A couple of weeks ago, it hit me! Finally, after 19 1/2 years of living in our house, I figured out exactly what I wanted to do to the back of it. I've always known I wanted to knock out the back and put a rounded breakfast nook with LOTS of windows looking out to the back yard. But I've never really known what would happen to the upstairs. I kind of thought maybe just a double-decker deck of some sort. But then it hit me. I would extend the sunroom that is up there and make it into a rec room! How fun! We would have plenty of room for entertaining... get a pool table that converts to a ping-pong table, and a shuffle board table. We'd put a few high top tables along each side. It was a perfect idea!
Leonard and I were so excited with the vision.... but it didn't last. You see, I have this inner dilemma. The thought of making our already-sufficient home into something nicer when I know there are people who are LOSING their homes, or who have needs that are so much greater than ours.... that really, really, really bothers me.
Don't get me wrong... I do not begrudge people what they have. I don't think it's a sin to be rich or have possessions as long as you live with a generous heart. But is there a line? And where is it? I think it's something each of us have to determine for ourselves. But I'm having a little trouble with mine.
Can I spend however many thousands of dollars it would take to remodel our house when I know people are living at the City Mission? On the other end of the spectrum.... Can I spend $20 on a pizza when I know there are people who are hungry? (Let me assure you...I can.) But should that bother me just as much? And what about everything in between that we buy? The phones, the computers, the furniture... replacing them just because there's something better out there.
There are so many people with needs and struggles that I can't even begin to understand. People who live without ANYTHING every single day. What about them? We think of them when there are earthquakes and it's all over the news. But when they're quietly starving to death or dehydrating from a lack of clean drinking water.... as long as we don't pay attention, we can go on with our lives.
Is this why Mother Teresa lived the way she did? Did she have a true understanding of how important it is to care for the people with real needs? How did she get to the place where she could freely give up everything just for the privilege of taking care of those who needed her? What if we ALL gave up everything we have to take care of those who need us? What would the world look like?
So many questions. And that nagging, underlying knowledge that I can make it all go away just by not thinking about it.
God, help me. Help me to really understand what it is you have for me to do.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What really matters
Sometimes I get so caught up in my schedule, I catch myself forgetting what really matters. Last weekend we went to Minnesota. It was a wonderful trip! We were to have a company meeting in Glenwood on Monday, and it just so happened our oldest daughter had to get back to St. Paul to start classes at the same time. So we decided to hop in the car and follow her back on Saturday so we could relax in a hotel, go to Mall of America, and just enjoy some time with her before dropping her off at the dorms. Every moment of this will be a treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.
Sunday night, we were heading to St. Paul to her dorm room and we got stuck in some really heavy traffic. This is when I found myself getting annoyed. Apparently there was an accident up ahead and all the cars were trying to squeeze into one lane. It took quite a long time to get by, and it's probably a good thing because it gave me some much-needed time to think. There was an accident up ahead and I was irritated that it was inconveniencing me. I had NO IDEA if the accident was a fender-bender or if some families lives were going to be forever altered because they lost a loved one. I've seen what this does to a family. And suddenly my schedule didn't matter anymore.
My mind went back to when my daughter's boyfriend was killed in a car accident a few years ago. He and his brother stopped in to talk to their mom, and on their way home they slid into an oncoming car. His mother had absolutely no idea that would be the last time she would see her son alive.
After things like this happen, we are acutely aware of what matters. And we think we'll never, ever forget. But somehow it gradually fades. We are beings that naturally gravitate toward taking things (life) for granted. We find ourselves having to REMIND ourselves to be grateful, to pay attention to what matters, to let go of the things that don't.
In Ephesians 5:17 it says Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. If it were possible to determine how much of what we do is done thoughtlessly, I wonder what the percentages would be. Even if we didn't do anything bad, if we had taken the time to understand what the Lord wanted us to do in that situation, would we have done things the same way?
Life is so precious. The time we have here is so precious. None of us can possibly know what's ahead. I want to pay closer attention to what really matters. I want to be able to loosen my grasp on what doesn't. I want to be so in tune with my Father that as I am living my life I understand what He wants me to do.
Because whatever it is that He wants me to do, it will be something that definitely matters.
