I grew into; it's been a lifelong issue. I've ALWAYS had a lot to say. It doesn't matter if it's relevant. It doesn't matter if it's full of revelation. It doesn't even actually matter if it makes any sense. If it pops into my head, I say it. Leonard has always told people I've never had an unspoken thought. Unfortunately that's a pretty accurate assessment.

So of all things... Be still and know that I am God???? I know that He's God when I'm talking. Why is it so important to be still? But since I couldn't talk anyway, I decided to listen. And that's when it happened.

I felt the power of His love. My mind went back many years to when I was going through some very hard times. Times when I had no words, only tears. And I remember how He gave Himself to me in those quiet times. I remember how He gave me the desire to go on when I didn't think I could. I remember learning what it meant that when we are weak, He is strong. During those times, I learned how very deep His love is for me. And that's something I have never forgotten.

And I have to confess. There is great power in silence. When I am silent, when I am willing to lay aside all of my own thoughts and ideas, when I'm willing to pull away from the pressures of the world... He speaks. And His words ALWAYS have relevance. He always brings revelation. And He always makes sense of the chaos. During the times when I get going full-steam-ahead... plan this, plan that, figure out the details, make it work.... I forget the need to be silent. And soon, I run out of gas. I forget to spend time just abiding in His presence, and I burn out. And once I let that happen, it takes a long, long time to recover.

Thank God I have lost my voice.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Seeing the Sun Shine

I could never live in Seattle -- I've heard it rains there more than it doesn't. And although I like a good thunderstorm now and then, too much gloominess just makes me sad. We have had rain here in Lincoln for so many days in a row, I've gotten into a frump. And actually, the sun came out just in time today to keep me from slipping into a full-blown cranky. I don't know what it is about the gloominess, but my soul just can't take it for too long.

Curiously, I already know my perspective is limited, and I let myself get down anyway. A few winters ago, I was in one of these frumps because it had been gloomy too long, and I had to fly out to Minnesota for work. I got on the plane and went up, up, up through the clouds. All of a sudden, we were above the clouds and the most amazing thing happened... the sun shone right in my window, bright as could be! My mood changed instantly! It was as if an old friend had just appeared and I wanted to shout, "You're still here!!!" (However, I refrained from any outbursts... what with not wanting to get kicked off the plane and all.)

It was then that I had the revelation. I stand under the clouds feeling as if the sun is gone, when all along it's shining just as brightly as ever right above the darkness! It doesn't take a great deal of inner reflection to relate that to our Christian lives. How many times have we let our circumstances (the clouds) convince us that God (the sun) is no longer at work (shining)??? I don't think I care to admit how many times that has really happened in my life.

But the thing that really has me baffled is that even after the incredible revelation on the plane, I continue to let it happen. I KNOW that the sun is shining on the gloomy days, and I KNOW that God is still working even when the circumstances look like He's not. I DO! I really know that! And I would go so far as to say I really do believe it. But I sure don't always act like I believe it.

I've been taught that what you do says more about what you believe than what you say. And I think that certainly sounds reasonable. And yet, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been times I've let myself get down, all the while knowing and believing that God would see me through in the end. So I can only assume that at those times, that just wasn't good enough for me. And that's even worse.

Have I become so spoiled that I don't think I should ever have to have any hard times? Do I believe that God has to prove His love to me by immediately rescuing me out of every bad situation? That would be some pretty messed up theology. I hope I have not become so lazy in my Christianity that I am not up for a little adversity along the way. I have always considered myself on the tenacious side... why would I let myself get down instead of standing up to fight?

It is embarrassing to hold this mirror up and see what I see. "God I know you will take care of me, but since you aren't doing it right now I'm just going to be in a gloomy mood until you do something." Chapter and verse? Anyone? Anyone? I'm thinking it would be tough to find any scripture to back up that kind of thinking, and yet I'm afraid it's what I do. I would never tolerate that kind of attitude from my daughters. If they show any sign of not being grateful for all we do for them, they hear about it. I think it's about time I hear from God.

