The still and quiet voice.....

Ever have those times when you just feel like you're right on the verge of discovering something new and deeper in your relationship with God? This is one of those times for me. Is it about faith? hope and trust? giving? abiding? or all of the above? I'm not sure. I just feel like I'm about to discover something really magnificent about our relationship that will take it to a whole new level.

He seems so very close -- like he's whispering in my ear but it's just quiet enough I can't make out what he's saying. His words keep getting lost behind the worriesome voices... Our numbers are down at work this month--there are only two weeks left--how are we ever going to pull them up? .... Our daughter is facing major decisions in the direction her life is taking. So many outside influences. God, please let her hear your voice. .... Our son-in-law and daughter have so many obstacles to face in getting his legal status. They have such a young and beautiful family. Lord, please don't let them be ripped apart. ... so many voices. So much worry. It keeps going around and around in my mind. And in the background, I see him waiting. I hear him whispering. Why won't he step into the front and tell me what he has to say?

But it's in the back that he waits. He waits for me to choose to let go. He waits for me to still the worrisome voices. He waits for me to realize that all I have is him. All I have is his voice to calm the storms. So I let them go. My job, I give it to you. My daughters, I give them to you. Every situation that seems so impossible... I lay them at your feet. And it's then that he whispers.

Your future is secure.

Marie Mixner...a true inspiration

I just got back from attending the funeral of our pastor's grandmother, Marie Mixner. Marie was 94 years old  and although I just got to know her the last few years when she and her husband Albert moved to Nebraska, she has made a lasting impression on me.

Rewind to Mother's Day several years ago. A young woman in our church decided to put on a big event for Mother's Day, complete with a meal, a program, a video... it was a wonderful event! I was standing by Marie's table when she looked up at me and said, "Tracy, I'll bet you had something to do with planning this!" I quickly told her, "No, it was Sara... she planned the whole thing. I'm getting old and tired... time to let the younger girls do this stuff." She looked me straight in the eye and said, "What??!! Old and tired?? I was TWICE your age before I started slowing down!"

Keep in mind, I was probably 42 when I said that. But I realized it was true. She did stay active and serve well into her 80's. The other night Dan told me how Albert was still climbing up on the roof of their old church to fix things when he was in his 80's. The church had to MAKE him stop climbing up there! And that is the life of servanthood that Albert and Marie Mixner led.

They are an inspiration to Leonard and I. That's the kind of people we want to be... eager to serve, LOVING to serve. Never wanting to stop.

I don't think I'll ever be able to utter the words "I'm old and tired" again. I will follow Marie Mixner's example, as she followed Christ's.

Faith - Day 3

The very day we found out Aaron's mom was denied for coming to the States for the wedding, Rachel found a quote (by Anne Lamott) on her facebook page that said when God is going to do something wonderful, He always starts with a hardship and when He's going to do something amazing, He starts with an impossibility.

Great timing? An encouragement from God to trust that he's going to do something amazing? I know it's possible it wasn't meant to have anything to do with our situation. And yet, in my heart of hearts it gives me hope. Yes, God can take an impossibility and turn it in to something amazing. I've seen him do it.

The other night I told my friend, Terri, that I know God does amazing things, because I HAVE SEEN many of them. Her reply? "God always does amazing things. We just think it's particularly great when they line up with what we want."

hmmmmm. That is certainly true. We tend to think things are especially amazing when we get what we want. But for me, I think it goes even deeper than that. I want to KNOW God. I want to really know him, and I want to believe all the things he wants me to believe. And when a situation like this arises where it has to do so much with relationship, everything I know about him tells me that surely he wants this as much as we do.

So then if he doesn't make a way for her to be here... if it doesn't happen... it's not so much about whether he does amazing things. I still know he does. The question that will keep me up at night is "Do I even know him?" When everything I think to be true turns out to be wrong... it makes me wonder if this relationship that I think is so very close is in fact lacking. He knows everything about me, but after all this time do I still not know him like I thought I did? That is the underlying fear.

Surely we spend our whole lives getting to know God, and still we only scratch the surface because there is more depth to him than is humanly possible to imagine. But the parts that I've seen, the love that I've known, the heart that has drawn us to him and to each other... I can't imagine that he wouldn't want to make a way for Aaron and his mom to finally be together on this special day. I can't imagine his heart would not be for the son who desperately wants to see his mom. Even Oprah, in all her limited humanness, would want that.

So my quest for faith has become this. A quest to know if I know God. A quest for him to show me more of himself, and to show me what to believe. My desire is to know you, Lord. Reveal yourself, reveal your heart, reveal your love.

