A Constant State of Wiggage

Have you ever heard the term "wigging out"? For some reason Leonard uses that term a lot around me. And, unfortunately, he's justified in doing so.

Today I happened to be sitting with some of my family members and Dan (our pastor) in a waiting room that was a heartbeat away from a very important meeting. This meeting was to be the beginning point for some major changes in our lives. And there I sat, flip-flopping back and forth between total trust in God and a total state of wiggage. When I say total, I do mean total. I was completely one, then completely the other. No middle ground here. And such is my life.

When I mentioned to the others in the room how I kept going back and forth between faith in God and panicking that nothing was going to work out right, Dan did his best to encourage me that everyone struggles with that. In fact I think what he said was I'm no different than anyone else.

And that's when I had to confess that maybe I'm a little more different than he thinks. And not in a good way. You see, I'm in a constant state of wiggage. Not necessarily that I'm actively wigging at all times, but it's always right there... ready to surface whenever the great unknown tips the scale a little too much. Sure, I can tell you all about how peaceful your life is when you put your faith in God. And really... truly... my faith IS in God. But I have to fight in a really big way to keep it there. It seems to be a part of my DNA to fear everything falling apart. Losing everything. Being left alone and afraid. I think the first couple of decades of my life were spent feeling alone and afraid. And although everything has completely changed since then... that was the beginning, so it seems like that is who I really am. Have you ever felt that way? Like you fought really hard to get away from who you really are, and if you let your guard down... even for a second... you'll find yourself right back there? Probably not. That's why I think I'm not really like everyone else.

God changed everything for me. He is truly my knight in shining armor. He makes me feel secure, loved, valuable... the list goes on and on. And when I set my mind on Him, I feel His peace. I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, He is with us and everything will be okay. He has always been faithful. He's always been kind and loving. He's always come through, even when it looked impossible.

So I guess that's the key to it all. When the unknown throws me into total wiggage and those old feelings of being alone and afraid start to surface, I remind myself there really is no unknown. He knows. And all I need to think about is what I do know about Him.

A Big-Girl Bed

Part of getting ready for a new baby brother means getting your very first toddler bed!

My sister found this bed at a garage sale for $20. It's missing one shutter on the front, but Ellie doesn't even mind. She just opens and closes the shutter that's there, as if you can't see anything on the other side as long as that shutter is closed!

Ellie has been sleeping with her mom more than she has been sleeping in her crib, but now that she has her own bed she has very willingly slept in her own room! (I think it's been harder on her mom than her!) AND, as a bonus, she's discovered the bed doubles as a very good trampoline.

Right after we finished putting it together, she grabbed a book and laid on her bed to look at it. As we watched her, we all had the same thought . . . where did our baby go?

And what an amazing and beautiful little girl lies here instead.

It's a Boy!!!

WHAT?? IT'S A BOY????

We finally got the news! This morning Rachel had her ultrasound and, according to the people in the waiting room, you could hear all five of us crammed into the little room CHEERING when they told us it was a boy! Of course, we would have cheered just as loudly if it was a girl! It was just the suspense that was killing us!

So I'm going to have a grandson! You have no idea what an ordeal it was for Rachel to decide on Ellie's name 2 years ago. So now we're faced with figuring out a name she'll like for a boy. This is where I need everyone's help... if you have any great ideas for boys names, by all means let me know! I'll tell you up front, she doesn't like names that are too common (John, James, Bill, etc. are all out). And yet it can't be anything too strange (we won't be having any Moon Unit or Dweezil Zappa children)

So far we have a few names that are in the running . . . Vincent, Eli, Levi, Gideon, Lucas and Logan. If you've got any ideas, the game is on! We only have until the 1st week of December to figure out a suitable name... and ALL suggestions will be submitted to Rachel and Aaron for review!

I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited to be a grandma again!

Baby Steps vs. Effortless Victories

Is it an indication of your level of faith? The fact that sometimes you can move forward only by the sheer will of trusting God for the very next step, and other times you can soar effortlessly right through the center of every challenge that presents itself? Is it your faith? Is it your frame of mind? Are those two things so closely intertwined that one can't be defined without taking the other into account?


I read in one of my sales magazines something that rang true to me not only in relation to sales, but for life in general:


"When in top form, we can do no wrong, and every sale closed, every meeting attended and every project completed is like finding the sweet spot on a golf ball: The connection is effortless. But if self-doubt creeps in, all of a sudden every connection feels strained and any risk feels too great." (Nichole Stella, PPAI)


She goes on to list some questions you should ask yourself to help you reconnect with your confidence and self-worth, and says sometimes what it takes to find belief in your skills and purpose is to remember the details of you.