Lord, I believe that you take care of us. We have years and years of proof. Please know that I truly am grateful for every blessing you've poured out on us. We don't deserve the goodness you show us. Help me, God, to always have a grateful heart. I don't want to sulk until you do what I want you to do. Remind me to be satisfied in every situation, whether the circumstances are lining up or not. Teach me what you want me to learn through the gloomy days, and give me eyes to see the sun when it appears it's not even there. You are all I need and all I desire, Lord . . . the sunshine in my day is You.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

GREATNESS

There are all kinds of things we can aspire for in life, and I've probably aspired for a lot of them through the years. But as I get older, the thing I aspire for the most is just to make a difference.

I wonder if anyone really sees when they make a difference in someone's life. I know there have been occasions when a friend lets me know that something I said or did made a difference to them, but I never would have suspected it had they not told me.

Certainly, there is nothing that lights me up inside more. I think it's the only way a person can truly feel fulfilled. You can get all the things you've aspired for through the years and still feel empty. But when you hear that your life, your words, your actions have made someone's life better . . . it brings the kind of joy to your heart that inspires you to do more.

I've heard the question come up many times in church life . . . "How do you make people feel connected? How do you help them get solid footing in the church?" My answer to that would be, help them find a way to make a difference. It's as simple as that. If someone really knows that their life is making a difference, it creates this sort of adrenalin rush that spurs them on to greatness! Not celebrity-type greatness, but the kind of greatness that comes from knowing you're being what God intended for you to be! It doesn't get any better than that.

It shouldn't be hard to help people find ways to make a difference. God has given different personalities and talents to each of us, and there is always going to be a way to put them to good use. It just may take the eyes to see it. I've found that it can be the smallest of things that make a difference. An encouraging word, a well-timed hug, a brand new toilet when you get back from vacation . . . I've had all of these things happen to me. And each time, I was deeply touched.

The tricky part is on the rest of us. We need to be people who freely let others know that they have made a difference in our lives. If we know it, they should know it. They are being who God meant for them to be, and we benefit from it. For whatever reason, people just don't see when they make a difference as easily as they see when others do. (I suppose that's a good thing. It might border on egotistical if you were totally aware of all the good you do.)

So today let's do something amazing in the church. Let's commit to letting people know when they touch our lives. Let's tell them when they've made a difference.

You'll be spurring them on to greatness!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Just Checking....

When my daughter, Rachel, was young she was afraid of the basement. So, being the nurturing mother, I would try to comfort her by standing at the top of the stairs and telling her, "I'll wait right here until you get back." She was so brave as she descended the stairs! But apparently she had serious doubts as to whether I would hold true to my promise, because every third step she'd turn to see if I was still there. I told her over and over that I would stay there, and out of all the trips she made to the basement, I NEVER left. I just couldn't understand why she didn't believe me.

But what is it that makes that so hard for me to understand? I do the very same thing to God.

Since Leonard and I have become fully responsible for running our office, I have had a few trust issues of my own. I am certain that God brought us to this place . . . we have seen His hand in it from the beginning. He orchestrated everything in a way we wouldn't have even thought possible. He's given us every reason to trust Him.

But I can't tell you how many times I've turned to see if He is still there.

Faith is a peculiar thing . . . it seems like it should be so easy. God does all the real work. All He asks of us is to believe, to trust. And it's not like He's asking us to trust someone who has a terrible track record. We have years of proof that God watches over us. We have example after shining example of how He's come through for us. And even when times were hard, the incredible love and support He gave us is forever etched into our hearts. He is so trustworthy.

I know this. Anyone who knows God knows this. Then what is it that makes it so difficult to just trust Him? What is it that makes us think we need to maintain some of the control, just in case He leaves us high and dry? What is it that makes us think it's still possible that we may have a better plan than Him?