Sunday night, we were heading to St. Paul to her dorm room and we got stuck in some really heavy traffic. This is when I found myself getting annoyed. Apparently there was an accident up ahead and all the cars were trying to squeeze into one lane. It took quite a long time to get by, and it's probably a good thing because it gave me some much-needed time to think. There was an accident up ahead and I was irritated that it was inconveniencing me. I had NO IDEA if the accident was a fender-bender or if some families lives were going to be forever altered because they lost a loved one. I've seen what this does to a family. And suddenly my schedule didn't matter anymore.
My mind went back to when my daughter's boyfriend was killed in a car accident a few years ago. He and his brother stopped in to talk to their mom, and on their way home they slid into an oncoming car. His mother had absolutely no idea that would be the last time she would see her son alive.
After things like this happen, we are acutely aware of what matters. And we think we'll never, ever forget. But somehow it gradually fades. We are beings that naturally gravitate toward taking things (life) for granted. We find ourselves having to REMIND ourselves to be grateful, to pay attention to what matters, to let go of the things that don't.
In Ephesians 5:17 it says Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. If it were possible to determine how much of what we do is done thoughtlessly, I wonder what the percentages would be. Even if we didn't do anything bad, if we had taken the time to understand what the Lord wanted us to do in that situation, would we have done things the same way?
Life is so precious. The time we have here is so precious. None of us can possibly know what's ahead. I want to pay closer attention to what really matters. I want to be able to loosen my grasp on what doesn't. I want to be so in tune with my Father that as I am living my life I understand what He wants me to do.
Because whatever it is that He wants me to do, it will be something that definitely matters.
Friday, January 8, 2010
But let me explain....
Okay, so Leonard's comment to me on the last post was he thinks I'm too hard on myself. Or "I don't think the situation is as bleak as you make it out to be." And as I reread the post I can see how that's how it sounds. So I feel I need to explain.
Although it may SOUND like I'm being harsh with myself, I don't feel that way at all. When revelation comes from God, it's never discouraging to me. In fact, it is exciting! Sure, there's that moment when faced with your own short-comings you think....ugh, yeah---that's me. But when I finally understand something in such a way that I'm sure change is coming in my life, when I'm about to be set free from something that I feel has limited me in so many ways... I want to shout it from the rooftops!
Yeah, I really sucked in this area for YEARS, but God has shown me the way out!
There is nothing as exciting, motivating, and life-changing as a revelation from God. And you know how pretty much everything he does "passeth understanding"? Well, the part that is baffling is no matter what he shows you about where you've gone wrong, there is never even a smidge of condemnation in it. I have no feelings of condemnation.... just the feeling that I'm standing on the very threshold of victory.
Have I mentioned I just love God?
Although it may SOUND like I'm being harsh with myself, I don't feel that way at all. When revelation comes from God, it's never discouraging to me. In fact, it is exciting! Sure, there's that moment when faced with your own short-comings you think....ugh, yeah---that's me. But when I finally understand something in such a way that I'm sure change is coming in my life, when I'm about to be set free from something that I feel has limited me in so many ways... I want to shout it from the rooftops!
Yeah, I really sucked in this area for YEARS, but God has shown me the way out!
There is nothing as exciting, motivating, and life-changing as a revelation from God. And you know how pretty much everything he does "passeth understanding"? Well, the part that is baffling is no matter what he shows you about where you've gone wrong, there is never even a smidge of condemnation in it. I have no feelings of condemnation.... just the feeling that I'm standing on the very threshold of victory.
Have I mentioned I just love God?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
How Does That Make Me Feel?
I'm sure you have heard, as I have, all the jokes directed at Psychiatrists about the overused phrase "And how does that make you feel?" Well, today I'm not laughing so much because I had a personal epiphany that is not pleasant. I'm more selfish than I ever realized.
For some reason it just hit me. Most of what I do is based primarily upon how it makes me feel. Ugh. I hated thinking it, and I hate even more putting it in print. I look at my home life, my work life, my church life... it's all the same. I do the things that make me feel safe, happy, fulfilled, etc. etc. And I avoid the things that make me uncomfortable, scared, insecure, etc. Certainly it's normal to prefer the former over the latter. But to act on it? To make daily decisions based on it? As a born-again, Bible-believing, God-trusting Christian... I don't find that acceptable. I'm not judging anyone else, mind you... I just don't find it acceptable for me.
