And This is Life . . .

There really doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes life goes really well, and other times it's just really hard. Some people would say God is rewarding or punishing you, depending on how things are going, but I've never really bought into that thinking. (There are entirely too many holes in that theory.)

Of course, I'm not talking about the consequences we have from things we've done. The cause and effect stuff is pretty self-explanatory. I'm talking about the stuff that is out of our control.... we've done the best we can and things just either go well for us or they don't.

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

That verse brings me such incredible comfort, peace, and even hope as I go through the ups and downs of life. Let's face it, we live in a very imperfect world. If bad things aren't happening to us, they are certainly happening to someone we know. And we can say the same thing about the good things... if things aren't going well for us, they're going well for someone! But I think we do ourselves a great disservice when we start making comparisons. What am I doing wrong that things aren't going as well for me as they are for them?

You may not be doing anything wrong. It's all part of living life. The older I get the more I think we put entirely too much weight on "how things are going". Now certainly I don't hope for things to go badly, but if they do I KNOW that God will cause something good to come of it. One way or another He will use it to shape me a little more into the person I was always meant to be.

You see, I'm a work in progress. I remember the younger years when it seemed so important to know a lot . . . or at least to appear to know a lot. I don't live under that kind of pressure anymore. Somewhere along the way, I came to love the journey. I love the ups and the downs, and I love the fact that there are so many things I don't know yet. What fun would it be if there were nothing else to discover? And while I would be lying if I said the down times weren't hard for me (they are), at the same time there's an incredible anticipation for what God is going to show me in all of it. Have you ever been down-trodden and excited at the same time? For my personality type, it's the emotional equivalent of parachuting out of an airplane (which I've always wanted to do, by the way.) All the way down you must be asking yourself how the good could be so bad and the bad could be so good!

When I was going through the most difficult time of my life, God spoke something to my heart that has stuck with me through all these years. All my prayers were basically begging God to get me through that time. Or, more accurately, past it. I just wanted to get out of that place, out of that depression. One night, as I was crying out to God, He comforted me with something that I would never have thought would comfort me. He said, "Don't spend so much time hoping for the day things are different that you miss out on what I am showing you today." After that, I started paying more attention. And during the months that followed, I learned more about God, His love, His faithfulness, and His strength than I had ever learned before or since. Those months solidified our relationship. Now I KNOW that no matter what turn life takes, He will be with me. I KNOW there is nothing I could ever do or say that would cause Him to give up on me. I KNOW his love is deeper and stronger than any of us could even begin to imagine. And I KNOW nothing could ever, ever, ever diminish the love I feel for Him.

And those are really great things to know.

My Favorite Reader

There aren't very many people who read my blog. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't told many people about it. I write because I love to write, and I'm afraid it would be too much pressure if people were reading and critiquing it. But I do have one faithful reader I know about that comments regularly. Why are there so many entries that say 0 comments, you ask? Because he comes into my office and tells me his comments face-to-face.

It's nice when your #1 fan is your husband. He either loves everything I write, or he does a great job of faking it. He always tells me which parts really mean something to him, and he tells me he reads them through really slowly...twice... so he doesn't miss anything. He checks my blog every day, and encourages me to write if I skip very many. His encouragement is of the kind that inspires me to do great things. And it doesn't stop with my blog.

Leonard and I have been working together since October 1st, and being in the office has never been such a joy. The weight that I felt I carried before is simply not heavy anymore. I have the same tasks, the same goals, the same deadlines that I had in September. It's just so much easier to carry them now that he's with me. His presence just has a calming effect on me. We pray together in my office every morning before we start the day, and it reminds us that everything we do is wrapped up in God. We want to do what He wants us to do. And we want to do it together.

I guess I just wanted this one entry to pay tribute to the man that God put in my life, the man that spurs me on. God has blessed me far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of or hoped for when He gave me Leonard. And I wouldn't want to live my life any other way.

And Leonard, I hope you read this through slowly . . . . twice.

Giving Up Control

Sometimes I love the freedom that has come with knowing Christ and no longer needing to control everything.

Other times this sense of being out-of-control makes me feel anxious, fearful, even helpless. There are things that I want to work out. Not just for me, but for others. There are things people need, and sometimes I try to help them and find that there's NOTHING I can do. And my first thought is . . . this can't be right. There's GOT to be SOMETHING I can do. There must be another angle, a back door, SOMETHING. I can't just sit and do nothing. I HAVE to find a way to make this work out.

And I try. I try every angle I can think of. I make phone calls, I pool resources, and I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray. God, help me. I can't figure out what to do. Show me, Lord. Show me what to do.

I'm not very good at recognizing His voice when He says "Do nothing". Do nothing. Certainly that can't be the answer. No one's problems are resolved that way. And worst of all . . . I can't see how it's going to work out. What if it never works out? What if it all falls apart?

I'm sure it would border on blasphemous if I said I wanted to control God. And certainly that would never be my intent. But, honestly . . . do I want to control God? There are times I would love to be able to move His hand. People who desperately need healing, children who may lose their fathers, people whose entire futures are on the line . . . God, we need to fix this. He MUST know we need to fix this.

We. That's interesting. Does God really need my help in running the universe? Why is it, really, that I need to do something? Why can't I pray and let it go? And once again, the ugly truth sneers at me. I don't really trust Him.

God knows I WANT to trust Him. I want to give everything to Him. I want to be able to lay my petitions at His feet and know that they are in the capable hands of our loving Father. I want to know Him so well, that I know He will take care of everything. And that even if He doesn't do what I think He should . . . everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay. Those are the words He speaks to my heart, and yet it only brings tears. What happens, God, if she loses her father? What happens if they have to suffer for the rest of their lives? What happens . . . . what happens?

