The King David Quandary

Most of the time when I think of King David, I just long to have as close of a relationship with God as he did. I admire the undying love he had for the father, and the incredibly deep level of trust. HOWEVER, today (I hope you don't mind) I'm going to talk about something that has me totally perplexed.

I just had surgery on my foot and have been laid up for awhile (foot in the air, ice on the foot). The biggest upside of this is that I've had some extra time for searching through my favorite book for little tidbits I may have missed before. Yesterday, I just happened to find such a tidbit.

Generally speaking, when people come to the end of their lives here on earth, the things they are concerned about are things that really matter. You don't find them on their deathbed wishing they had gotten in a few more hours at work, or even that they could have reached a higher payscale. They always seem to know by then that it's their family and friends that really matter.... And they cherish the time spent with them. I've gotten great comfort from this over the years, just knowing when the chips are down, most of the stuff that causes us to worry won't even matter anymore.

Which leads me to I Kings and King David. I was reading about how David had Solomon named the new King, and was right in the middle of the feeling of amazement I get that God would have the son of the woman David committed adultery with be the new king. That's so like God. But that's a whole different post.

The thing that got my attention yesterday was David's last words to Solomon from his deathbed. Now, you would think he would be talking to Solomon about how much he loved him and how much he cherished the memories. "Remember, Solomon, when you and your buddies took the chariot without asking and parked it behind the palace where you thought I wouldn't see it?" Something of that nature. But instead, David spends his time telling Solomon who to get even with, which people to make sure he has put to death, etc., etc.

Somehow this just isn't what I would expect from a man after God's own heart. I'm still pondering it... and these are some ideas I've come up with so far in discussing it with Leonard.

1. Most people get very sentimental at the end of their lives because of that overwhelming sense that the end is near. David was acutely aware that it was not the end, but only the beginning. Maybe he didn't have sadness in his heart because he was leaving this world... or at the very least that sadness was completely overshadowed by the joy he felt that he would finally get to be face to face with the God he had spent his whole life worshipping.

2. Things were different back then, there's no doubt about it. Maybe these are things that God had told David needed to be taken care of. Maybe he was just passing the message along to Solomon.

I'm not sure. I just know this kind of took me by surprise. I've read it before, but it has never really sunk in. Maybe because I'm getting older and more sentimental with every day that goes by. David, whose heart was overflowing with love for God, spent his last moments on earth telling Solomon who to kill and/or punish.

Does that bother anyone else?

Being filled with the life and power of God....

What does it take to really be filled with the life and power of God? I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting this. There is nothing in this world that could compare to a gift like that. It's the thing I desire with all of my heart.

But how do you get there? Reading the Bible? Surely that must help. But obviously not just reading... really trying to hear from God as you read. That should be a good start.

How about overcoming the sin in our lives? It's no secret that sin slows us down. Life would be so much easier if we could just get past all the things we struggle with.

Doing good for others. There's a good one. We know that's something that is close to God's heart. Really love others. Help them on their journey. Certainly God would pour his life and power into that.

These are all great things. And in 2010 I would like to improve in all these areas. But the problem is, these things don't achieve the goal. You don't receive his life and power from doing these things. In fact, you can't really achieve any of this unless you already have his life and power.

So how do you do it? How do you become filled with this life and power???

Ephesians 3:19   May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Why does it seem we humans always underestimate the power of his love? It can't be that easy. It's got to cost us something. It's got to hurt. We have to pay for it somehow.  Well, it did cost something and someone did pay for it. But it wasn't us.

And when we realize that... if we really understand the depth of what he's done... when we genuinely experience his love... there doesn't need to be a cost. We will freely, joyfully, lavishly give it all.

A time for family

I love this time of year. Even with all the hustle & bustle, it always seems to me that it's going in slow motion. Life slows down and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. I am a sentimental sort of person anyway, but just start that Christmas music, start talking about Jesus being born  here on earth because God wanted that much for us to be near him, start getting the families together to share meals.... it's the hap-happiest time of the year!

I know there is a lot of talk about people spending too much money at Christmas. And most certainly, it must be true. But, being the Christmas-optimist I am, I have to believe a lot of the motivation behind it is just people wanting to brighten other people's days! If you're going to go overboard on something, why not go overboard with doing something for others? Now, don't walk away from this post thinking I'm advocating going into debt at Christmas-time. Spend what you have, not what you don't have. I just think when our focus is on the happiness of others, it can never be a totally bad thing!

The past couple of Christmases, I have discovered something wonderful. Me and my sentimental self... I've always been such a lover of holiday traditions. We've always gotten our tree from the SAME place the day after Thanksgiving, we decorate it the same way, we have our grilled cheese and hot cocoa after we decorate, and we joke about how in my mind we're having the grilled cheese on Christmas Eve because that's how I did it when I was a kid. The past couple of years, with the girls moving out and Rachel getting married and having kids of her own, it's been quite a bit different. I thought it would be much harder on me than it is, to let go of the traditions we've held so dear. But I have found there is great joy in seeing the new traditions taking shape in Rachel & Aaron's family. We've adjusted, we've done things differently, and it has worked. I felt as if God was telling me something when we got the postcard in the mail telling us as of this year the Kiwanis would no longer be selling Christmas trees. And on top of that, we knew we wouldn't even be able to put up a Christmas tree until after the wedding. But you know what? I don't even feel as if any traditions have been broken.

Instead, I feel like I've made the greatest discovery of all. The traditions have never been about what or when. It's always been about who.

The Stinky Barn

For the first time in my life, it has hit me. The impact of what God was saying to us by choosing to be born not in a palace, not in a hotel, not even in someone's guest room, but in a stinky barn....it has hit me hard.

We have really gone a long way toward "glorifying" his physical surroundings. Those gorgeous manger scenes. Manger is such a nice word for a feeding trough in a stinky barn. It makes me want to write a new song. "Away in a Stinky Barn, no crib for a bed".  And the cattle won't be "lowing". They will moo. And when he wakes up from all the racket the animals are making, baby Jesus will indeed cry. It will be a song about some very real circumstances... and how the glory of God exists right in the midst of it.

And therein lies the message. I am coming to where you are. The God of the universe chose to come to us. He is not put off by the circumstances that surround our lives. He is not afraid of getting dirty. He has chosen... chosen... to come to where we are. Because that is who he is.

But it doesn't stop there. He wants us to do the same. WHAT??? We are CHRISTIANS, after all! We don't belong in places that may get us dirty! When those people are ready, they should come to us. The only problem is... that's not the example He set for us. Now I'm not suggesting we all need to run out and find some sin-filled situation to jump into so we can consider ourselves obedient. I'm merely suggesting we open our eyes and tear down any walls we've unknowingly built up. Be willing. When the time comes and the need presents itself, be willing to step right into a dirty old barn so His love can transform the lives of the people you find there.

There will be a time for living in palaces. But for right now... it's about helping as many people as we can find palaces of their own.

And if it means we have to live in stinky barns for awhile, then so be it.

Is there something wrong with me?

The other day I got to thinking about the things that cause us to struggle in life. I thought about the things that cause angst in my own life, as well as different things I knew were weighing heavily on friends and family. Now, I hate making blanket statements because every situation is different. I will just say that for all the things I was thinking about, the root cause of each of the ongoing struggles could be traced back to what we allowed ourselves to believe.

Could it be that often times the only reason we continue to struggle is because of what we're allowing ourselves to believe? Let me give an example. I have struggled my whole life with this underlying feeling that there is something wrong with me. It doesn't matter how many successes I have, how many friends I have, how much encouragement I receive. I just feel like my personality is flawed and I find myself wishing I could be quieter, more passive, more loving, less outspoken, less overbearing. You know... that Proverbs woman that has eluded me all of my life. In my head I understand we're all different, and all our personalities work together to accomplish God's purposes. But in all honesty, I believe that more for you than I do for me.