There seem to be times that we can soar through life with that assurance, ready to tackle any obstacle, to face any challenge, to achieve any goal. But other times . . . it just seems hard to believe we can make a difference. We're unmotivated or afraid to even try. All we can see is our limitations, our shortcomings. And suddenly, any risk feels too great.

It's an age-old problem. Remember the story of Joshua, Caleb and the other spies? When they went to spy out the Promised Land, they all saw the same exact thing, and yet they saw it so differently. Joshua and Caleb saw it as an opportunity for God to do great things. They believed in His power. They believed that whatever He said He would do, He would do. The other spies? They wanted to run. In fact, they wanted to run all the way back to captivity. They wanted to forget about the Promised Land and go back to Egypt to live as slaves!! Can you imagine? They thought that whatever happened there could wind up being WORSE than living as slaves in Egypt. At least in Egypt they knew what to expect. It was familiar. This was new and uncertain. And the risk seemed to great.

Now, don't get all smug on me, thinking, "Those fools! Why would they do such a thing?" Because we all know we have the same problem more often than we'd like to admit. Even though we aren't necessarily happy with the way things are, we'd rather stay with what's familiar than risk something new. Instead of the promises of God, all we can see are the giants.

In John 11:40, it says If you believe, you will see the glory of God. Can you feel that twinge of excitement in your heart when you read that verse? We all want that! We want to see the glory of God in our lives! We want to have faith like Caleb and say, "Bring on those giants! Let's just see how they stand up against the glory of God!!"

And I go back to the statement Nichole made in her article... sometimes what it takes to find belief in your skills and purpose is to remember the details of you. I think as a Christian, as someone who was so lost and confused until God took my empty life and filled it with all that He is, that statement is off a little bit. I think our greatest help is to remember the details of Him. Remember how much He loves you. Remember the promises He's made. Remember all the ways He has been right beside you through all the good and the bad. Remember that what He says takes precedence over any appearances.

I think every day we are faced with opportunities to choose between the Promised Land and Egypt. To choose whether we wander around in the wilderness or defeat the giants. Every time we are faced with a challenge or an obstacle, we have choices. And I think we need to pay close attention to what we've chosen. We need to go back and ask ourselves the hard question: Did I take the land, or did I run back to captivity? Did I believe God, or did I run from the giants?

If you don't like answers, just remember.... it's never too late to start believing God! And once you do, those giants don't stand a chance.

Good Things are Happening All Around Us...

I think it's time we give the good things in life their due. I don't know why the bad things seem to get top billing all the time, but I'm dedicating this blog entry to the power of good!

Think about it. We can have 20 great things in a row happen to us, but often all it takes is one bad thing to cause it all to come caving in around us. I'm not sure why the bad things have such power over us... they certainly don't deserve it. Most (I would say ALL) of us would be hard-pressed to find a pen with enough ink to write down all the amazingly good things we have in our lives. And yet something bad happens, and it can throw us right into "a mood".

We generally don't give the good things that kind of power. If we're in that aforementioned "mood" and something really good happens, we often aren't even able to enjoy it. After all, we're in that "mood". It takes something pretty darned amazing to catapult us out of a bad mood to a place where we can dance on top of the world. But it can take just one plan falling apart to throw us into worry or despair. I'm guessing that's why the Bible often encourages us to think about good things, to remember what God has done, etc. If you're not already in the habit of dwelling on those kinds of things, the bad stuff can hit you pretty hard.

So there it is. That's what I want to do. I want to spend a significant amount of time thinking about all the good things in my life. I want my thoughts to dwell there. I want to let the good have the power it deserves.

After all, it's the light that is supposed to dispel the darkness... not the other way around.

Time to move on...

This is one of those days. We've been involved in Vacation Bible School all week long, and although it's fun to see so many kids having such a good time, it's quite a relief when it's over. Maybe better people than me are sad to see it end, but I'm telling you... these long-term projects are the death of me.

Isn't Vacation Bible School only a week you ask? Why, yes, it is . . . but in my world it may as well be a lifetime. You see, I'm the type of person who likes to swoop in, plan an exciting one-night event, and move on to the next project (see all previous blogs about getting into a rut). It's not that I mind helping with this kind of stuff. I think it's good for me. I think we should all be a part of things that aren't easy for us now and then . . . it seems to build character. If nothing else, it helps you die to self a little bit. Do we really want to be the kind of people who only help if it's enjoyable to us? If that were the case, I don't think anyone would EVER get any help on moving day.

But although I think it's good for me to help with projects that are more trying for me, I have to be honest and say I'm always glad when they're over. Partially because, well, it's over. And partially because I feel like I've achieved a little victory in my life. It's easy to take off running with my own vision. It's a real achievement to be able to help run with someone else's.

I'm a strong believer in celebrating victory, so Leonard and I have big plans to celebrate tomorrow night. At the top of the list? I think we'll be heading out to Jerry's.... in the country...

... where it's very, very quiet.