I can't bring myself to believe this is the final word on the situation with Aaron's mom. I'm holding out for the amazing things that God will do.

Faith - Day 2

Here I am in day 2 of trying to make peace with the fact that God didn't do things the way I expected him to. Honestly, I don't know why I even have a problem with it. There have been so many times that I've wound up being SO GLAD he did things differently.

But then there are those nagging times that I haven't been glad at all. Like with Doug & Jean laying in bed with their MS... in pain... day after day after day. I can't understand why he hasn't healed them from this horrible disease. What if this is one of those times?

I've already gone through the whole gamut of thinking of all the reasonable explanations for why he may have kept Aaron's mom from coming. Maybe the plane she would have taken was going to crash...etc., etc.

But most of all, I keep hoping that even though the situation looks more difficult than ever, he will still make a way. I daydream about the look on Aaron's face when he sees his mom for the first time in 6 years. And the joy on her face as she embraces the most adorable grandchildren in all the world. I just want her to be here. And God is all about relationships... so I can't help but believe he wants her here, too.

So that's how I will continue to pray and hope and believe. Somehow he will make a way. Somehow she will get here and it will be an amazing and wonderful reunion. For everything I know about his heart, I can't imagine that he wouldn't be as happy as we would be to see this happen.

Lord, I pray that you would do what you do best. The impossible.

Faith--the general, non-specific kind

Days like today make me wonder how deep my faith really is. Is there any depth or meaning to it at all? Or is it a very generic sort of faith? Let me back up a little bit.

I have no trouble having faith in God. I have faith that he will always be there for us. Faith that no matter what happens, good or bad, he will walk through it with us and we will be okay. I have faith that he knows what he is doing and we need to just let him do it. But that kind of blows to pieces my faith in the power of prayer.

Rachel & Aaron are getting married on December 5th. Aaron has not seen his mom since he was 16 years old. Because it would mean SO MUCH to Aaron to have his mom at the wedding, and to have her see her only grandchildren for the very first time, we spent the last few months lining up everything she would need to be able to get here for the big event.

There was a big obstacle to overcome in that Aaron's aunt on his dad's side (through a complex set of circumstances) had the deed to Aaron's mom's house. This is one of the things she really needed before she went to her meeting to see if she could come, because the big issue is if she is financially stable enough that they believe she won't just try to stay here. Amazingly, when Aaron's mom went to her to offer to somehow buy back the deed to the house, her heart softened and she just let her have it, free and clear.

Rachel's eyes were full of light as she confidently told Aaron that she believed God softened his aunt's heart, that no one else could have done that. She told him she knew at that point that God would make a way for his mom to be at the wedding. She had total faith that God would come through.

Up until today when Aaron's mom had the meeting and they denied her request to come. They consider her a flight risk because she doesn't have a lot of money. Rachel called me, crying. She knew how much Aaron wanted his mom to be here.

I assured Rachel that it's not over until it's over. They said she could get a lawyer and still try to come, so I said that's what we'll do. We'll get a lawyer. But I was so disappointed. I hate to put this in print, but I was disappointed in God. I know he will always take care of us. I know we will all be okay. But this meant so much to Aaron and Rachel, and they were counting on him to soften the hearts that needed to be softened, and to make a way where there was no way. I know God is not some genie in a bottle that just does whatever we want him to do. But Aaron & Rachel are young and just learning to put their trust in him. I thought he'd throw them a bone.

I know that sounds like I think God is mean... I really don't. I know he is a loving and kind God. I'm just struggling with some major disappointment here. My hope is that if we continue to pray and put our trust in him, he will still make a way for her to be here. But I'm afraid to tell Rachel and Aaron to trust that he will make a way.... just in case he doesn't. Because we all know he doesn't always do what we want him to do.

And this is where my dilemma is. I'm fine with just letting God do whatever he thinks is right. I trust that he is well-informed and knows the right thing to do. But where does prayer come into this? I don't even like the whole concept of having faith when we pray because then when it doesn't happen, it makes me question WHY we are supposed to have faith when we pray.

I wind up going back to my comfy place of having faith that God knows what he's doing and I need to trust him. But is that making excuses for God?? Is that my way of saying God is not moved by our prayers and we just need to be okay with that? I believe I serve a God who is big enough that he doesn't need us to make excuses for him when he doesn't come through. He is the God of the universe and he knows the best thing to do at all times.

....................but what do I tell Rachel and Aaron?
That is my question for God.

I'll keep you posted.