I saw the movie "Blind Side" last week with Leonard. THAT IS MY NEW ALL-TIME-FAVORITE MOVIE! Sandra Bullock's character had a lot of the personality traits I've spent a lifetime wishing I didn't have. But it worked for her. She was able to be totally overbearing, yet still have a heart that was overflowing with love and mercy. I can't tell you how many times through the movie Leonard told me her character reminded him of me. (One example... her husband told the kids as she was outside talking to Big Mike, "I know that look. Your mother's about to get her way.") (yeah, that's me)

That movie was so good for me. It gave me hope that it's okay to be who I am. And I think it also got me to thinking that I've struggled with something for a lot of years (decades) simply because of what I've allowed myself to believe. Will I be able to change what I believe? Probably not right away. But I have a clearer picture of what I'm fighting against. When those old feelings arise, I will try to identify what it is I'm believing that's causing those feelings, and replace it with truth. What truth have I discovered?

1. It's okay to have areas of my personality that need refining. It's all part of the growth process.

2. I don't stand alone .... chances are there's something wrong with most of you, too. :o)

3. In the midst of the things that may be wrong with us, there are lots of things that are good and right and wonderful about us.

4. We can rest in the fact that there is not now nor will there ever be anything wrong with God.

What are you struggling with? What is it you're believing?

And life becomes normal again....

We just finished marrying off our daughter this weekend! We don't have the pictures back yet, but here's a snapshot my other daughter took while they were getting ready....

I don't know how this whole process usually goes for people, but we planned this for over A YEAR... and it still seemed like all the details were crashing in around me at the last minute. I thought I had everything planned out so well, yet there were still things that were missed, things that didn't go as planned. Fortunately, all my friends told me that no one even knew anything went wrong and that it was a beautiful event. I love friends.

I was right about one thing, though. For all the last-minute stress, and all the details that didn't work out right... none of it mattered anymore when I saw my beautiful daughter walking down the aisle on her dad's arm. It's a picture that is forever etched into my memory.

And when I look at that picture, all I can do is smile.

The still and quiet voice.....

Ever have those times when you just feel like you're right on the verge of discovering something new and deeper in your relationship with God? This is one of those times for me. Is it about faith? hope and trust? giving? abiding? or all of the above? I'm not sure. I just feel like I'm about to discover something really magnificent about our relationship that will take it to a whole new level.

He seems so very close -- like he's whispering in my ear but it's just quiet enough I can't make out what he's saying. His words keep getting lost behind the worriesome voices... Our numbers are down at work this month--there are only two weeks left--how are we ever going to pull them up? .... Our daughter is facing major decisions in the direction her life is taking. So many outside influences. God, please let her hear your voice. .... Our son-in-law and daughter have so many obstacles to face in getting his legal status. They have such a young and beautiful family. Lord, please don't let them be ripped apart. ... so many voices. So much worry. It keeps going around and around in my mind. And in the background, I see him waiting. I hear him whispering. Why won't he step into the front and tell me what he has to say?

But it's in the back that he waits. He waits for me to choose to let go. He waits for me to still the worrisome voices. He waits for me to realize that all I have is him. All I have is his voice to calm the storms. So I let them go. My job, I give it to you. My daughters, I give them to you. Every situation that seems so impossible... I lay them at your feet. And it's then that he whispers.

Your future is secure.

Marie Mixner...a true inspiration

I just got back from attending the funeral of our pastor's grandmother, Marie Mixner. Marie was 94 years old  and although I just got to know her the last few years when she and her husband Albert moved to Nebraska, she has made a lasting impression on me.

Rewind to Mother's Day several years ago. A young woman in our church decided to put on a big event for Mother's Day, complete with a meal, a program, a video... it was a wonderful event! I was standing by Marie's table when she looked up at me and said, "Tracy, I'll bet you had something to do with planning this!" I quickly told her, "No, it was Sara... she planned the whole thing. I'm getting old and tired... time to let the younger girls do this stuff." She looked me straight in the eye and said, "What??!! Old and tired?? I was TWICE your age before I started slowing down!"

Keep in mind, I was probably 42 when I said that. But I realized it was true. She did stay active and serve well into her 80's. The other night Dan told me how Albert was still climbing up on the roof of their old church to fix things when he was in his 80's. The church had to MAKE him stop climbing up there! And that is the life of servanthood that Albert and Marie Mixner led.

They are an inspiration to Leonard and I. That's the kind of people we want to be... eager to serve, LOVING to serve. Never wanting to stop.

I don't think I'll ever be able to utter the words "I'm old and tired" again. I will follow Marie Mixner's example, as she followed Christ's.

Faith - Day 3

The very day we found out Aaron's mom was denied for coming to the States for the wedding, Rachel found a quote (by Anne Lamott) on her facebook page that said when God is going to do something wonderful, He always starts with a hardship and when He's going to do something amazing, He starts with an impossibility.

Great timing? An encouragement from God to trust that he's going to do something amazing? I know it's possible it wasn't meant to have anything to do with our situation. And yet, in my heart of hearts it gives me hope. Yes, God can take an impossibility and turn it in to something amazing. I've seen him do it.

The other night I told my friend, Terri, that I know God does amazing things, because I HAVE SEEN many of them. Her reply? "God always does amazing things. We just think it's particularly great when they line up with what we want."

hmmmmm. That is certainly true. We tend to think things are especially amazing when we get what we want. But for me, I think it goes even deeper than that. I want to KNOW God. I want to really know him, and I want to believe all the things he wants me to believe. And when a situation like this arises where it has to do so much with relationship, everything I know about him tells me that surely he wants this as much as we do.

So then if he doesn't make a way for her to be here... if it doesn't happen... it's not so much about whether he does amazing things. I still know he does. The question that will keep me up at night is "Do I even know him?" When everything I think to be true turns out to be wrong... it makes me wonder if this relationship that I think is so very close is in fact lacking. He knows everything about me, but after all this time do I still not know him like I thought I did? That is the underlying fear.

Surely we spend our whole lives getting to know God, and still we only scratch the surface because there is more depth to him than is humanly possible to imagine. But the parts that I've seen, the love that I've known, the heart that has drawn us to him and to each other... I can't imagine that he wouldn't want to make a way for Aaron and his mom to finally be together on this special day. I can't imagine his heart would not be for the son who desperately wants to see his mom. Even Oprah, in all her limited humanness, would want that.

So my quest for faith has become this. A quest to know if I know God. A quest for him to show me more of himself, and to show me what to believe. My desire is to know you, Lord. Reveal yourself, reveal your heart, reveal your love.

I can't bring myself to believe this is the final word on the situation with Aaron's mom. I'm holding out for the amazing things that God will do.

Faith - Day 2

Here I am in day 2 of trying to make peace with the fact that God didn't do things the way I expected him to. Honestly, I don't know why I even have a problem with it. There have been so many times that I've wound up being SO GLAD he did things differently.

But then there are those nagging times that I haven't been glad at all. Like with Doug & Jean laying in bed with their MS... in pain... day after day after day. I can't understand why he hasn't healed them from this horrible disease. What if this is one of those times?

I've already gone through the whole gamut of thinking of all the reasonable explanations for why he may have kept Aaron's mom from coming. Maybe the plane she would have taken was going to crash...etc., etc.

But most of all, I keep hoping that even though the situation looks more difficult than ever, he will still make a way. I daydream about the look on Aaron's face when he sees his mom for the first time in 6 years. And the joy on her face as she embraces the most adorable grandchildren in all the world. I just want her to be here. And God is all about relationships... so I can't help but believe he wants her here, too.

So that's how I will continue to pray and hope and believe. Somehow he will make a way. Somehow she will get here and it will be an amazing and wonderful reunion. For everything I know about his heart, I can't imagine that he wouldn't be as happy as we would be to see this happen.

Lord, I pray that you would do what you do best. The impossible.

Faith--the general, non-specific kind

Days like today make me wonder how deep my faith really is. Is there any depth or meaning to it at all? Or is it a very generic sort of faith? Let me back up a little bit.

I have no trouble having faith in God. I have faith that he will always be there for us. Faith that no matter what happens, good or bad, he will walk through it with us and we will be okay. I have faith that he knows what he is doing and we need to just let him do it. But that kind of blows to pieces my faith in the power of prayer.

Rachel & Aaron are getting married on December 5th. Aaron has not seen his mom since he was 16 years old. Because it would mean SO MUCH to Aaron to have his mom at the wedding, and to have her see her only grandchildren for the very first time, we spent the last few months lining up everything she would need to be able to get here for the big event.

