I have never had a problem expressing myself with the written word......
Until the last few months.
A lot has been going on, both outwardly and inwardly. Usually when I am having intense feelings I immediately start writing, but this year has been different. I've been doing a lot of thinking, often lamenting. In many areas I've been adjusting my thinking. But I haven't done much writing, because for some reason that I can't begin to understand (because it's so totally not like me) it all feels stuck on the inside.
This has been a year when the tragedy of death seemed like it was going to incapacitate us, only to be followed by the elation of one wonderful birth after another. It's been a year of cancer, separation of family, pain, struggling. And at the very same time that a family was grieving so deeply over the death of their young daughter/wife/mother who collapsed on her treadmill only to die a few days later, we got the very best news we could possibly hope to get. Our family would soon be reunited.
We were celebrating our greatest joy....something we had been eagerly waiting months to hear.... at the very same time they were grieving the biggest loss they had ever had. And I think that's when it really hit me. This world will never make sense. We will continue taking turns celebrating and mourning and celebrating again. Terrible, terrible things will happen. But really wonderful things will happen, too. Over and over and over again. People in one part of the world are struggling with how to find something to feed their children so they don't die of starvation. Others are struggling with how to fit a flat-screen tv into their budget. It doesn't make sense.
And I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I don't know what to say. I feel this strong urge to live for something more meaningful. Leonard and I continue to feel it's getting harder and harder to live our comfortable little lives knowing there are so many people out there who are really suffering. I feel like there is some sort of awakening going on in the inside of me, and yet I don't know what I'm waking up to.
I like being able to end my writing with the point. The reason I wrote it.
But I don't know what to say.
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4 comments:
I have been praying for you and your family that your son-in-law would be able to come home. I am so glad to hear that news!! Are you all reunited yet? I am so sorry to hear of your friends' loss. I will lift up their family as well.
Oh...THANK YOU! I really do appreciate that. He's not home yet, but it's getting very, very close (at least it seems to be). We think we will have him home within the month. Thanks for praying for our family. It's such an amazing thing to have people we haven't even met praying for us. God is so good. :o)
You are so welcome. I know it must feel a little strange to have random people saying so, but you all have just been on my heart since I first read about the separation. I have 3 little kids at home, and I can't imagine what it would be like to have my husband gone indefinitely. I am so glad he's coming home!
You are an amazing writer. I can almost feel everything you say. Thank you.
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