If you've spent any time at all reading my entries, you already know what a faithless woman I am. Or totally faithful . . . depending on the moment. Any mature Christian will tell you that your faith in God cannot be based on your emotions. Well, it is and it isn't. That's what I've found to be true in my life, anyway.

For whatever reason, when God created me He saw fit (or thought it would be funny) to equip me with an incredibly strong set of emotions that can come spilling out at any given moment. I've definitely learned that there are positives and negatives to these cards I've been dealt.

Some of the negatives:
Sobbing through every sappy movie ever made
Tendency to respond first, think later
The "lows" are very low
My outlook on life can change with the Nebraska weather

But there are positives. And although poor Leonard has to endure more of the negatives than all of the rest of you put together, he will tell you the positives are the reason he fell in love with me... and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Positives:
Very sensitive not only to my own feelings, but to the feelings of others
A very deep and unquenchable passion for the things I believe in
The "highs" are very high (don't really understand the need for drugs!)
The love I feel for God is a very real and powerful force in my life

"Emotional faith". It used to be that when I heard people say that your faith could not be based on emotion, I thought I had to somehow change my personality. And there have been times that I have tried (to no avail). I have seen people that seem so strong & steady in their faith, and it certainly seemed like something to strive for. But the problem is, it's just not me.

There is nothing worse than going through your Christian life feeling like God wants you to be someone else. Like you were a screw-up, and He really can't take you back into the shop and start over so you have to make the changes now. Or, even if you "give it to God", you are still praying for God to change you into something He would like better. All the while missing the point that He's totally in love with you now.

I have found that I'm the happiest when my emotions are free! I love being able to express how I feel. I love being able to pour my heart out! BUT (isn't there always a "but"?) that doesn't relieve me from the responsibility of maturing as a Christian. Contrary to what I used to think, maturing doesn't mean becoming less emotional. It just means learning not to be so self-centered. And that is the bottom line no matter what personality type you've been given.

So, for all you emotional types out there... these are my pearls of wisdom (given to me as a reward for growing old):
1. When you get to those very low "lows", KNOW that you have to run to God. Unleash everything you're feeling on Him, and let Him be your help. If you're really emotional, chances are you will always have the low times. It's very important that you know where to go with that. God is still God. You don't necessarily have to fight to get out of the valley... just believe that even in these times He will reveal something to you about Himself, and pray that you stay open to whatever He wants to show you.

2. Be careful not to trample the people who may not have as passionate of convictions as you. What you see as a healthy discussion can seem to others like an attack!

3. Fight that urge to respond before thinking! As much as it seems that you have to respond that very moment, you really don't. Think about how you are going to be interpreted. Think about how what you say affects others.

4. And finally.... RELEASE those emotions and be free! Release them to God in whatever form you want! Sing, dance, write, pray. You have the ability to feel the closeness to God that David felt... don't pass up the opportunity. My friend Terri can release all of her love for God through her piano playing. It's the most amazing thing. When I sit in the room with her, I feel like Saul must have felt when David played his lyre. And I can FEEL the presence of God surrounding me. I can FEEL His love. Nothing helps you gain perspective faster than the presence of God. All the things that seem to matter so much suddenly pale in comparison..........

And the whole world sings, "Hosannah, Hosannah in the Highest"

The Weight

I need You so desperately in my life. There is so much going on, all the time, in every direction. Where is the quiet and the peace? The weight feels so heavy on my shoulders, and I know that without You to lift it off, I could easily be crushed under the pressure. I am just so bad at seeing which things I am meant to carry myself and which things I need to hand over to You. Or if I hand everything over to You, how does that play out in reality? I am still responsible for a lot of different things. I can't just quit doing what I need to do, and I know I'm not supposed to.

So, what does "laying everything at Your feet" really look like? I want to let it all go. I want to give all of my life to You. I want to learn to give up control. But there are just so many things I'm responsible for. Where is the line? IS there a line?

Speak to my heart, Oh Lord. I need to hear Your voice. Show me what you want me to do, and I promise You I will do it. I want to do what You want me to do. But so often, the world doesn't make sense next to Your kingdom...how things should be and how they really are. How does the world with all the competition and bottom lines fit in with putting others first, helping them succeed, and not worrying about money? I certainly CAN'T help my competition to succeed. I can't put them first without regard to myself, or I won't be doing my job. I HAVE to be concerned about the bottom line. It's my job. And it weighs on my shoulders. I don't know how to give that to you. I don't know how to lay that at Your feet and still be doing my job, what I'm paid to do. I want to be the best employee I can be. But I want more than anything else to be the person You want me to be.