There was a big obstacle to overcome in that Aaron's aunt on his dad's side (through a complex set of circumstances) had the deed to Aaron's mom's house. This is one of the things she really needed before she went to her meeting to see if she could come, because the big issue is if she is financially stable enough that they believe she won't just try to stay here. Amazingly, when Aaron's mom went to her to offer to somehow buy back the deed to the house, her heart softened and she just let her have it, free and clear.

Rachel's eyes were full of light as she confidently told Aaron that she believed God softened his aunt's heart, that no one else could have done that. She told him she knew at that point that God would make a way for his mom to be at the wedding. She had total faith that God would come through.

Up until today when Aaron's mom had the meeting and they denied her request to come. They consider her a flight risk because she doesn't have a lot of money. Rachel called me, crying. She knew how much Aaron wanted his mom to be here.

I assured Rachel that it's not over until it's over. They said she could get a lawyer and still try to come, so I said that's what we'll do. We'll get a lawyer. But I was so disappointed. I hate to put this in print, but I was disappointed in God. I know he will always take care of us. I know we will all be okay. But this meant so much to Aaron and Rachel, and they were counting on him to soften the hearts that needed to be softened, and to make a way where there was no way. I know God is not some genie in a bottle that just does whatever we want him to do. But Aaron & Rachel are young and just learning to put their trust in him. I thought he'd throw them a bone.

I know that sounds like I think God is mean... I really don't. I know he is a loving and kind God. I'm just struggling with some major disappointment here. My hope is that if we continue to pray and put our trust in him, he will still make a way for her to be here. But I'm afraid to tell Rachel and Aaron to trust that he will make a way.... just in case he doesn't. Because we all know he doesn't always do what we want him to do.

And this is where my dilemma is. I'm fine with just letting God do whatever he thinks is right. I trust that he is well-informed and knows the right thing to do. But where does prayer come into this? I don't even like the whole concept of having faith when we pray because then when it doesn't happen, it makes me question WHY we are supposed to have faith when we pray.

I wind up going back to my comfy place of having faith that God knows what he's doing and I need to trust him. But is that making excuses for God?? Is that my way of saying God is not moved by our prayers and we just need to be okay with that? I believe I serve a God who is big enough that he doesn't need us to make excuses for him when he doesn't come through. He is the God of the universe and he knows the best thing to do at all times.

....................but what do I tell Rachel and Aaron?
That is my question for God.

I'll keep you posted.

Caring About Today

I think if we all stop and take a good look, there is a lot to love about today. A lot to treasure. A lot of things we may want to take the time to really live and absorb and make a part of ourselves. We get so busy sometimes hoping for the things that we don't have yet, that we miss some wonderful opportunities to experience life today.

I've been trying to make it a point to think about this every day. There are new people that have come into Leonard's and my life that I hadn't really taken the time to appreciate. Why are they in our lives now? What love and support can we offer in their efforts to be closer to Jesus?

We have a wedding coming up. We are thinking so much about the wedding day, I hadn't really taken the time to stand back and enjoy the excitement in my daughter's eyes today. Today we looked for jewelry, and the time we spent together doing it? I'll treasure it in my heart forever.

Every day our grandkids are coming up with something new. They're at the age where they're constantly discovering and learning... and then taking those things and making them a part of their own unique little personalities.

My oldest daughter, Jenelle, is going to college, majoring in English ed. It's easy to be so focused on where she's trying to get to that we miss how very blessed she is to be having the experiences she is having on campus every day. She has met so many people that never would have been a part of her life had she not taken on this adventure. Every relationship, every encounter, every experience that she has on the way to that degree is so very important.

Today is often rushed. How much can we get done? Who needs to be where? What time is it now? But oh, the joy when we choose to open our eyes and take the time to appreciate the things we're doing . . .  and the people we're doing them with.

The Tired Boy

This is my grandson, Ezekiel.

Rachel had to run out to pick up Aaron last night and she asked us to keep an eye on Ezekiel while he ate. One minute he was sitting in his booster chair eating his dinner as he does every evening, and the next he sat with his arm over his eyes, sound asleep. Not even budging. (And not looking terribly comfortable.) Sound asleep.

Doesn't it seem that kids know a little something about the importance of rest that we adults have lost touch with?

Expect God to Do Great Things

I once heard faith defined as "expecting that God will do great things". (Not to be confused with "expecting that God will do what you want him to do") That particular definition is really inspiring to me.

God, by his nature, will do great things. If we will take the time to notice, I am convinced we will be able to identify daily great things he has done all around us. I am so inspired by this concept, I've asked my sister-in-law to make me a small sign to hang above our doorway. The last thing we will see as we leave the house in the morning is "Expect God to Do Great Things Today!" (A little reminder never hurts.)

Today Jenelle left town once again to head back to college in Minnesota. Before she left, I snapped a picture:

The man on the left? A devoted husband, father, and grandfather. He takes the time to be sure that all of us know we are loved and well cared for. Then there's Jenelle. Somehow going to a Christian college that no ordinary person can really afford, learning things about herself and the path God has for her. Rachel, with a husband and two children that she adores, and who adore her. Then little Ellie. No, she's not asleep. She's not even shy. It's her baby sense of humor! Every time I said I was going to take the picture, she'd lay her head down and pretend to be sleeping! She's funny already.

It's moments like these that I capture in my heart. Who needs a sign over the doorway? God has done great things today.

Preoccupied

I've been a little pre-occupied the past few weeks. It's certainly not that God hasn't been doing a work in my life, because HE HAS!!! I feel like every day I'm more aware of how important it is to live life for things that are eternal rather than getting caught up with "worldly priorities". But you see, Rachel's wedding is coming up on December 5th, and as it gets closer and closer...
IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT!!!

If there is anything more wonderful than getting to help plan your daughter's wedding, I don't know what it is. If you want a sneak peek, here is their webpage www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RachelRamirez&AaronRamirez

The reception is going to be a "Winter Wonderland". And my favorite touch? The little hot cocoa bar. Or is it the firepit on the deck? Or the cheesecake? Or the white branches with little snowflakes hanging down inside vases with glowing light boxes? Maybe it will be the fabric hanging on the walls with the twinkling icy blue, pink and lavender lights behind it. Or the cocktail hour? With chips, salsa and blue margaritas? What fun! It's so hard to decide what my favorite part will be.

But it won't be hard on the 5th. Because I know the moment I see my baby girl in her beautiful gown, walking down the aisle. That's all that will matter to me.

Revelation

The past few days have been filled with a series of personal revelations. Sunday was exceptional. We had a guest speaker at church and what he said pierced my heart right to the center. He was talking about people who were created to love and to have joy. Now obviously, we're all supposed to have love and joy... but he was talking about a specific gifting in this area. And he talked about how sad it is when someone loses it.

I felt like he was talking straight to me.

It's not that I walk around depressed or anything. But I know the difference. I know the difference in the way I am now as opposed to the time when I saw hope in every situation and always had encouragement to offer. Not out of obligation... but because I really believed good things were ahead. Then over the course of time different things happened that just made me feel like I needed to sit down. My whole Christian life I'd been jumping around cheering the world on. It was time to sit down.

I have still maintained great faith in God. And my love for him still runs deep. That's probably the only reason I was able to hear what He was saying to me. It's time to stand up. It's time to let my faith in Him shine again. It's time to remember the limitless possibilities of living life with God. And over the weekend I renewed my promise to God to live my life wholly for Him.

Then today it hit... financial problems, relational problems, work problems... I was drowning in problems. Doesn't it seem like this happens every time you renew a vow to God? I've heard people say the devil attacks you whenever you start to be a threat to him, but I don't think that was the case this time. I pulled up to a client's parking lot and asked God how I was supposed to go in there with a smile on my face. And then came the greatest revelation of them all. As one thing after another hit me today, I started to lose my joy. And as I sat in that parking lot, I heard God ask me, "So are you in, or aren't you?" And it all came spilling out... This Is Life. There will continue to be hardships, some big and some small, sometimes spread out and sometimes all at once. But either I'm in or I'm out. No ceilings where I say I trust you unless it gets this bad. Either I believe He is the King of Kings and I wholly give my life to Him, or I don't. When one thing after another hits me, will I still trust that He knows what He's doing? If I really trust Him, then I trust Him with everything. Everything.

