That Internal Garden of Eden

As you can probably tell, one of the issues I think about a lot is, "What are we really supposed to be giving our lives to?" How are we supposed to be using our time? How do we balance life? How do we make sure we're doing everything we have to do that only seems to have value in this world, and still be sure we're focusing on the things that are eternal? Maybe people only start thinking about this as they get older, but I really would like to be living life with the heart, the attitude, the focus, and even the enthusiasm that God intended. I'd really like to know I've touched every life I can possibly touch in the most positive way I possibly can. I do want to make a lot of money for my company... I want to do a good job, and I pray for God's creativity to do that. But I want my life to be so much more. And it seems to take so much energy just to try to do what I need to do for my company... where is that balance?

Today I was thinking about the beginning. I mean the very beginning. I was thinking about God creating Adam and Eve... before sin, before everything went south on us. What was the original purpose? What was His intent for life? And the only thing I can see is He intended for us to enjoy Him, enjoy each other, and enjoy what He created for us.

Has that original intent changed? You can read an awful lot in the Bible that tells you to be ready to suffer, to count it joy when you suffer, etc. Yet you still can see where it says the most important thing is to love God with all your heart and love each other.

Focus. That seems to be such an integral part of everything. The key to it all. It just keeps coming back to focus. I have seen people in situations where they are suffering and that's all they can see. They aren't really enjoying God, and they aren't enjoying others. They definitely aren't enjoying life. And, really, I often think who can blame them? I surely wouldn't want to be going through what they are going through. And yet others seem so happy in the midst of their suffering. I see what they're going through, but I don't see the same pain. And I find myself wanting to be more like them. They seem to be a whole lot more focused on their relationship with God and with others, and not so much on the suffering.

I remember Paul's words... I count it all joy. To be honest, when I've read that in the past, I've always had the underlying thought that he really meant he could put up with all the bad because he knew eventually (in heaven) things would be better. But what if he truly did feel JOY through it all? Is it possible to enjoy God and others so much that it overpowers all suffering? Is it possible to be so consumed by the joy of those relationships that everything else pales in comparison? Is it possible to do your job, and at the same time be overwhelmed with joy in your relationship with God and others? To the point that your job just becomes part of it???

I think it must be possible. And I think God has placed this intense desire in my heart to find that place.

Here's to the Garden of Eden.... I can feel it beginning to grow on the inside.

Having Goals

I've heard a lot over the years about the importance of clearly stating your long-term goals and the ways you intend to achieve them (short-term goals). That makes sense to me. Except it doesn't.

I am 46 years old, and I still have no idea how to clearly state my long-term goals. All of my goals seem so intangible, maybe a little abstract. Everything I have read about the subject says you won't achieve your goals unless you clearly define them. And that sends me almost into a panic. Oh my gosh... I'm not going to achieve my goals unless I write them down! Quick... get me a piece of paper!

And then I sit there. I sit there staring at a blank piece of paper. Certainly I have goals. Why can't I seem to write anything down? I'm a fairly motivated human being. What are my goals???

But when I think of what I want ten years from now, I realize I still want the same life I have today. I want the same husband, the same daughters . . . maybe a few more grandchildren (but I don't feel that's something that goes on my goal list). I want to know we will be living our lives unselfishly, helping others whenever we see a need. I want to be people who always have encouraging words to offer. I want people to know that if they need help, they can come to us, whether it's to talk or to move a dresser. Certainly I have financial goals... I want to be able to have enough money to pay all our bills and have some leftover so we can continue having amazing family vacations, fixing up all the long-overdue projects on our house, and helping others however we can.

I have a picture of how I want life to be... but as for a list of goals, it bothers me that I don't have one. I feel like with not having one, maybe I'm not as effective of a human being as I should be. Should I be able to map out a plan? Are there things I should be doing on a daily basis to whip this plan into action?

Yesterday morning my oldest daughter sent me an e-mail called "The List" in which she listed all the things she loves about me. She also sent one to her dad. I cried when I read mine. Then I posted it by my computer so I could read it every day. And in writing this blog entry, I looked over and read it again, and I realized... my page isn't blank at all. I'm just lucky enough to have everything I ever wanted.

Mom & Dad--I don't really know why I made these lists...

other than because I just wanted you to know...

I love my mother because she always sees me as good, even when that's the last thing I feel. I love her because she is so selfless and always wants everyone around her to feel loved. I love her because she cried while she watched me sleep when I was sick. I love her because she said she never wants me to feel obligated to do anything; she never wants me to feel stuck. I love her because she's always on my side. I love her because she chose to be a better mom than she could have chosen to be. I love my mother because she let me be angry with her in order to protect me. I love her because she knew that sometimes, in order to love me, she couldn't protect me, and I know that hurt her. I love my mother because she chose to forgive when she could've stayed angry, and how that taught me to forgive, too. I love my mother because there never was and never is anything too big for her to want to give me. And I love her because she loves me enough to do all these things.