So the weight gets heavier. Not only am I carrying the original weight, but I'm also carrying the weight that as a woman of faith, I shouldn't be carrying the weight. I know this all has to fit together somehow, but I can't see it. I am just so black and white...it's this way or it's that way. And I struggle with seeing the shades of gray that are created when the two ways begin to intertwine.

Help me to see, Oh God. Let Your spirt be what guides me through each day. Lead me whether I'm at home or at work. Show me how to live for you in total abandon and still live life in this world. I know You have a plan. I know there is a way. Help me to give my brain a rest and begin to hear with my spirit. Speak to me and show me the way... Your way.

As my heart cries out to You and I feel Your presence filling my soul, let that glimmer of hope arise. Your spirit, Your love is what I'm starving for. Lord, let Your spirit saturate me to the very core of my being. Fill me with all that You are. Let the light begin to shine inside of me, exposing every dark corner and every hopeless thought. Shine your light on every dark thing... everything that is not of you, and replace it with all that You are. You are the one that I need. Show me how to abide in Your presence. Let my life overflow with Your love.

As I sit here in the stillness of your presence, all the tasks remain the same, but the weight that has pressed down so heavily on my shoulders begins to subside. And I simply become overwhelmed by Your love. It's Your light, Your love, Your compassion, Your strength. It's You, Lord, who can change everything without changing anything at all. Suddenly, although it all still matters, it doesn't press on me. It's a job I want to do well, but I am filled with Your spirit and Your love, and nothing can weigh me down. You are all I need. You are all I desire. All of my hope and vision for the future is in You. You are the only one who knows what is going to happen anyway. And I know no matter what turn this all takes, You will be right there with me. So what could I possibly be afraid of? As long as You are there, I'm in. I want to live my life with You. Show me whatever steps You want me to take, Lord, and those are the steps I will take. You are my whole life, and everything I have is from You. I love You, Lord. Thank you for lifting the weight off of my shoulders. Help me to still be the best employee I can be... all the while my heart is abiding in You.

Sailing into the Wind

I was really frustrated with myself yesterday. I told Leonard I am tossed to and fro by the wind and the sea. If someone says something nice to me, I'm on top of the world. If someone else says something critical, I'm totally deflated.

And so it goes, all the day long. Up and down, and up and down. Now, I'm a relatively mature Christian... I am comfortable knowing that all that really matters is what God thinks, and that all the ups and downs are just part of the journey. But the reality is, I am still affected by what people say to me. Then I remember the sails.

We were out at the lake one Tuesday night this summer, and I saw a sailboat moving at a pretty good clip across the lake. They were moving with the wind and really getting up some good speed. But it occurred to me they may have a little trouble when it comes time to get back. I asked Brian how they were ever going to get back again, and he told me they can actually set their sails a certain way and sail right into the wind. Amazing.

So now I wonder, "How can I adjust my sails?" It's so easy to be carried along the waters when the wind is with you. When people are encouraging you, and seeing all the good things in you. I can get going at a pretty good clip myself. But what about when they're critical? Or just plain mean? How can I learn to still make forward progress when the winds are against me?

It's all in adjusting the sails.

Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Surely he couldn't be serious. We actually talked quite a bit about this last weekend. Certainly Jesus is not telling us to be a doormat. So what is he saying? It occured to me this morning that maybe he is explaining to us how to adjust our sails... and as I reread the above passage out of Luke 6, this is what I heard:

"Sometimes people are just going to be mean... but don't let that stop you. Do whatever you have to do to preserve the relationship. Reach out to them, love them. Don't let this be about what's been said or done... that's neither here nor there. What it's really about...what it's ALWAYS about... is building the relationship. Let me use you to show them my love. And in the end, the relationship may turn out to be exactly the one you wanted."

So, as I adjust my sails, suddenly every unkind word becomes a challenge. It's no longer about me--it's about them. What is it I can do to help you feel loved and appreciated? How can I help to resolve these bad feelings? What can I do or say to make our relationship stronger?

Hmmmm... I think I've got some people to talk to....

FAITH OF A HORSE

Jet Doc Olena Cash (Doc)

Over the past few months I've had the opportunity to renew an old childhood passion of mine ... horseback riding. My very first memory of testing God was when I had heard in a church service that God answers prayer, and proceeded that night to ask (beg) Him for a horse. I was pretty sure I had done a thorough job of begging (years of practice), and fully expected to somehow be presented with a horse the following day. If I got that horse, then I would know that God was real. It was a win/win situation for Him and I.