And Lord, in answer to your question..... I'm in.

And She's Back at School...

Jenelle came home from college to spend the weekend with us. It was such a wonderful, wonderful weekend which ended with the buffet at CiCi's. When it was time to hit the road again, she got the hug:

I've got to tell you, Ellie's hugs make it very hard to leave.

After the fall...me & Whitney Houston

I'm a big Whitney Houston fan. Even though I've never met her, I have spent considerable time praying for her the last few years. Here was a woman who knew Jesus. She knew Him. But she fell, and she fell hard....... And all the world saw it.

I know from personal experience what it's like to have everyone you know see you fall hard. I can't imagine adding to that everyone who lives on the planet. I just watched her interview with Oprah yesterday and she was very open about how even when she was still in the midst of it all, she cried out to God to help her. She cried out for strength. And she loved Him so much and was so humbled by the fact that He still loved her and never left her. I can so relate to that.

I had a "vision" during the darkest time of my life. I was actually driving down the street and it was almost Easter. I was thinking about how foolish the religious leaders were to kill Jesus. Then I heard a voice within me say,

"I didn't die because of them. I died because of you."

I immediately saw in my mind Jesus collapsed on the ground on top of the cross. I was huddled over one of his outstretched arms, and was horrified to see I had a huge spike in one hand and a mallet in the other. As the sin of my life began to play before my eyes I began driving the spike into his hand. I was sobbing..... I didn't want to be doing that to him and I tried to stop. Yet something else would come to mind and I'd hit that horrible spike into his hand again. He would writhe in pain, and I would cry all the harder. I knew the pain I was causing him, and I knew he didn't deserve it. It was my sin. It should have been me. But I just continued to hurt him.

After what seemed like an eternity, I lifted my head and looked toward him. With horrible pain in his eyes, he was looking right at me. I was so ashamed and so, so sorry. I couldn't imagine what he must be thinking, yet I couldn't look away. He looked at me for the longest time.

What happened next completely changed my life. Of all the things he could have said to me right then, of all the things he could have said as I knelt there with a mallet in my hand . . . . . he looked into my eyes and said,

"You're going to make it."

I will never forget that moment. I began sobbing right there in my car. For the first time in a long, long time, I knew I was going to be okay. I was going to recover. I was going to make it. And it was because of Him. It was because of his great love.

Whitney Houston knew everyone saw her fall. Would they hate her? Would they reject her? She had no way of knowing. All she could do was fix her eyes on Jesus and stand up & start using the gifts he'd given her once again. She couldn't control people's reactions, and she didn't try to. I was sooooo happy to hear she came out with another cd, and I pre-ordered it so I could get it right when it came out. If you haven't heard the title track "I Look to You" check it out  here ... it's an awesome song. And the really amazing thing? She said R Kelly wrote this song for her TEN YEARS AGO. Ten years ago, God knew how much she was going to need this song.

Way to go, Whitney.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There's nothing worse than feeling like you're stuck and there is no way out. On an extreme level, I think of the Alfred Hitchcock story Final Escape.

In that story a killer goes to prison and eventually comes up with a scheme to bribe the prison mortician, whose responsibilities include carting out the corpses of dead prisoners, to help him escape. The prisoner was to climb into the coffin with the next dead prisoner and be buried alive. Later the mortician would come back to dig him out. The plan seemed to go well, but while laying in the coffin the prisoner starts to wonder why the mortician is taking so long. He strikes a match and to his horror, the dead body next to him is that of the prison mortician.

It still sends chills up and down my spine. Can you even imagine being stuck underground in a coffin knowing no one would ever come for you? Alfred Hitchcock came up with some twisted story lines, that's for sure. But this story in particular lends itself to a deep truth. Without hope, we will perish. And more people than we may think feel like they're laying in that coffin with no way out.

We've all met people who can't seem to find a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. A way out. An end to the suffering. Hope. And there is no greater despair than feeling like you're going to be stuck there for the rest of your life, alone and afraid. But that's the thing about God. He never meant for us to be alone. He never meant for us to be afraid. And He definitely never meant for us to be without hope.

He has provided a way out. For all who love Him and follow after Him... there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a hope that is so great, it swallows up the despair and the darkness, leaving its power over you completely broken. Even if there is no way out of the current situation, He has made sure there is a bright and shining light at the end of the tunnel. Whether it's disease we're finding ourselves having to deal with, or financial problems, or relationship issues... He has the light we need to make it through. Turn to Him. Turn to the light. And the current situation will lose its hold on you.

By the way, I've re-written the end of the Alfred Hitchcock story in my head so I can sleep better. He lights the match and sees the mortician, but instead of ending there he cries out to God. He confesses the sin of his life and cries out for forgiveness. And deep beneath the earth in that old box, a light shines. He sees the power of God for the first time in his life, and he begins singing praises to God.

And those beautiful, passionate, heartfelt praises continue until he meets Him face to face.

FAILURE: See Growth

I had a thought today, and I'm just going to put it out there. I think the word "failure" should be completely wiped out of the English Language.

We've been talking a lot with our Small Group about how what we think and how we believe directly affects our ability to really live in the freedom we've been given. We have a lot of negative thinking inside our heads that has accumulated through many years, and it's going to take a conscious effort to change that thinking. It takes a conscious effort to choose to believe what God says rather than what we've been programmed for years to believe by the world. And as I was thinking about it today, I decided this would be a great place to start.

Failure. The word can make you cringe. No one likes to fail. And most people find it hard to recover from failure. At the very least, it causes you to become a little gun-shy when faced with trying something again. Worst-case, you climb into a hole and shut yourself off from the world vowing never to go through it again. I'm convinced it's because the world has taught us to look at failure all wrong.

If I were able to go into every dictionary and change one thing, I would list failure like this:

Failure: See Growth

How long have we been looking at failure as baggage we have to carry around? A black mark on our foreheads that makes us feel that we have to prove ourselves again? I don't believe God has ever looked at it that way. His focus has always been on growth. It's never what actually happened that matters, it's where you're going, where it leads you. Maybe Peter would have never been as passionate of a servant to Christ if he hadn't first denied him 3 times. Does that make his denial a failure or part of the process of growth?

It will take a conscious effort, as it does with changing anything in our deeply-held belief system, but I want to start a movement. This will be a movement where everything that was once labeled as a failure will now be celebrated as a process of growth. Every time we get the opportunity to grow, it should be celebrated! Buy a cake...invite some friends! Let's celebrate the knowledge we have today that we didn't have yesterday! REFUSE to look at anything that happens as a failure that pushes you back. CHOOSE to see it as growth that is moving you forward!

REFUSE and CHOOSE! Are you in?

Another handsome boy

After spending a considerable amount of time in the back yard on my week off, I started noticing something. Our big, beautiful dog Kairo was becoming even bigger and more beautiful. People have told us he is a magnificent beast, and I knew he was a nice looking dog... but after some quality time with him that week I just thought, "Wow, look at you!" We have a chocolate lab, Jack, who follows me everywhere I go, so I notice what's going on with him a lot more. But Kairo... Kairo likes to stay outside. He likes to guard the house and chase the dangerous predators (squirrels, birds) out of the yard. We live across from a park, so he plants himself by the front of our fence and keeps guard all the night long to be sure no one is where they shouldn't be. (Our neighbors love him. They say he keeps the neighborhood safe.)

Then come morning, he comes inside so we can shower attention on him (totally on his terms) and cuddles up with us on the bed for awhile. But as soon as we get out of bed, he heads back outside.

We've been talking a lot about taking the time to appreciate what we have. So last night I looked into Kairo's big eyes and told him how much I appreciate how he watches over us. He looked at me for a few seconds, then turned his head to continue his watch.

After all, he's a magnificent beast. And he knows it.

He's such a little man...

It's so amazing how one haircut can transform a little baby....

into such a little man..................



At the ripe old age of 7 months, Ezekiel's hair was in his eyes, and the dreaded task of getting him to hold still long enough for a haircut was no longer something that could be avoided. We were all apprehensive about what the end result would be, but .... could he be any cuter???!!!! (Although, does that second picture look like he's saying, "So, what did you do with my hair?")