For crying out loud, I'm almost 48 years old!!! (It's almost my birthday again, which will be my day off from being others-centered and will continue to be all about me!) :o) At this juncture in my life, I would like to think that I would have the confidence to jump right in and do whatever task is before me no matter how it makes me FEEL. I know God. I trust God. I'm aware that he will bring growth to us through every experience, both good and bad. It's time to stop letting fear and self-doubt paralyze me. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO EVEN BE ABOUT ME.
And how does that make me feel???? Like there needs to be a major overhaul in my thinking. And I think there will be a really sweet freedom in this victory.
For some reason it just hit me. Most of what I do is based primarily upon how it makes me feel. Ugh. I hated thinking it, and I hate even more putting it in print. I look at my home life, my work life, my church life... it's all the same. I do the things that make me feel safe, happy, fulfilled, etc. etc. And I avoid the things that make me uncomfortable, scared, insecure, etc. Certainly it's normal to prefer the former over the latter. But to act on it? To make daily decisions based on it? As a born-again, Bible-believing, God-trusting Christian... I don't find that acceptable. I'm not judging anyone else, mind you... I just don't find it acceptable for me.
For crying out loud, I'm almost 48 years old!!! (It's almost my birthday again, which will be my day off from being others-centered and will continue to be all about me!) :o) At this juncture in my life, I would like to think that I would have the confidence to jump right in and do whatever task is before me no matter how it makes me FEEL. I know God. I trust God. I'm aware that he will bring growth to us through every experience, both good and bad. It's time to stop letting fear and self-doubt paralyze me. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO EVEN BE ABOUT ME.
And how does that make me feel???? Like there needs to be a major overhaul in my thinking. And I think there will be a really sweet freedom in this victory.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Relationships
When I first decided to give my life for the Kingdom of God, the relationships I had were absolutely essential in helping me to establish a firm foundation. We moved back to Lincoln shortly thereafter, and God led us to a group of people we are still with today. The very first thing I really remember our pastor saying is, "Do you even know if the person sitting next to you is contemplating suicide?" He went on to tell us that if we are going to be the church, if we're going to be able to lay down our lives for one another, if we're really going to be able to love each other...we have to get to know each other.
Leonard and I have been completely sold on this concept ever since. Love God, Love Each Other. It's the church. It's the way it has to be if we're going to be effective. In the old days, our church really shined in this area. We knew how to relate. We knew how to love. But somehow, we were lacking in other areas. We loved each other so much, we never really reached out to anyone else. Somehow, without meaning to, we became very exclusive.
Our pendelum has swung way over to the other side now. We embrace the new people we can bring in... and I love that. Yet, we've lost so much of the relationship aspect of it. I never want to be a Christian that just sees the people God has joined me together with on Sundays. I want to be the church that really loves one another and would lay our lives down for each other in a heartbeat. I want the depth of relationship that can only come from being joined together by the Spirit of God. And, in a sense, Leonard and I have devoted our lives to this. We will probably spend the rest of our days on earth trying to get people together, putting them in situations where they have the opportunity to get to know one another. Love God, Love One Another. It is vital to the life of the church.
I love the fact that our church brings in so many visitors. And I loved having a church where people really want to live life together. I refuse to believe we can't have both.
Leonard and I have been completely sold on this concept ever since. Love God, Love Each Other. It's the church. It's the way it has to be if we're going to be effective. In the old days, our church really shined in this area. We knew how to relate. We knew how to love. But somehow, we were lacking in other areas. We loved each other so much, we never really reached out to anyone else. Somehow, without meaning to, we became very exclusive.
Our pendelum has swung way over to the other side now. We embrace the new people we can bring in... and I love that. Yet, we've lost so much of the relationship aspect of it. I never want to be a Christian that just sees the people God has joined me together with on Sundays. I want to be the church that really loves one another and would lay our lives down for each other in a heartbeat. I want the depth of relationship that can only come from being joined together by the Spirit of God. And, in a sense, Leonard and I have devoted our lives to this. We will probably spend the rest of our days on earth trying to get people together, putting them in situations where they have the opportunity to get to know one another. Love God, Love One Another. It is vital to the life of the church.
I love the fact that our church brings in so many visitors. And I loved having a church where people really want to live life together. I refuse to believe we can't have both.
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