The Weight

I need You so desperately in my life. There is so much going on, all the time, in every direction. Where is the quiet and the peace? The weight feels so heavy on my shoulders, and I know that without You to lift it off, I could easily be crushed under the pressure. I am just so bad at seeing which things I am meant to carry myself and which things I need to hand over to You. Or if I hand everything over to You, how does that play out in reality? I am still responsible for a lot of different things. I can't just quit doing what I need to do, and I know I'm not supposed to.

So, what does "laying everything at Your feet" really look like? I want to let it all go. I want to give all of my life to You. I want to learn to give up control. But there are just so many things I'm responsible for. Where is the line? IS there a line?

Speak to my heart, Oh Lord. I need to hear Your voice. Show me what you want me to do, and I promise You I will do it. I want to do what You want me to do. But so often, the world doesn't make sense next to Your kingdom...how things should be and how they really are. How does the world with all the competition and bottom lines fit in with putting others first, helping them succeed, and not worrying about money? I certainly CAN'T help my competition to succeed. I can't put them first without regard to myself, or I won't be doing my job. I HAVE to be concerned about the bottom line. It's my job. And it weighs on my shoulders. I don't know how to give that to you. I don't know how to lay that at Your feet and still be doing my job, what I'm paid to do. I want to be the best employee I can be. But I want more than anything else to be the person You want me to be.

So the weight gets heavier. Not only am I carrying the original weight, but I'm also carrying the weight that as a woman of faith, I shouldn't be carrying the weight. I know this all has to fit together somehow, but I can't see it. I am just so black and white...it's this way or it's that way. And I struggle with seeing the shades of gray that are created when the two ways begin to intertwine.

Help me to see, Oh God. Let Your spirt be what guides me through each day. Lead me whether I'm at home or at work. Show me how to live for you in total abandon and still live life in this world. I know You have a plan. I know there is a way. Help me to give my brain a rest and begin to hear with my spirit. Speak to me and show me the way... Your way.

As my heart cries out to You and I feel Your presence filling my soul, let that glimmer of hope arise. Your spirit, Your love is what I'm starving for. Lord, let Your spirit saturate me to the very core of my being. Fill me with all that You are. Let the light begin to shine inside of me, exposing every dark corner and every hopeless thought. Shine your light on every dark thing... everything that is not of you, and replace it with all that You are. You are the one that I need. Show me how to abide in Your presence. Let my life overflow with Your love.

As I sit here in the stillness of your presence, all the tasks remain the same, but the weight that has pressed down so heavily on my shoulders begins to subside. And I simply become overwhelmed by Your love. It's Your light, Your love, Your compassion, Your strength. It's You, Lord, who can change everything without changing anything at all. Suddenly, although it all still matters, it doesn't press on me. It's a job I want to do well, but I am filled with Your spirit and Your love, and nothing can weigh me down. You are all I need. You are all I desire. All of my hope and vision for the future is in You. You are the only one who knows what is going to happen anyway. And I know no matter what turn this all takes, You will be right there with me. So what could I possibly be afraid of? As long as You are there, I'm in. I want to live my life with You. Show me whatever steps You want me to take, Lord, and those are the steps I will take. You are my whole life, and everything I have is from You. I love You, Lord. Thank you for lifting the weight off of my shoulders. Help me to still be the best employee I can be... all the while my heart is abiding in You.