In the book of John it tells us that if we love Him, we will obey Him. I once looked through John for everything Jesus was asking us to do. And you know what I found over and over again? Love me, trust me, abide in me. That's the key to it all. It sounds so easy, but for some reason it's just so hard to let go of the control. It just doesn't come naturally to let someone else have control of our destinies. In fact, I would even say it's impossible . . . outside the power of His spirit.

And so I pray. I want to trust Him. I want to lay my whole life at His feet. And the times when I do, I find something that has the whole world baffled . . . His peace. The peace that not even we can understand. The more I learn to let go, the more I feel His peace in the midst of it all. It may take a lifetime, but I really want to learn to give control to Him. I want to trust Him. I want His peace.

And when it comes right down to it, it's just in knowing that He's standing at the top of the stairs . . . and He's not going anywhere.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Bundle of Contradiction

When I was young I read The Diary of Anne Frank. The whole book had a deep impact on me, but there was one line in particular that struck a chord, and has stayed with me ever since. At one point in her entries she wrote in frustration that she was just a bundle of contradiction. Nothing could describe my personality better.

It seems that at all times I am battling against myself. My creative side battles my analytical side. My judgmental side battles my merciful side. How can I fly by the seat of my pants like I do, and yet need all my ducks in a row? That makes no sense. But it's me.

I love finding outlets for my creativity... I feel stifled without them. But when you read about creative personalities, you find that creative people naturally tend to notice detail around them. Did you know an entire convenience store was built in my neighborhood and had been standing for months before I ever noticed it? And I went past it EVERY DAY.

Justice is my middle name. It bothers me in a movie if the bad guy doesn't get what he deserves at the end. And don't get me started about if the good guys don't live happily ever after. I have to rewrite the whole ending in my head. Everyone should get what they deserve. And yet, I love to see mercy abound. People need to be able to leave the past behind them and go forward as if it never happened. Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing someone get a fresh start. Who cares about justice when there's mercy? It's one of my favorite things about God.

So how do I pull it all together? How do I take all these contradictions and blend them into one healthy personality? And once again I wonder, are there other people that feel this way, or is it just me? I think there is something wrong with me. But then again, maybe it's something right.


When I was young, I believed in standing strong in my convictions. I think sometimes even when they didn't make sense, I stood by them anyway just because they were my convictions. But as time goes on, I think my strongest conviction becomes the fact that there is no one right answer. When Jesus came across blind men, he didn't always spit in their eyes. (And I don't know if anyone really understands why he thought it was necessary the time that He did take that approach. It's pretty high on the yuck factor.) But people like to take that sort of thing and run with it. People will take one event out of the Bible and say, "This is how you handle this situation." Next thing you know, you've got a group of unsuspecting people with spit in their eyes wondering what in the heck is going on.

I don't think God ever intended for us to figure out a formula for anything. Each situation is unique, and we need to rely on the Holy Spirit to show us what to do and what to say. Two people with exactly the same situation may need totally different responses in order to help them. And trying to come up with a formula may make it easier on us, but it winds up leaving a whole lot of people confused and disappointed when we haven't responded to them in the way God intended.

So maybe what I have always thought was a bundle of contradiction is actually a vast array of tools that God has equipped me with to handle different situations with different people. Some people may need my creative side, while others may benefit from my analytical side. Some people may need justice served, while others need mercy to be poured out on them. And how will I know which to use for which situation?

Like everything else, it's going to boil down to an incredible dependence on God.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Happiness is Chasing Me

My grandfather used to say that after he met my grandma, he chased her until she caught him. In his eyes he was able to pursue her, all the while making her think she was the one doing the chasing! I never figured out what really happened because when he would say that, my grandma would just smile. Something tells me she had a different perspective of their courtship.

We've been talking in our small group about friendship/relationships. We have discovered that you measure a true friend not by what they are to you, but by what you are to them. Real, true friendship happens when you decide to make a deep commitment to someone. That is God's perspective. Our natural tendency is to measure a friend by what they are to us... they are there when we need them, they talk us through hard times, they are encouraging.... But in reading what God has to say about relationships, we find that we should think about how we would like them to treat us, and take the initiative and treat them that way! We find that our relationships are all about laying our lives down for our friends. The Bible just really doesn't say much about how people should treat us. It's all about how we should treat them.

