Bundle of Contradiction

When I was young I read The Diary of Anne Frank. The whole book had a deep impact on me, but there was one line in particular that struck a chord, and has stayed with me ever since. At one point in her entries she wrote in frustration that she was just a bundle of contradiction. Nothing could describe my personality better.

It seems that at all times I am battling against myself. My creative side battles my analytical side. My judgmental side battles my merciful side. How can I fly by the seat of my pants like I do, and yet need all my ducks in a row? That makes no sense. But it's me.

I love finding outlets for my creativity... I feel stifled without them. But when you read about creative personalities, you find that creative people naturally tend to notice detail around them. Did you know an entire convenience store was built in my neighborhood and had been standing for months before I ever noticed it? And I went past it EVERY DAY.

Justice is my middle name. It bothers me in a movie if the bad guy doesn't get what he deserves at the end. And don't get me started about if the good guys don't live happily ever after. I have to rewrite the whole ending in my head. Everyone should get what they deserve. And yet, I love to see mercy abound. People need to be able to leave the past behind them and go forward as if it never happened. Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing someone get a fresh start. Who cares about justice when there's mercy? It's one of my favorite things about God.

So how do I pull it all together? How do I take all these contradictions and blend them into one healthy personality? And once again I wonder, are there other people that feel this way, or is it just me? I think there is something wrong with me. But then again, maybe it's something right.


When I was young, I believed in standing strong in my convictions. I think sometimes even when they didn't make sense, I stood by them anyway just because they were my convictions. But as time goes on, I think my strongest conviction becomes the fact that there is no one right answer. When Jesus came across blind men, he didn't always spit in their eyes. (And I don't know if anyone really understands why he thought it was necessary the time that He did take that approach. It's pretty high on the yuck factor.) But people like to take that sort of thing and run with it. People will take one event out of the Bible and say, "This is how you handle this situation." Next thing you know, you've got a group of unsuspecting people with spit in their eyes wondering what in the heck is going on.

I don't think God ever intended for us to figure out a formula for anything. Each situation is unique, and we need to rely on the Holy Spirit to show us what to do and what to say. Two people with exactly the same situation may need totally different responses in order to help them. And trying to come up with a formula may make it easier on us, but it winds up leaving a whole lot of people confused and disappointed when we haven't responded to them in the way God intended.

So maybe what I have always thought was a bundle of contradiction is actually a vast array of tools that God has equipped me with to handle different situations with different people. Some people may need my creative side, while others may benefit from my analytical side. Some people may need justice served, while others need mercy to be poured out on them. And how will I know which to use for which situation?

Like everything else, it's going to boil down to an incredible dependence on God.