To pray or not to pray

We were talking about prayer last night. I don't know if this surprises anyone, but there are a LOT of Christians who struggle in their attempts to pray on a regular basis.

The big question of the night was, "Why?"

I think if I really, honestly believed that God was going to answer my prayers, I would eagerly hop out of bed each morning to lay my petitions before him. So, deep down, do I not believe prayer is effective? Have I been a Christian for this long, yet I don't even believe in one of the most basic principles?

I guess I should start out by telling you I love my prayer time. I'm sure I don't pray as much as I should (but can you ever say, "Oh, I pray enough"??) And I definitely don't leap out of bed early in the morning, wide-eyed and energized. But I love the time I spend with God. I love the closeness, the intimacy. It's the most sane part of my day.

But what we were talking about last night is the petition side of prayer. Crying out for ourselves and others because of pain, hardship, suffering. The truth is, God doesn't always do what we think He should want to do. And so sometimes it gets hard to continue to pray for things we've been praying and praying and praying for, without seeing any results. Ever felt that way?

The first step was just admitting it. We have no idea why God wouldn't want to heal people from their suffering. We have no idea why He lets some things go on for so long. We think we know His heart, then we wonder if we know Him at all. And we think, "Why pray? He'll do what He's going to do either way."

And that would seem true if it weren't for example after shining example of God coming through in more magnificent ways than we could ever imagine when we prayed. We've seen both.

So what can we say? There was a group of eight of us discussing the topic, and this is what we know we can believe:

1. God is a good God.
2. He loves the people we pray for MORE than we do.
3. His ways are not our ways, His timing is not our timing.
4. We put WAAYYYYYY too much importance on the circumstances of this world. We need to realize the things that are eternal are of much greater importance, and recognize that God could be doing extraordinary things in that realm while circumstances remain unchanged.
5. HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

So overall the consensus was: We can trust Him. We are operating with very little information while He operates with ALL the information. He is a kind and loving God who never wastes anything... not even pain... and we can trust Him. He will never leave us high and dry. He will always be near.

So we will continue to pray. And instead of checking to see if He's done what we've asked Him to do, we will rest in the assurance that we are all in very good hands.

Sometimes you just need to rest...

I could learn a lot from my granddaughter.

Sometimes I feel like I just push too hard. I push too hard at work, I push my daughters too hard, I push Leonard too hard, and certainly along with it I push myself too hard. I think I try too hard to make sure everything is as it should be at all times.

Why don't I know that's impossible?

Ellie understands life quite well for an almost-two-year-old. There are really amazingly fun times, there are difficult times (especially when no one is willing to give her whatever she wants at the moment!), and there are just "times". But no matter which one of those times it happens to be, if it's time to take a rest, she takes a rest. She just lets it all go. She doesn't let the worries of the day keep her awake. She doesn't even let the fun keep her awake! When it's time to rest, that's exactly what she does.

I think it's possible I could learn a lot about rest from her. Maybe not sleep, but just being able to rest... even in the busy-ness of the day. Relaxing is highly under-rated.

Just look at Ellie... she went all the way to Galveston to take a nap.

And then vacation is over.

We just got back from vacation yesterday. Ten glorious days away . . .

. . . and I'm so glad to be home. You see, I LOVE our home. I love the fact that Lincoln, Nebraska is boring and that we don't have lots of tourists. I love our old, creaky house. And I especially love our comfy king-sized bed after sleeping on a pull-out couch for a week. It's just good to be home.

We did, however, have a wonderful time in Galveston. We spent time at the ocean every single day. Most everybody loved the boogie-boarding, but Ellie and I spent the majority of the time playing in the shallow water, collecting sea shells and dumping them out so we could collect them all over again. Quiet days spent playing with my granddaughter while watching Leonard and the kids playing in the water . . . my heart could hardly contain the contentment, the satisfaction, the feeling that life was just too good. I guess I always feel like we are blessed, but at times like these a little video screen goes off in my head and I remember ALL the reasons life is good, all the memories. The times we will treasure for all eternity. Some on vacation, some in our living room. Some happy, some very sad. But everything working together to bring us to the place we are today. All molding and shaping our character, increasing our compassion, developing our view of life.

It hasn't always been an easy journey. In fact, there have been some heart-wrenching times. But I can look back and I can say with all certainty, God was faithful to use it all for our good. He didn't waste a single tear. He helped us learn and grow and become closer to him. There are things I would never want to go through again, but today I am glad those things are a part of us.

Leonard and I walked along the beach with Jenelle as the sun was going down, the waves splashing at our feet as we talked about her future plans.
She isn't sure what the future holds. She's not quite sure what she should do. "I just want to do what God wants me to do."

We are so blessed.