So, as I was thinking about my grandparents and God's perspective vs. human perspective, it got me to thinking about happiness. (My mind flies from one topic to another in a matter of seconds... it drives Leonard crazy!) As I was growing up, I would have to honestly say that I chased happiness. I wanted so much to be happy, and at a young age I started the pattern. "If only I could have this, then I would be happy. Now if I could have that, I would really be happy. But none of it matters anymore unless this boy likes me... then I'll be happy."

And so it continued well into my adult life. Even once I began to follow God, I just began asking Him for the things that would make me happy. And I would seriously wonder about His love for me when He didn't do it... didn't He want me to be happy? But the problem was my perspective. I was seeing things from the human perspective I had learned. God's perspective about happiness, as it is with most things, is backwards from human perspective.

When I am chasing happiness, I am centered on myself and my own needs. And one of those pearls of wisdom I have gained through growing old is that as long as we are centered on ourselves, we will never really be happy. Everything the world has taught us is about looking out for ourselves. All that God teaches is about looking out for others.

So, I began quite some time ago trying to re-train my mind. (Although I've resolved myself to the fact that this is going to be a lifelong process) I now try to focus on what I can do for others. How can I help them succeed? What will make them happy? How can I encourage them? What could I do to help make their lives better? And you know what happens without me even trying? I feel happy.

Now, time and time again I catch myself going back to being self-centered. But I've come to quickly recognize the tell-tale signs of it ... suddenly I'm not so happy. When I start focusing on myself again, the happiness just dissipates. And that's my cue to start looking from God's perspective. It doesn't fit with what we have learned in the world, but it's the only thing that really works. Take care of others and God will take care of you. Put your focus on the needs of others. Take care of His sheep. Lay down your life for them.

When I am doing that, I glance behind me... and you know what I see? Happiness is chasing me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Big Ideas


I have had all kinds of ideas in my lifetime, and they come in different forms at different times. Sometimes through discussions with friends, an idea suddenly pops up. Other times I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea (which often doesn't seem nearly as brilliant once I'm fully coherent). But this time, I was driving up Cotner Blvd., and it hit me.... the great idea!

Now, the idea itself is irrelevant. The question that drove me to my blog today is "What makes an idea a big one?" I know a lot of people who are looking for that "million dollar idea." To them, maybe a big idea is one that makes them a lot of money. And some of them are really great people, so I don't think that the love of money is necessarily driving them. Sometimes it's just a desire for life to be a little easier. (And if you've ever watched "It's a Wonderful Life", Jimmy Stewart himself pointed out to Clarence that money sure comes in handy down here.)

Other people may be living in the middle of the devastation that disease and sickness can bring. To them, a big idea would certainly be a cure. And who could argue with that. We have watched some of our closest friends live day in and day out with MS, and life is just harder for them. I think by far my greatest dream is to see them totally healed. I really don't know if it will happen on this side of heaven or the other. But I do know that it will happen and when it does, life will be good for them for all eternity. (AND there will be a whole lot of celebrating going on....we're talking 20, maybe 30 thousand years before we even BEGIN to slow down!)

But as I was driving down Cotner Blvd, I had what I truly believe was a God-inspired idea. In the whole grand scheme of things, it probably wouldn't seem that magnificent to others, but to me it's huge. And I think the reason for that is that it's from God.

If you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded. Matthew 10:42

Give a cup of cold water? That seems pretty insignificant. Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It depends on how long that person has been without water. God knows when a cup of cold water will save a life. Or maybe bring new hope.... or reveal His love when it's needed the most.

The thing about God-inspired ideas is they don't have to be magnificent for God to be able to get magnificent results. And even though the part you play may be small, simple obedience to what He has put in your heart can yield HUGE results. What God has put in my heart (and, no, I'm not going to tell you what it is!) literally causes me to be so excited on the inside that I feel like dancing around the room! He has filled my heart and mind with excitement over what HE can do! And I just want to be a part of it! I want to play whatever part He has for me, however big or small it may be.