And the bonus? Much to his dad's relief, people have stopped thinking he's a girl!! :o)

Comfort Zones are.... comfortable

The next topic we are facing in our quest to figure out why we often don't live up to our God-given potential is the dreaded comfort zone.

Why is it so hard for us to venture out of our comfort zones? Sure, they're comfortable... but they aren't always preferable. They aren't as exciting, and they generally don't afford us the opportunity to reach for those dreams.

The definition of Comfort Zone according to wikipedia is: operating in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk. A comfort zone is a type of mental conditioning that causes a person to create and operate in mental boundaries that are not real.

Mental boundaries that are not real.... can you imagine that we actually live our lives within mental boundaries that are not real??? And that's not out of a Christian magazine...that's wikipedia!

It went on to say that even though there is anxiety outside the comfort zone, there is an optimum zone right outside the comfort zone where the level of anxiety actually increases performance, clarity, etc. If you move beyond that optimum zone, those traits rapidly decline... but right in the zone... you're shining, baby!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely against comfort zones. I think there are times we need to hang out there. There are good things in our comfort zones, just as there are good things in our homes. But we all know there is a serious problem if you're afraid to ever step foot out of your house, and maybe we should look at our comfort zones the same way.

As we venture out of that familiar zone and find a new level of performance and clarity that we didn't even know existed, I'm thinking it may expand those imaginary boundaries a little bit. And next time, we can venture out a little farther yet... expand, venture, expand, venture!

And at some point I think it would click. What a waste to just stay in the house when there's so much to experience outside!

Go ahead.... appreciate yourself!!!

Is it wrong to appreciate yourself? Within our small group, we focus a lot on being others-centered, but last week we talked in-depth about our lack of appreciation for ourselves. In fact, the general consensus was if you're critical of yourself, chances are you'll be critical of others.

Why is it we have such an easy time appreciating all of God's creation except ourselves? He created us just as we are. He gave us gifts and talents unlike anyone else's. Are you hearing what I'm saying? It's okay to take a good look at yourself and say, "I am beautifully and wonderfully made!"

This whole topic stemmed from the question: Why are we afraid to live up to our God-given potential? We have giftings, we have dreams, we have plans, we have limitless potential... but often times we're afraid to move. The burning question is WHY??

In our society we tend to focus on our failures and shortcomings, and at the forefront of our minds is an ever-growing list of all the things we need to do better. I read an interesting story of a baseball player who realized only AFTER a career-ending injury that he had spent his whole career beating himself up over the things that he didn't think he did well enough. He never took time to enjoy all the many things he did well. Only after his career was over did he realize he missed out on the joy of the game (and his life) because of his attitude.

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. We may have an amazing God-inspired idea. We may even find ourselves getting enthused about the possibilities as it fits right in with the giftings and passion that God has given us. But then somewhere along the line, it comes to a screeching halt. We remember what we perceive as past failures, and we use that information against ourselves. We are painfully aware of all the ways we may not measure up. We remember every hurtful thing that's ever been said to us. And we quit before we start. Without ever having tried to succeed, we chalk this up as another failure. Where we are today has a lot more to do with our thinking than with our potential.

The bottom line? We need to take time to think about all the things we have done well. We need to appreciate ourselves for continuing to persevere through tough times. We need to take the time to be really happy about who we are. We need to believe what God says.... and the key to believing God? Abide in Him. If we are consumed by the world, we'll believe what the world says. Only when we're consumed by God, do we begin to believe what He says.

One Glorious Week

This picnic table was my best friend this week....

I took the week off of work (which is code for I worked from home). I probably did almost as much work as if I had been in the office, but it was so, so different. I woke up in the mornings and the first thing I did was go out to the back yard in my pajamas and sit at this picnic table. I watched the sun as it rose higher into the sky, and I talked to God. We talked and talked and talked. And I even did a lot of listening. I can't tell you how much I needed this week, and how revived I feel after spending so much one-on-one time with God.

My second favorite place is where you would find me in the evenings... sitting on our bench in the front yard with our tiki torches lit. This, of course, after we finished our family bike ride (which is always way farther than I think it should be). Every morning and every evening, nothing but peace.

And in between? Cranking the Praise & Worship music and cleaning the house. Catching up on projects I've wanted to get done, and one day when I was lucky... pushing Ellie higher and higher on her swing in the back yard!

I needed to remember life could be slow. It was like my own personal tailor-made retreat.

What a great week.

4th of July Fun!

As my granddaughter, Ellie, and her cousin, Sebastian, will be quick to tell you, not everyone enjoys the loud fireworks. But quick to adapt to any situation, they donned their headphones and enjoyed the show!

Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to create the toddler sized "Snappers" that make just the right amount of noise and require no FIRE. What a fun holiday weekend watching two toddlers squeal with delight as they join in the celebration of a freedom they don't yet understand.

I Believe

A friend sent this to me today (not sure who authored it), and I thought I'd pass it along. Although there may be room for debate on a couple of things, overall I think it's really inspiring....

I Believe

I believe...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I believe...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe...that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe...that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe...that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe...that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe...that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe...that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe...that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe...that my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I believe...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe...that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe...that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe...that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe...that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but, we are responsible for who we become.

I believe...that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe...two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe...that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe...that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything.

I hope everyone gets the opportunity to really live what you believe this week!

Give them grace and peace

Last week Leo & I did a search on the New Living Translation site (for "peace" I think it was), and we wound up making an amazing discovery. I don't know exactly how many verses there were, but we found 3 PAGES of verses that had "May God give you his grace and peace" or something very similar. 3 PAGES!!! And not all from the same writer!

Now you could go with one of two opinions here. Either it was a quaint little saying of the time, or the writers really understood how much we need His grace and peace. We tend to lean toward the latter.

Since our Small Group topic was going to be about the things we strive for in life, this little discovery provided us with a fantastic closing for the night. After talking about all the things we spend our energy striving for in this world, we talked about this phrase that was used so many times throughout the New Testament. May God give you His grace and peace. Never "I hope you get that job you're wanting" or "I hope you wind up getting that house you liked so much".

May God give you His grace and peace.

Generally, the reason we strive for the things we do is to achieve peace in one way or another. What if we don't need what we thought we did to get that peace? What if He will just give us His peace? What if He just gives us the grace and the peace we need to walk through our situation as is? What if we don't need anything to change to get that peace we're longing for???

May God give you His grace and peace.

When the dust settles and the smoke clears, it's all we really need.

Pulling Away from the Crowd

We went camping this past holiday weekend and I sure feel rejuvenated. It doesn't make sense, mind you, that I feel rejuvenated -- there was a lot of work involved and I STILL don't have everything put away from our return. But something about pulling away from the city and sitting out in the quiet countryside rejuvenates my soul. And for anyone who has ever enjoyed camping, I probably don't even need to mention the healing power of a hotdog roasted over a campfire. Absolutely miraculous.


Time stands still when you go camping. It doesn't matter when you get up, when you eat, when you nap... schedules are non-existent and totally unnecessary. And my favorite part of all? Talking. Talking while setting up the tents, talking while making dinner, talking while sitting around the campfire. We share so much of ourselves during these weekends... talking and listening, really hearing.


I should mention we aren't hard-core campers. We found a nice spot out in the pasture on Jerry & Rebekah's ranch, and Jerry mowed us a little trail to the house that led to the indoor bathroom. Real campers would scoff. We also had Jerry's horses nearby that Aaron saddled up a couple of times. There's nothing like a nice ride in the country to clear your mind and soothe your soul.

So, the 3-day weekend is over, but I find myself energized and ready to face life with a little more passion, creativity, and even a little more laughter than before.

Pulling away for awhile just does that to me.

Having Access

I was talking to my friend, Terri, the other day about this incredible revelation I got. And, of course, the revelation came in time of crisis.

There was a terrible mistake made on an order for one of my clients last week. It was a really big deal. The mistake wasn't my fault. In fact it was out of my control. But as the distributor, even if it's beyond my control the responsibility rests with me. A control-freak's nightmare, to be sure.