Well, you can guess how that turned out. Next day, no horse. (Fortunately I figured out that God was real anyway... but it did take a little longer to believe He actually cared....how does a child become so skeptical?) I had to learn to be content with riding other people's horses, and I did that at every available opportunity.

Then, last February... it was like a dream come true! No, I still didn't get a horse. But the next best thing happened. Jerry Franck got 3 horses and he lets me ride them, groom them, feed them whenever I want! I love those horses...Thunder, Doc, and Missy. They each have their own personalities and they are the most beautiful horses I have ever seen! However, riding them has proven to be a bit of a challenge.

They have not been ridden much in the past few years, and since they've been at Jerry's they spend most of their days grazing and doing whatever they please. So when it comes time to be ridden, they show a bit of their stubborn side. I still ride them, mind you, but it is a struggle. They keep wanting to stop, then they refuse to go again. I have to work and work and work to get them to focus and eventually (albeit reluctantly) they do what they are supposed to (at least for awhile). So, in an effort to be a better leader, I decided to take horseback riding lessons. I go out to Janel's Training Center near Denton, and she is just the most amazing teacher! I LOVE MY HORSEBACK RIDING LESSONS! She has taught me how to do things the RIGHT way, and I can apply what I've learned to dealing with Doc, Thunder, and Missy.

As I was riding Janel's horses (who have been extremely well trained) I learned to just barely cue them, and they would respond. Just like that. A little nudge from my heel, or a little pressure on the reins, and they would just respond! They did what they were supposed to do! And it made horseback riding so much fun!!! They never refused to go forward... they didn't fight me at all.

And it got me to thinking later... is that how God feels with me? I thought about when I was riding Doc. I love that horse... actually, I ADORE him! But it was so much work to get him to go down the path I wanted him to go. Janel's horse, Angela, did whatever I asked of her... and it made riding so much more fun. How amazing will it be once Doc is trained well enough that he does exactly what he's supposed to!!!

And, however strange it sounds, it got me to thinking, "What kind of horse do I want to be?" I know God loves me even more than I love Doc. But I don't want our relationship to be a lot of work for Him. I want to be someone who responds at the slightest nudging. I want our relationship to be FUN for Him! I know He'll love me either way, but how much more exciting will our relationship be if He isn't always having to tell me over and over again, "No, Tracy... this way...no, you're not getting it Tracy... this way...over here Tracy!" His patience is endless, and I know no matter how many times I blow it, He'll see me through to the end.

But, God... help me. Help me to hear your voice and to understand what you want of me. Help me to be quick to respond and eager to please. I want our relationship to be EASY for you. I want to be a daughter who you know will respond to your slightest nudging. Help me to know you that well. Reveal yourself to me in a way that I can understand... and help me to have the heart to respond.

And while You're at it... could you help Doc?

Sometimes there just isn't a reason.

It is one thing to feel sad when there is a reason to. When someone dies, or someone is hurt... even if someone says or does something that hurts my feelings. Then it's understandable. It's normal to feel sad in those situations.

But nothing bothers me more than feeling sad when there is no apparent reason whatsoever. God is still God. I have a beautiful family, a good job. Blessing upon blessing upon blessing I could count. But I just feel sad. Is this a woman thing, or do men feel it, too? Or, even worse... is it just me? Do normal people only feel sad when there is a reason?

Sometimes, for no reason at all, I just hurt inside. I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like giving up. I feel tired. Not sleepy, but weary. I start being short with the people I love, even though they don't deserve it. Why bring them down? It's certainly not what I want. And yet, it's what I do.

Your eye is a lamp for your body. A pure eye lets sunshine into your soul, but an evil eye plunges you into darkness. (Matthew 6)

I used to think this was talking about what you let yourself see. Good movies, vs bad movies, etc. But the older I get and the more I ponder it, I think it means HOW we see things. A pure eye sees with a Godly perspective. An evil eye sees only the worst. We see a lot of things with our eyes. And we always have an opportunity to respond with love, hope, optimism, wisdom. But at the same time, we have the opportunity to see the worst, to believe Satan, to believe there is no hope. And nothing will plunge you into darkness faster.

This is possibly the strongest weapon Satan has in my life. Nothing incapacitates me faster than to lose hope. The hope and vision that God has placed in my heart is what spurs me on... it makes me want to do great things in His kingdom. When I am inspired, nothing seems impossible. And if anyone tells me it can't be done, I wonder why they can't see how easily it could.