So, we consider the big ideas to be the ones that will make life better. I think that may be stopping short.

THE BIG IDEAS ARE THE GOD-INSPIRED IDEAS!

From a human perspective they may seem big, or they may seem very small. But if they are HIS ideas, you can bet He will do big things as you are simply obedient! He has the benefit of having ALL the information. Add to that His love, His power, His compassion, His wisdom and the fact that He ALWAYS makes life better, and His ideas are the big ideas that yield RESULTS!

What can He do with a simple cup of water? What can He do with you?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

If you've spent any time at all reading my entries, you already know what a faithless woman I am. Or totally faithful . . . depending on the moment. Any mature Christian will tell you that your faith in God cannot be based on your emotions. Well, it is and it isn't. That's what I've found to be true in my life, anyway.

For whatever reason, when God created me He saw fit (or thought it would be funny) to equip me with an incredibly strong set of emotions that can come spilling out at any given moment. I've definitely learned that there are positives and negatives to these cards I've been dealt.

Some of the negatives:
Sobbing through every sappy movie ever made
Tendency to respond first, think later
The "lows" are very low
My outlook on life can change with the Nebraska weather

But there are positives. And although poor Leonard has to endure more of the negatives than all of the rest of you put together, he will tell you the positives are the reason he fell in love with me... and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Positives:
Very sensitive not only to my own feelings, but to the feelings of others
A very deep and unquenchable passion for the things I believe in
The "highs" are very high (don't really understand the need for drugs!)
The love I feel for God is a very real and powerful force in my life

"Emotional faith". It used to be that when I heard people say that your faith could not be based on emotion, I thought I had to somehow change my personality. And there have been times that I have tried (to no avail). I have seen people that seem so strong & steady in their faith, and it certainly seemed like something to strive for. But the problem is, it's just not me.

There is nothing worse than going through your Christian life feeling like God wants you to be someone else. Like you were a screw-up, and He really can't take you back into the shop and start over so you have to make the changes now. Or, even if you "give it to God", you are still praying for God to change you into something He would like better. All the while missing the point that He's totally in love with you now.

I have found that I'm the happiest when my emotions are free! I love being able to express how I feel. I love being able to pour my heart out! BUT (isn't there always a "but"?) that doesn't relieve me from the responsibility of maturing as a Christian. Contrary to what I used to think, maturing doesn't mean becoming less emotional. It just means learning not to be so self-centered. And that is the bottom line no matter what personality type you've been given.

So, for all you emotional types out there... these are my pearls of wisdom (given to me as a reward for growing old):
1. When you get to those very low "lows", KNOW that you have to run to God. Unleash everything you're feeling on Him, and let Him be your help. If you're really emotional, chances are you will always have the low times. It's very important that you know where to go with that. God is still God. You don't necessarily have to fight to get out of the valley... just believe that even in these times He will reveal something to you about Himself, and pray that you stay open to whatever He wants to show you.

2. Be careful not to trample the people who may not have as passionate of convictions as you. What you see as a healthy discussion can seem to others like an attack!

3. Fight that urge to respond before thinking! As much as it seems that you have to respond that very moment, you really don't. Think about how you are going to be interpreted. Think about how what you say affects others.

4. And finally.... RELEASE those emotions and be free! Release them to God in whatever form you want! Sing, dance, write, pray. You have the ability to feel the closeness to God that David felt... don't pass up the opportunity. My friend Terri can release all of her love for God through her piano playing. It's the most amazing thing. When I sit in the room with her, I feel like Saul must have felt when David played his lyre. And I can FEEL the presence of God surrounding me. I can FEEL His love. Nothing helps you gain perspective faster than the presence of God. All the things that seem to matter so much suddenly pale in comparison..........

And the whole world sings, "Hosannah, Hosannah in the Highest"