I skipped Small Group on Wednesday night because I desperately needed some alone time with God. Then I holed up in the basement and I prayed. I cried out to God, I wrote to God, I read comforting passages from the Bible. I cried out to God again. And it seemed I kept coming back to the same plea: "Lord, please give me wisdom to deal with this. Give me wisdom that's beyond my own abilities. Give me Your wisdom."

And you know what? Out of nowhere came this amazing peace and clarity. I knew what I needed to do. A mere thirty minutes before that, my head was spinning. I had NO IDEA what I should do. I believe God gave me His wisdom to use... and was I ever grateful. I slept well that night and woke up in a great mood. I knew what I needed to do, I went to work and I did it. And everyone involved was very pleased with the outcome.

The most important thing about all of this is I learned something about God that I really didn't understand before. I'm sure I've asked for wisdom from Him before, maybe in a more generic sort of way. And I guess I knew (again in a generic sort of way) that what He has is ours. But I don't think I've ever experienced such an incredible one-to-one exchange with Him. It was literally like walking up to Him and saying, "Can I borrow your fluffy pillow?" and Him saying, "Oh, sure... here you go." I've had plenty of one-on-one encounters with Him (which I do LOVE!) but an exchange like this? I'm not sure I've ever had one... at least it sure didn't impact me like this. This whole experience has opened my eyes once again to the depths of His love. He is always, always there for me.

And you know what? I fell in love with Him all over again that night.

It's easy to be sad on a gloomy day

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be sad on a rainy, gloomy day? Maybe I should have been a farmer, so I could learn to appreciate it more. But instead I sit here with an attitude similar to the children of Israel, who got so tired of seeing (and eating) manna.

Manna was a miraculous provision for a very LARGE group of people. And, similarly, rain is a very necessary provision for us. Aside from all the "we would all die without it" attributes, rain makes everything beautiful. Many of the things I love are the way they are because of rain. The green grass, beautiful trees and flowers, even the lakes (if you can really call them that in Nebraska)... the rain helps them to be what they are. I should welcome the rain. I should rejoice in the rain. And I think I really could....

if only it didn't bring such gloominess. If only it could rain while the sun is shining brightly.............

Oh, how quickly I forget. The sun IS shining. It never, ever stops. If I got on a plane right now and flew above these dreary clouds, I would find the sun shining just as brightly as always.

And I have to think... maybe it's good for us now and then to remember we can believe in more than what we see.

The grass is greener if you love what you have!

Sometimes I let myself slip into the place where I don't fully appreciate what I have. Today was one of those days.

I was sitting at work just wishing I could go home, wondering why I couldn't win the lottery and spend the rest of my life vacationing. And then it hit me. I have everything I've ever wanted. Not just some of it... ALL of it!

From the time I was a little girl, all I wanted was to get married and have a family. I wanted a home that we could fill with memories. I wanted to experience real family life, real love.

I remember after the girls were born I was working full-time and praying every day in my journal that somehow I could stay home with them. Within a couple of years, God answered that prayer. I even got to Homeschool them for a year... what an incredible experience! And now I have a job where I actually get to work with my husband every day. We get the opportunity to build lots of new relationships, and we have an incredibly flexible schedule where we can make time to volunteer at City Impact, help with church events, or be there for our family when they need it. What an amazing place we are in right now.

And there I sat, wishing for something else. For a moment, I thought the grass might be greener elsewhere. But then I realized it's lush and green right here where I am. I just need to open my eyes.

Living Life Purposefully

I've heard a lot about living life purposefully in the last year or so. Or maybe I've heard it all along but I'm paying closer attention now. It seems like every day I live, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that there are things that just don't matter much and other things that will matter forever. Sometimes we're in tune to that, and sometimes we're not.

We talked in our small group last night about what brought us to the point that we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives near God. I don't know if you would find the same statistics in every group, but seven out of eight of us realized how desperately we needed God in the midst of crisis. If you let it, crisis can really give you clarity.

Remember 9/11? Churches were filling up. Have you ever attended the funeral of a young person? People are acutely aware of the things that really matter. Crisis tends to bring you to the place where you realize you have nowhere to turn but to God. You can't fix it. No one can help you. What you've done all your life no longer works.

Although those times are generally some of the most painful we could ever experience, they can also become the most profound. It is at those times that many realize there is one... and only One... who can help us. There is only one who can comfort us. There is only one who can see us through to a clearer and more meaningful life. And the best part of all?

After all this time, He's standing there with open arms.

Writing our stories....

I'd like to share a little excerpt from an e-mail I received this morning:

You are writing a story with your life. Think of the days like pages and the years like chapters. What is the theme of your story? What is the plot, and who are the main characters?
What pieces of your story are working, and which aren't? How does your story inspire others; what do people learn from it?
If you continue on the current course, how will your story turn out? (Dondi Scumaci)

Have you ever really thought about how much our decisions, attitudes, beliefs, and actions affect our life stories? I love thinking about it. I'm not just living day to day, I'm creating a story with my life. What do I want the theme to be? Who do I want to play leading roles? What adventures do I want to be sure are included?

We have a tremendous amount of input on the stories of our lives. I know we're pre-destined by God, and I don't pretend to understand where one begins and the other ends, but I know we have a lot of control over the direction our lives take. Think about it. We get to choose most of the characters we let become part of our world. Most of our story lines are shaped by choices we've made or even by responses we've had to things that were beyond our control.

And the beautiful thing is... if something isn't working, we can make choices to change it. We don't always have control over how long it will take, how difficult it will be, or even if we'll reach our final destination. But we have total control over how hard we'll try, when we'll give up, what our attitude will be along the way. AND we can weave in as many sub-plots as we want, and declare as many victories as we want along the way! It's our story. It's our lives. These should be the most creative manuscripts of all.

Don't ever be ungrateful....

At the beginning of the year, I posted my New Year's Resolution above my computer. I vowed to live life more slowly, enjoy each moment. And I ended with an italicized "And don't ever be ungrateful" so I would be especially careful to guard against this particular state of mind that tends to creep in ever so quietly.

Whenever I make a point of stopping to think about all that God has given us, my heart overflows with gratitude. We feel so blessed to have Him in our lives. We feel so blessed to have all our family and friends. We feel so blessed to get to experience life in this world and see all the creativity He's used in laying it all out. But all too often, that's not what I stop to think about. I spend more time than I'd like to admit thinking about all the deadlines, responsibilities, scheduling conflicts, and other demands of life. And what happens to that heart that's so full of gratitude? It gets buried somewhere in the bottom of it all. And all I really "feel" is pressure.

That is exactly what I wanted to learn to overcome when I so carefully taped my New Year's Resolution on the wall 3 months ago. And to some degree, I'd say it's working. When I start feeling weighed down by all the pressure, I now recognize it as an early-warning sign. Kind of like the tornado siren going off before the tornado gets here. And the little voice in my head (the rest of you do hear little voices, don't you??) says, "Don't ever be ungrateful." Don't ever be ungrateful.

Those words snap me back into reality. He has given us so much. Things that really matter.

And the last thing I would ever want is for Him to think that I'm not grateful.

Birthday Week

It's the week of my birthday!!! YAY!!!!

I love my birthday! (I may have mentioned that last year.) Certainly I don't require gifts, but on the week of my birthday I require lots and lots of attention! Now, I have never, ever moped around because someone didn't give me enough attention. That never happens, because I don't sit around waiting to see if people remember. I don't want the burden to be on them. So I announce it daily, sometimes two or three times a day. And let me tell you.... when you announce your birthday there are always PLENTY of people willing to smile and wish you a Happy Birthday! It's like the cheery Christmas season, only IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! (uh, sorry, Jesus.)

Now before everyone thinks I doth exalt myself too high, that's not the case! God knows that I know He's the one that belongs on the throne. It's just nice to have that one time a year that people celebrate that you're here. It's nice to have so many smiles directed toward you. It's nice to feel appreciated.

So this post is dedicated to birthdays! And I'd like to tell each of you how much I appreciate the fact that you're here... but I'll have to tell you next week.

Because did I mention this week is my birthday????!!!!!!