So I guess there's the reason. Satan doesn't want any of us to have that kind of optimism. Satan doesn't want us to do anything great for God's kingdom. Satan would rather have us beaten down, incapacitated. And his only weapon is getting us to believe a lie.

If I'm sad and there is no reason for it... isn't that sadness just a lie? It's an attack of the enemy. I refuse to sit back any longer, just letting him dictate my feelings. I am going to remind myself of all the blessings God has poured out on us, and I am going to rejoice in the love He has for us. I will rise up as a child of the King, and I once again will let Him inspire me to do great things. I WILL NO LONGER BELIEVE SATAN OVER GOD. It's ridiculous to even have to say that... and yet how many times have I unwittingly took Satan's word over God's?

God has taken our lives and made something out of nothing. He has breathed His spirit into us, and given us great purpose. His opinion is what counts in my life, and He is who I choose to believe.

Funny....I'm not so sad anymore.

Faithless Faith

Time and time again, I find myself in this place. I know You are there, and I know you will never leave me. I know of Your power and Your love and Your infinite wisdom. I remember the times You have rescued me and my family... even at the times when we didn't deserve any help.

I know who You are. And yet I find myself in this place. Once again, I wonder... what is going to happen? Will you help us? Will everything be okay? What if all the darkness of the world is just too much this time? What if you decide to teach us a hard lesson? What if it all falls apart?

But then I remember the truth. My life doesn't revolve around my plans. If my plans don't work out, You will still be there... loving us, and still in total control. I do believe that You will take care of us. Whether we're on our faces or not. I do believe You are involved in this whole process and that You have a plan. I won't be so presumptious as to say that I know my interpretation of your plan is infallible. Sometimes I think I know just what You're doing, only to find out it took a whole different form.

But I know you're doing something here. I know you've brought us to this place. I know... I can FEEL... that you are leading us forward. And once again, I want to tell you...whatever you want to do with our lives is okay with us. We want to live our lives for you. Just show us the way. Show us what road you want us to travel, and that is what we'll do. You are an amazing and loving God. My heart is overfilled with love for you. How could I begin to trust anything or anyone but You? Take our lives, Oh Lord, and use them as you wish. We love You, and our hearts' desire is to live for You alone.

Strengthened by words

Have you ever really realized how much mere words can strengthen you? Or not.

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Whoever authored that little saying was certainly lost in some alternate reality. Words CAN hurt you. Words can scar you. Words continue to play back in your mind over and over again if you let them. And the most devastating effect of all ... choosing to believe them.

But there's good news. Words can also strengthen you. Thank God I am surrounded by people in my life... Leonard, Miriam, Terri... who speak words to me that literally cause me to rise up on the inside and feel that I can go on. Even that I can make a difference. And those are the words I try to play back in my mind over and over again.

At the end of some work days, I leave the office feeling like my soul is in fetal position. I'm not sure I can do my job. I'm not sure I can be a good mom, wife, grandma. I'm not even sure my life is of any use to God. I feel like I'm being beaten down, and I don't have the strength to fight back.

So I write. I write to God mostly. And I tell Him how beaten down I feel (as if He doesn't already know). But the thing about telling God these things is I don't feel worse and worse as I go through all the ways I am incapable and insufficient. I feel better and better, because with Him it's okay to be weak. It's okay to not be enough. Because HE is strong, and HE is always enough. So I just rest. I relax in the midst of His overwhelming presence and I know that everything will be okay. I know He loves me, and I know He will never leave me. And what's more, I know that He inspires me. I know that in my job, He gives me ideas. I know that with my husband and daughters, He gives me words, hope, prayers, and encouragement to offer. And I know that because it's my desire to serve Him with all of my heart, He will use me to build His church. I don't really know how... I still don't see how I can be of much help. But He has a really great record for taking someone like me and being able to do great things in spite of all the human limitations.

So I choose to believe in the magnificence of God! No matter what goes on around me... no matter how up and down life can be... I choose to believe that God is bigger, stronger, wiser, and COMPLETELY capable of dealing with it all. There is something extremely satisfying about knowing I don't have to struggle to be more than I am. I am who God has made me to be at this point in the journey, and I can be okay with that. He continues to be strong. And He continues to hear my prayers when I need to pour my heart out to Him. His shoulders are broad, and His patience is nothing short of amazing.

So when I'm feeling weak and beaten down, I can smile. Why? Because God is truly magnificent!