A Constant State of Wiggage

Have you ever heard the term "wigging out"? For some reason Leonard uses that term a lot around me. And, unfortunately, he's justified in doing so.

Today I happened to be sitting with some of my family members and Dan (our pastor) in a waiting room that was a heartbeat away from a very important meeting. This meeting was to be the beginning point for some major changes in our lives. And there I sat, flip-flopping back and forth between total trust in God and a total state of wiggage. When I say total, I do mean total. I was completely one, then completely the other. No middle ground here. And such is my life.

When I mentioned to the others in the room how I kept going back and forth between faith in God and panicking that nothing was going to work out right, Dan did his best to encourage me that everyone struggles with that. In fact I think what he said was I'm no different than anyone else.

And that's when I had to confess that maybe I'm a little more different than he thinks. And not in a good way. You see, I'm in a constant state of wiggage. Not necessarily that I'm actively wigging at all times, but it's always right there... ready to surface whenever the great unknown tips the scale a little too much. Sure, I can tell you all about how peaceful your life is when you put your faith in God. And really... truly... my faith IS in God. But I have to fight in a really big way to keep it there. It seems to be a part of my DNA to fear everything falling apart. Losing everything. Being left alone and afraid. I think the first couple of decades of my life were spent feeling alone and afraid. And although everything has completely changed since then... that was the beginning, so it seems like that is who I really am. Have you ever felt that way? Like you fought really hard to get away from who you really are, and if you let your guard down... even for a second... you'll find yourself right back there? Probably not. That's why I think I'm not really like everyone else.

God changed everything for me. He is truly my knight in shining armor. He makes me feel secure, loved, valuable... the list goes on and on. And when I set my mind on Him, I feel His peace. I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, He is with us and everything will be okay. He has always been faithful. He's always been kind and loving. He's always come through, even when it looked impossible.

So I guess that's the key to it all. When the unknown throws me into total wiggage and those old feelings of being alone and afraid start to surface, I remind myself there really is no unknown. He knows. And all I need to think about is what I do know about Him.