The Message

John 4: 49 - 53
The official pleaded, "Lord, please come now before my little boy dies." Then Jesus told him, "Go back home. Your son will live!" And the man believed what Jesus said and started home. While the man was on his way, some of his servants met him with the news that his son was alive and well. He asked them when the boy had begun to get better, and they replied, "Yesterday afternoon at one o'clock his fever suddenly disappeared!" Then the father realized that that was the very time Jesus had told him, "Your son will live." And he and his entire household believed in Jesus.

What a miraculous thing Jesus did for them. Totally life-changing. Life-saving. No doubt the parents were forever indebted to Him. And the son... I'm sure the parents told him the story over and over again of how Jesus saved his life. What an amazing testimony.

But as I was reading this passage today, the thought that came to me was, "I wonder what became of this family."

We all know how the passing of time can cause the bright light to dim a bit, the excitement to wane, the details to get fuzzy. Especially as the story reaches through the generations and becomes "Your great-great-grandfather was healed by Jesus" and even "You have an ancestor who was healed by Jesus." At that point, instead of being life-changing, it sometimes ranks as merely "interesting".

The biggest challenge for the disciples seemed to be convincing people that Jesus really was the Messiah. In contrast, most of the people I come into contact with really don't have a problem believing Jesus is the Messiah. Their biggest problem is believing it's somehow relevent to them. What happened back then is interesting. And they can see how exciting it would have been at the time. But somehow it's not very exciting now. The impact has lessened. It was just too long ago.

Now, I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT saying the message of the gospel is irrelevent. I'm just saying that for a large percentage of the people I talk to, it's not hard for them to believe Jesus is the Messiah, that He came to save us. It's just hard for them to really make that connection of what it means in their own lives. So my question is, how do we deliver the message effectively? It may have been a long, long time since He was here on earth, but Jesus is alive and well. He still cares and He's still paying close attention. He really is near, and He really will make a difference.

And that's what seems to be so hard for them to believe.

A Handsome Fellow

Ezekiel was dedicated at church on Sunday. Can you believe they make such adorable outfits for 3 months old babies??? My friend Michelle said he doesn't even look like a baby. He looks like a short toddler. Must be the hair!

Ellie was the proud big sister... she loves her Baby 'Zekiel. Actually, it was a great moment for the whole family. Just had to share the pictures.

But it hasn't happened yet.....

My friend Terri and I were talking the other night about how much time we waste worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. The media is terrifying people with the doom and gloom of what MIGHT be ahead. What if we lose our jobs? What if this recession becomes as bad as the Great Depression? What if we lose the security we have now?

I'm not saying none of this could happen. I'm just saying there will be plenty of time to worry about it AFTER it happens... why ruin all the perfectly good days we have up until then? Who knows how many really GREAT days we have ahead! I'm all for making the most of them. PLUS... I grew up watching the Walton's. Sure, times were tough but they seemed to make it through okay. They had each other, and times were SO tough that they realized that was all they really needed.

Things could change. It could happen. But I'd like to think that we are a resilient people that can make the best of any situation. Worrying about what COULD happen is always so much worse than actually going through it. I don't know how many people I've heard say that if they had known ahead of time what they had to face they would never have thought they could make it. But once things are in motion, we find out maybe we're not as weak as we think we are. Maybe we aren't victims... maybe we're overcomers! Maybe we're about to find out that the very best days are ahead for us because we get to see what we're really made of!

Please understand I am certainly not trying to minimalize the pain some people have already gone through with losing their jobs or their homes. And I'd be lying if I said thoughts of terror didn't flit through my head from time to time when I think about the fact that if our company goes down, Leo and I BOTH lose our jobs. I understand it could happen, and I understand it could be hard. I know there is pain involved. I just have great hope that we can rise above it. I have great hope that if all we have left is a shiny dime in our pocket and a family we love, it will be enough. It doesn't have to be easy for us to find our way through. It doesn't have to be easy for us to live a great life.

I realize it's good for ratings and maybe sells more papers, but Doom & Gloom is not the place I want to live. I choose to believe that no matter what happens, we will find great things ahead.

FOCUSING

I have come to believe that what you focus on can completely change your life. So, in a very real sense I guess I believe we get to choose whatever we want our life to be. We can have a very difficult life, or we can live happily ever after. We get to choose! You'd think it would be such a no-brainer, and yet as with most other topics, it's not quite as easy as it sounds.

The farther I get on this journey, the more the truth sinks in. I can't necessarily control my circumstances. I can't always control what happens to me. But what I CAN control is how I respond. I can control my outlook on life no matter what comes my way.

Or at least I'm learning to.

When I was young, absolutely every negative thing that happened in my life threw me into a tailspin. As the years have gone by, I've learned that no matter what happens, we get through it. It isn't always easy, but more often than not, we learn valuable things along the way. So through the years I've learned to stop myself more and more often when I begin to slide into that tailspin, and I remind myself of what's important.

1. I have a wonderful family. And even if (God forbid) something happens to one of them, because of what Jesus has done for us, I still have them.

2. My life, my destiny is in the hands of a kind, loving (and really quite whippy) God. He knows exactly what He is doing. And He knows me better than I know myself.

3. Life has twists and turns, but God continues to be steady. He has strength when I'm weak. He can see when I can't. He knows things I don't know. And He understands all of it.

4. God has given us a gift of life... the chance to have all kinds of wonderful experiences. We can see amazing things and meet amazing people. His infinite creativity has given us infinite possibilities!

What a waste it would be to get all caught up in the negative.

The Choice

My friend, Karolynn, forwards me The Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional every day. I actually look forward to it because it almost always inspires me in one way or another. Today's devotional was especially timely... it was about surrendering to God.

I'm sure we've all heard it before. We know. We need to surrender EVERYTHING to God. What a good idea. But not so easy, my friends. It would seem that every time I think I have surrendered absolutely everything I possibly could to God, something pops up that I see I'm still trying to maintain control over. I've resigned myself to the fact that this is a lifelong process. Surrender what you can, discover even more you can surrender, and learn to surrender that. The processes don't annoy me like they used to. I've finally realized the great value in the time it takes to get from Point A to Point B.

But what I really want to talk about is one specific line that was in this devotional. It was talking about how if you don't surrender to God, you surrender to something, whether it be popular opinion, to money, to resentment or fear, or to your own pride, lust, and ego. Then came the line:

You’re free to choose what you surrender to, but you’re not free from the consequences of that choice.

Because I was in the particular frame of mind I was in this morning, that line pierced me at the very center of my being. I'm in kind of a strange place. First of all, I am PMS-ing and that is not a small thing for me these days. At least one week a month I can look forward to feeling like the whole world is going to crumble around me. My doctor asked if I thought I needed medication, but I told him that so far I can get through it just by realizing it's that one horrible week and that what I am feeling is not real. Everything won't really fall apart. It's just feelings.

Add to that some deflating news I got about work. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say it took some of the wind out of my sails. (And keep in mind there wasn't much of a breeze to start with because I'm PMS-ing.) There has been a real temptation the last 24 hours to just surrender to the feelings of hopelessness, despair, sadness.

You’re free to choose what you surrender to, but you’re not free from the consequences of that choice.

Then came that line. I could surrender to these feelings. I'm free to do that. But what kind of consequences would there be? Nothing good could come of it. I've been down the path of depression once in my life and it's not somewhere I care to revisit. And who would want to entertain thoughts of despair even if they didn't lead to full-blown depression? Life is too short for that. There are too many good things all around us to enjoy.

So, that one line snapped me out of it. Oh, it's still "that week". But my thoughts are back to being more healthy. This PMS-y week will end, and life is still good. God is in control of my destiny, and I'm in good hands. I have so much to be grateful for and these temporary feelings of sadness cannot take that away from me.

I choose to surrender to God.

Finally, my head above water....

We spent the whole first week of February in Dallas, TX for work. (Hey, Amy! Love your city!) Then we spent the second whole week of February trying to recover from spending the first week of February in Dallas. It was a crazy couple of weeks. We are lucky enough to have jobs that we can do from wherever we are. However, we have yet to learn to do it very efficiently. We'll just chalk it all up as a valuable learning experience (and hopefully we'll be able to use a little of that new knowledge to make it just a little easier next time)!

