A time for family

I love this time of year. Even with all the hustle & bustle, it always seems to me that it's going in slow motion. Life slows down and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. I am a sentimental sort of person anyway, but just start that Christmas music, start talking about Jesus being born  here on earth because God wanted that much for us to be near him, start getting the families together to share meals.... it's the hap-happiest time of the year!

I know there is a lot of talk about people spending too much money at Christmas. And most certainly, it must be true. But, being the Christmas-optimist I am, I have to believe a lot of the motivation behind it is just people wanting to brighten other people's days! If you're going to go overboard on something, why not go overboard with doing something for others? Now, don't walk away from this post thinking I'm advocating going into debt at Christmas-time. Spend what you have, not what you don't have. I just think when our focus is on the happiness of others, it can never be a totally bad thing!

The past couple of Christmases, I have discovered something wonderful. Me and my sentimental self... I've always been such a lover of holiday traditions. We've always gotten our tree from the SAME place the day after Thanksgiving, we decorate it the same way, we have our grilled cheese and hot cocoa after we decorate, and we joke about how in my mind we're having the grilled cheese on Christmas Eve because that's how I did it when I was a kid. The past couple of years, with the girls moving out and Rachel getting married and having kids of her own, it's been quite a bit different. I thought it would be much harder on me than it is, to let go of the traditions we've held so dear. But I have found there is great joy in seeing the new traditions taking shape in Rachel & Aaron's family. We've adjusted, we've done things differently, and it has worked. I felt as if God was telling me something when we got the postcard in the mail telling us as of this year the Kiwanis would no longer be selling Christmas trees. And on top of that, we knew we wouldn't even be able to put up a Christmas tree until after the wedding. But you know what? I don't even feel as if any traditions have been broken.

Instead, I feel like I've made the greatest discovery of all. The traditions have never been about what or when. It's always been about who.

The Stinky Barn

For the first time in my life, it has hit me. The impact of what God was saying to us by choosing to be born not in a palace, not in a hotel, not even in someone's guest room, but in a stinky barn....it has hit me hard.

We have really gone a long way toward "glorifying" his physical surroundings. Those gorgeous manger scenes. Manger is such a nice word for a feeding trough in a stinky barn. It makes me want to write a new song. "Away in a Stinky Barn, no crib for a bed".  And the cattle won't be "lowing". They will moo. And when he wakes up from all the racket the animals are making, baby Jesus will indeed cry. It will be a song about some very real circumstances... and how the glory of God exists right in the midst of it.

And therein lies the message. I am coming to where you are. The God of the universe chose to come to us. He is not put off by the circumstances that surround our lives. He is not afraid of getting dirty. He has chosen... chosen... to come to where we are. Because that is who he is.

But it doesn't stop there. He wants us to do the same. WHAT??? We are CHRISTIANS, after all! We don't belong in places that may get us dirty! When those people are ready, they should come to us. The only problem is... that's not the example He set for us. Now I'm not suggesting we all need to run out and find some sin-filled situation to jump into so we can consider ourselves obedient. I'm merely suggesting we open our eyes and tear down any walls we've unknowingly built up. Be willing. When the time comes and the need presents itself, be willing to step right into a dirty old barn so His love can transform the lives of the people you find there.

There will be a time for living in palaces. But for right now... it's about helping as many people as we can find palaces of their own.

And if it means we have to live in stinky barns for awhile, then so be it.

Is there something wrong with me?

The other day I got to thinking about the things that cause us to struggle in life. I thought about the things that cause angst in my own life, as well as different things I knew were weighing heavily on friends and family. Now, I hate making blanket statements because every situation is different. I will just say that for all the things I was thinking about, the root cause of each of the ongoing struggles could be traced back to what we allowed ourselves to believe.

Could it be that often times the only reason we continue to struggle is because of what we're allowing ourselves to believe? Let me give an example. I have struggled my whole life with this underlying feeling that there is something wrong with me. It doesn't matter how many successes I have, how many friends I have, how much encouragement I receive. I just feel like my personality is flawed and I find myself wishing I could be quieter, more passive, more loving, less outspoken, less overbearing. You know... that Proverbs woman that has eluded me all of my life. In my head I understand we're all different, and all our personalities work together to accomplish God's purposes. But in all honesty, I believe that more for you than I do for me.

I saw the movie "Blind Side" last week with Leonard. THAT IS MY NEW ALL-TIME-FAVORITE MOVIE! Sandra Bullock's character had a lot of the personality traits I've spent a lifetime wishing I didn't have. But it worked for her. She was able to be totally overbearing, yet still have a heart that was overflowing with love and mercy. I can't tell you how many times through the movie Leonard told me her character reminded him of me. (One example... her husband told the kids as she was outside talking to Big Mike, "I know that look. Your mother's about to get her way.") (yeah, that's me)

That movie was so good for me. It gave me hope that it's okay to be who I am. And I think it also got me to thinking that I've struggled with something for a lot of years (decades) simply because of what I've allowed myself to believe. Will I be able to change what I believe? Probably not right away. But I have a clearer picture of what I'm fighting against. When those old feelings arise, I will try to identify what it is I'm believing that's causing those feelings, and replace it with truth. What truth have I discovered?

1. It's okay to have areas of my personality that need refining. It's all part of the growth process.

2. I don't stand alone .... chances are there's something wrong with most of you, too. :o)

3. In the midst of the things that may be wrong with us, there are lots of things that are good and right and wonderful about us.

