Ramblings from a place somewhere between the Spirit and the Flesh...

Something significant has happened.

I have this deep, seemingly insatiable desire to connect with God in a way I never have been able to in the past. Today my friend Karolynn sent me some devotionals out of a book called Kneeling We Triumph by E.F. and L. Harvey. Here is an excerpt that stirred something on the inside of me:

The reason why many are finding prayer so unsatisfactory and the life of prayer so unattractive, is because they have attempted to enter into the celestial realms of prayer in the strength of the "old-man". The "old-man" can no more wield these weapons which "are not carnal but mighty through God", than he can "love his enemies", or "rejoice always", or "have the mind which was in Christ Jesus", or fulfil any other Christian grace. He (the old-man) may imitate these graces, but actually possess them, never. They are "the fruits of the spirit". They come from above. They are the out-workings of the Christ-nature imparted to the believer and incorporated in his being on the basis of the Cross.

It then goes on to explain that it's only when we realize our oneness with Christ in death and resurrection that prayer becomes the powerful force in our lives that it was meant to be.

This excites me. I have always felt that prayer has not been as powerful in this day and age as it should be and I have never understood why. And something on the inside of me is urging me to pursue this line of thought. Have I tried to imitate a good prayer life in my own strength? Certainly there have been times that I've felt I've really connected with God, but other times when I feel I'm just saying words. Could the difference be whether I was praying in my own strength or truly praying in the Spirit?

I don't have this all figured out, but I am determined to find answers. We talked last night in our Small Group about how many distractions there are these days as compared to past times when life was simpler (not easier, but simpler). And I don't know about everyone else, but I know that there are a lot of times I operate in my own strength. It comes so naturally to me. As I recognize it, I try to turn it over to God, but sometimes it seems I'm on Auto-Pilot and am just finishing everything up before I realize God hasn't even been a part of it.

Now, I'm not sure how it happens . . . how does one really come to understand their oneness with Christ through death and resurrection? I don't think it's something I've ever come to fully understand. In fact, I don't think I've understood it at all. I don't think I really know what it means to die to the old-self and live in the Spirit. I've interpreted it in the past as just trying kill off the selfish things and start doing the things Christ would want me to do. But shouldn't that just be the natural end-result of truly living life in the Spirit? I'm doing it all backwards. I'm trying to do it in my own strength.

So, this is my #1 pursuit. I want to REALLY live in the Spirit. And even as I make the declaration, I find myself making a mental list of things I could try to do to make this happen. I don't know if this sort of thing comes easily to others, but it's probably the most puzzling thing I've come up against . . . EVER. How do you pursue something without doing it in your own strength? I want this more than anything. I want my prayer life to be rising up from a place in the Spirit that has been made possible because I have died and risen with Jesus. But I don't want to do it. In fact, I can't do it or it would just be another cheap substitute. I want Him to do it. But how do I pursue it without it being me instead of Him?

It leaves me in a place of frustration and confusion, where the only words I have left are,

"Lord, please come and get me."