At any rate, we're back. And life is good! We had some good friends who just had a baby boy Wednesday, then Brad and Jess just had their little boy, Hutton, early this morning! He was supposed to be a Valentine's baby but he came 2 hours and 45 minutes late for that. Of course he is one of the most adorable little men I've ever seen in my life! Pictures to come!

Last night we kept Ellie and Ezekiel overnight so Aaron and Rachel could celebrate Valentine's Day. I realized a couple of things. 1. We don't have quite the same energy we used to have. 2. I would use my last ounce of strength on these two and never have any regrets.

Things are a little different at our house than they are at home. At home, Ellie can entertain herself in her room. At our house, she says, "Grandma, play with me." My heart melts, and I play with her. I understand the value of sitting and playing so much more than I did when I was young. And I have the luxury of being able to do that more easily because I don't have all the responsibilities I had when I was raising my own kids. It's such a peaceful time of life, full of so much joy.

Next entry, maybe I'll have something to say with a little more substance. But for now, I'm just so glad to be home, and so happy to have such a wonderful family. It's really all I can think about.

Still Talking about Trust

I just found out this past week that our good friends from North Carolina (originally from Africa) may not get to come back to Nebraska because of the budget cuts at UNL. In fact, they said right now they are just hoping to stay in the U.S. Boy did that ever take some wind out of my sail. Right after we got the news, Leonard and I were eating lunch in our break room. Leonard sat there with a thoughtful look on his face, then said, "This is why we have trouble trusting God."

We talk about that a lot in Small Group. God has proven himself time after time after time to be faithful, loving, and kind. He knows exactly what He's doing. Why do we have such a hard time trusting? And this was a prime example. Since the day our friends sat on our porch in 2004 and broke the news to us they were leaving for North Carolina, we have been anxiously awaiting their return. Through many tears we said our good-byes, knowing the hope that they would be back again would be what sustained us. Lincoln, Nebraska is where they belong. We have become family.

And just like that it feels like all our dreams have been shattered.

Emphasis on "feels like". I have to remind myself that over and over again God comes through. How many times have I had to look back and say, "Well, God, I wouldn't have gotten so worked up about it if I'd have known you were going to work everything out like that." We love these friends deeply. But I know God loves them more. And I know He's paying close attention to what is happening in their lives. And He cares very deeply about the outcome. I know they will be okay because they have a very powerful and loving God on their side. It really doesn't make the ache in my heart go away, but what I want more than anything else for them is the very best God has to give. And He is the only one who knows how to do that. So we're right back to it. Trust. Learning to trust. Learning to believe He is paying close attention. Learning to believe He really cares.

I wonder why it's so hard to believe our lives matter so much to Him. That will be a whole new Small Group topic.

Illegal Immigration

Okay, I've talked myself out of it for a really long time. But now I'm going to take the plunge. I'm going to talk about the sizzling hot topic of Illegal Immigration. And I'm not going to take the popular stance.

I guess I should start off by saying that certainly I don't keep up on all the economic implications and I can't spout off statistics as many can. But I can say I've seen impressive statistics to support whichever side of the debate you choose to be on. That's something that has always amazed me... how you can find statistics to back up whatever you want to believe. I read a quote once that said people generally don't form opinions based on the facts, they look for facts to support the opinions they already have. And this is definitely one of those areas where you see people doing that. Any fact presented that supports their opinion, they hold on to. If it doesn't, they send it on its way.

My opinion on this matter has never changed, but it has become a lot more passionate since I now have a son-in-law who is an illegal immigrant. Before you all fall off your chairs, we have filed all the papers to try to get him on the road to becoming legal. But it pains me along the way to have to read and hear such hateful things being said about illegal immigrants, and him.

The people spewing hatred... they have never met Aaron. But would it matter? Would it matter to them that he came here when he was 16 years old, alone and afraid, in order to be able to work hard and send money to support his mother and sisters? He gave up life as he knew it and came into a country where he couldn't even speak the language. He worked hard to learn the language, and he went through things that most of us would be unwilling to go through. Yet we let our pampered selves sit back and judge these people for attempting to live a better life. How dare they? This isn't their lot in life. It's not their place to live as well as we do.

And what is it we did to deserve our good life? We were lucky enough to be born here. I wonder how many of these people that are so worried about their tax money would change their tune if they were born into REAL poverty.

Now, I don't have my head buried in the sand. I know that not every illegal immigrant that enters our country comes with good intentions. I know there are some who come to deal drugs or to live off welfare. But I personally know of a lot of them who DID NOT come for that reason. Because I know this, I think it's crazy to try to come up with one blanket solution that will fit all illegal immigrants. If they get convicted for dealing drugs... ship them out of here! There's no need to tolerate such things. But if they have come to try to build a better life, who are we to take it away from them? That goes against everything I believe in.

I've heard it said many times that if they want to come over here, they should do it legally. I'm sure it would be much nicer for them if they could. But the truth is, most of them can't. If they don't sneak over here, they won't be allowed to come here at all.

About 3 years ago, one of these illegal immigrants met my daughter, and they are now married and have two beautiful children. When my daughters were young, Leonard & I tried to sell them on the idea of letting us pick out their spouses. Of course, they didn't go for it. But I can tell you if we had searched the world over for the perfect husband for Rachel, we could not have found a better man than Aaron. He is a hard worker, a loving father, and a kind and gentle husband. (Funny, too... that's important in our family!) We love Aaron as if he is our very own son. And it hurts my heart to hear all the terrible things being said about him just because he isn't here legally.

Aaron makes good enough money to take care of the family, but he does not have insurance available to him. Under any other circumstance, I would tell Rachel to get the kids on Medicaid until they can get insurance... just in case something bad happens. But instead, they are living without insurance because we don't want to feed the scorn of the people who think illegal immigrants are costing them money. Of course, the kids are citizens, as is Rachel. But people already have their biases and I don't think it would matter. If they could lump Aaron and Rachel into their statistics and make them fit into the opinion they already have, they would do it. So we do what we can to pay the doctor bills without insurance, and pray that nothing serious happens along the way.

I guess I write all this just to say, I don't get it. I don't understand how we can be so hateful to a whole group of people. I don't understand how we can be so worried about our money being used to benefit others, especially when we live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. I don't understand being selfish and greedy.

I just want the whole world to meet Aaron. Because I think knowing him would warm a lot of cold hearts.

And my 2nd post is dedicated to....

I don't generally do 2 posts in one day, but I know you guys are just dying to see how Ezekiel is looking at the ripe old age of 6 weeks! Don't his eyes just melt your heart???

Gifts vs. The Lottery

We were talking last week in our small group about winning the lottery. Who hasn't dreamed about what they would do if they won the lottery?? Of course, we'd pay off our house, any bills, etc. and drive a better car. We'd pay off the church and build the addition. We'd do some AMAZING traveling! But one of the funnest things about winning would be getting to help our friends and families. We think about the looks on people's faces as we start handing each of them $100,000 or $200,000 to help them pay off their own houses (or buy their first one!) How exciting it would be to be able to help so many people!!! We have absolutely no intention of remaining millionaires. There are plenty of ways to use the money up, then we'll go back to our normal lives. Because really.... we like our normal lives.

Then we got to thinking about what God has already given us. Each of us has some amazing gifts that God has chosen to pour out on us. Gifts that are far more valuable than any amount of money. Why is it we don't spend much time dreaming about how exciting it would be to freely give these gifts to our friends? Is it possible that we don't really understand that these gifts are FAR more valuable than any amount of money? When we freely offer to hand out these gifts, we give gifts with eternal significance. We give gifts that will REALLY make a difference in people's lives.

Gifts that last forever.

If we really understood that, I think we'd get a lot more excited about sharing our God-given gifts than we would about sharing any amount of money. Not that we wouldn't still share our lottery winnings. We live in the world, and let's face it... money comes in handy here. But how much more exciting is it to give something bigger, more meaningful, more permanent! We left our small group encouraging each other to pay closer attention, and I want to pass that same encouragement on to you. Whatever your giftings are, they are yours to freely give! Use them! Touch lives with them! Make a difference like only you can! Don't be afraid to get a little excited about it! God has poured out some amazing riches on you. And it's only right that you want to share.