4. We can rest in the fact that there is not now nor will there ever be anything wrong with God.

What are you struggling with? What is it you're believing?

And life becomes normal again....

We just finished marrying off our daughter this weekend! We don't have the pictures back yet, but here's a snapshot my other daughter took while they were getting ready....

I don't know how this whole process usually goes for people, but we planned this for over A YEAR... and it still seemed like all the details were crashing in around me at the last minute. I thought I had everything planned out so well, yet there were still things that were missed, things that didn't go as planned. Fortunately, all my friends told me that no one even knew anything went wrong and that it was a beautiful event. I love friends.

I was right about one thing, though. For all the last-minute stress, and all the details that didn't work out right... none of it mattered anymore when I saw my beautiful daughter walking down the aisle on her dad's arm. It's a picture that is forever etched into my memory.

And when I look at that picture, all I can do is smile.

The still and quiet voice.....

Ever have those times when you just feel like you're right on the verge of discovering something new and deeper in your relationship with God? This is one of those times for me. Is it about faith? hope and trust? giving? abiding? or all of the above? I'm not sure. I just feel like I'm about to discover something really magnificent about our relationship that will take it to a whole new level.

He seems so very close -- like he's whispering in my ear but it's just quiet enough I can't make out what he's saying. His words keep getting lost behind the worriesome voices... Our numbers are down at work this month--there are only two weeks left--how are we ever going to pull them up? .... Our daughter is facing major decisions in the direction her life is taking. So many outside influences. God, please let her hear your voice. .... Our son-in-law and daughter have so many obstacles to face in getting his legal status. They have such a young and beautiful family. Lord, please don't let them be ripped apart. ... so many voices. So much worry. It keeps going around and around in my mind. And in the background, I see him waiting. I hear him whispering. Why won't he step into the front and tell me what he has to say?

But it's in the back that he waits. He waits for me to choose to let go. He waits for me to still the worrisome voices. He waits for me to realize that all I have is him. All I have is his voice to calm the storms. So I let them go. My job, I give it to you. My daughters, I give them to you. Every situation that seems so impossible... I lay them at your feet. And it's then that he whispers.

Your future is secure.

Marie Mixner...a true inspiration

I just got back from attending the funeral of our pastor's grandmother, Marie Mixner. Marie was 94 years old  and although I just got to know her the last few years when she and her husband Albert moved to Nebraska, she has made a lasting impression on me.

Rewind to Mother's Day several years ago. A young woman in our church decided to put on a big event for Mother's Day, complete with a meal, a program, a video... it was a wonderful event! I was standing by Marie's table when she looked up at me and said, "Tracy, I'll bet you had something to do with planning this!" I quickly told her, "No, it was Sara... she planned the whole thing. I'm getting old and tired... time to let the younger girls do this stuff." She looked me straight in the eye and said, "What??!! Old and tired?? I was TWICE your age before I started slowing down!"

Keep in mind, I was probably 42 when I said that. But I realized it was true. She did stay active and serve well into her 80's. The other night Dan told me how Albert was still climbing up on the roof of their old church to fix things when he was in his 80's. The church had to MAKE him stop climbing up there! And that is the life of servanthood that Albert and Marie Mixner led.

They are an inspiration to Leonard and I. That's the kind of people we want to be... eager to serve, LOVING to serve. Never wanting to stop.

I don't think I'll ever be able to utter the words "I'm old and tired" again. I will follow Marie Mixner's example, as she followed Christ's.

Faith - Day 3

The very day we found out Aaron's mom was denied for coming to the States for the wedding, Rachel found a quote (by Anne Lamott) on her facebook page that said when God is going to do something wonderful, He always starts with a hardship and when He's going to do something amazing, He starts with an impossibility.

Great timing? An encouragement from God to trust that he's going to do something amazing? I know it's possible it wasn't meant to have anything to do with our situation. And yet, in my heart of hearts it gives me hope. Yes, God can take an impossibility and turn it in to something amazing. I've seen him do it.

The other night I told my friend, Terri, that I know God does amazing things, because I HAVE SEEN many of them. Her reply? "God always does amazing things. We just think it's particularly great when they line up with what we want."

hmmmmm. That is certainly true. We tend to think things are especially amazing when we get what we want. But for me, I think it goes even deeper than that. I want to KNOW God. I want to really know him, and I want to believe all the things he wants me to believe. And when a situation like this arises where it has to do so much with relationship, everything I know about him tells me that surely he wants this as much as we do.

So then if he doesn't make a way for her to be here... if it doesn't happen... it's not so much about whether he does amazing things. I still know he does. The question that will keep me up at night is "Do I even know him?" When everything I think to be true turns out to be wrong... it makes me wonder if this relationship that I think is so very close is in fact lacking. He knows everything about me, but after all this time do I still not know him like I thought I did? That is the underlying fear.

Surely we spend our whole lives getting to know God, and still we only scratch the surface because there is more depth to him than is humanly possible to imagine. But the parts that I've seen, the love that I've known, the heart that has drawn us to him and to each other... I can't imagine that he wouldn't want to make a way for Aaron and his mom to finally be together on this special day. I can't imagine his heart would not be for the son who desperately wants to see his mom. Even Oprah, in all her limited humanness, would want that.

So my quest for faith has become this. A quest to know if I know God. A quest for him to show me more of himself, and to show me what to believe. My desire is to know you, Lord. Reveal yourself, reveal your heart, reveal your love.

I can't bring myself to believe this is the final word on the situation with Aaron's mom. I'm holding out for the amazing things that God will do.