And He says, "Trust Me. Everything will be okay. You still don't understand. It's bigger than all of this. It's much, much bigger than all of this."

And all I can do is cry. I know You're right. I know I see such a small piece of it all. But the pieces I see are breaking my heart. Help me to trust You. Help me to know You more. Help me to willingly lay down the control and believe in the power of Your love. I don't know what to do. But You know. You know and You care. You can see the whole picture, and You love all of these people more than I do.

They are much safer with You than they are with me.

Old is IN

Am I the only woman on the earth who is enjoying growing old?

There are so many women that are sensitive about their ages, wanting to look younger than they really are.... it seems to be the norm. But here I am 45 and aging, and loving every minute of it! I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy seeing the new wrinkles and laugh lines . . . they tell a story of the life I've lived. (But I must say, I don't think I'll EVER like gray hair. Not because of growing old, but because I just think it looks icky. Wirey, dead hair. Ick.)

I'm not totally sure why I enjoy growing old so much, but I guess I've got a few ideas. First of all, I had my fill of looking young. I didn't actually start looking my age until I was in my mid-thirties. People would tell me they had no idea I was as old as I was. And honestly, what I heard when they said that was they considered me immature. Couple that with the fact that I actually WAS immature, and it made it kind of a sensitive topic.

Secondly, I was bounce-off-the-wall emotional in my younger years. And along with that tumultuous emotional state, I was irresponsible, manipulative, and controlling of everyone EXCEPT myself. The peace and the calm that has come with age is a very welcome change.

Third, and most importantly, I want to be my grandma. She was the most patient, kind, loving, understanding, and long-suffering person I ever met. The moment Ellie was born, something changed inside of me. Suddenly all I wanted was to be to her what my grandma was to me. Grandma never cared how many wrinkles she had. She never tried to look young. When you saw her, you saw what was on the inside. She lived her life not for herself, but for us . . . she made a profound difference in my life. I would be so proud for people to look at me and see my Grandma, wrinkles and all.

Finally, growing old is normal. It's not just happening to me . . . I'm not the odd one out. This is how it works. It happens to everyone. The odd thing would be for someone to look 21 their whole life. Growing old, passing through all the stages of life -- it's just more of the adventure! God gave us so much to experience in this lifetime . . . and I want to live it all.

So I guess for all those reasons together, I am really enjoying my older years. I've always thought I would really shine as a Grandma, and now I'm in the moment of truth! I'm not responsible for Ellie's upbringing . . . I'm free to enjoy every minute!

And if she remembers me as that old, wrinkly grandma that she loved cuddling on the couch with, I'll just be one happy woman.

Growing into Who You Are

When we picked our dog, Kairo, out of a litter of 12 puppies, he was the cutest little ball of fluff you could ever imagine. Today Kairo is over 100 lbs and still thinking he's a lapdog. He definitely went through some major changes over the course of just a few months, and I remember having all kinds of conflicting feelings as it happened.

He was so soft and cuddly as a puppy, and I found myself not wanting him to outgrow that. Then, when he got a little bigger, one of his floppy little ears boinged straight up in the air. He looked ridiculous, but even so I was secretly hoping that his other little ear would stay floppy. (He's a dog... he wouldn't know he looked ridiculous!) Alas, a month or so later, the other one was pointing straight up, too. And until he grew into those gigantic ears, he actually looked a bit like a donkey.

Looking back, I realize that because I was grieving the loss of my cute little puppy, I was totally missing an astounding transformation that was taking place right before my very eyes. Over the course of a year's time, Kairo became what others have referred to as a "magnificent beast". People literally stop us on the street, sometimes pulling over in their cars, to tell us what a regal looking dog he is!

And you know what? It's true! Kairo really is an amazing, kingly-looking dog. He is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Malamute, with a little bit of wolf mixed in there somewhere and he somehow got on the receiving end of an incredible mix of all those attributes. We can hardly remember the little puppy we brought home, because we had him such a short time. But this incredibly handsome beast we have now? He's got our hearts!

Now, missing the transformation of a dog is one thing, but how many times have I missed the transformation God is doing in the lives of people? Does it seem like we are sometimes inclined to put people in a box and want them to stay there? We aren't always comfortable with change, especially during the "awkward stages".

I remember a friend of mine that had some struggles in a certain area of her life. She had struggled with these issues for as long as we had known her. We prayed for her, we counseled with her, we tried to be good friends to her. But the truth is, we got so used to the fact that that's the way she was, that we totally missed it when she grew out of it. God had really done some things in her heart . . . some real healing had taken place. And we were still treating her like the "needy one" when she was more than ready to be reaching out to others.

Other times, it seems we purposely try to keep people in their place. We know you, we know your struggles, we know all your shortcomings so we're going to put limits on what you can do. Now, certainly we need to be aware of where people are at any given time. We can't have them ministering in areas they probably shouldn't be. But my point is, it's never a done-deal. We need to keep our eyes open for the transformations! And even more, we need to keep our ears and hearts open to God in case He wants us to be a part of it!

Putting people in a box and leaving them there is like writing them off. This is who you are, and this is where you belong. It's certainly the easiest thing to do, but I don't think it would fall under the category of laying your life down for your brethren. If people are satisfied with what they are doing and feel that they are fulfilling their purposes for God, then by all means rejoice with them that they've found their place! But if we see that they want to be more, that they are longing to grow, that they are longing for change in their lives, then we need to be seeking God to see if there is a way we can help!

There may be times that we would rather things stay as they are. There may even be times that we LIKE people better the way they are. Maybe we don't WANT their ears to boing up. But God knows what He's doing in the lives of His people. And if we're serious about building the church, this is what it's all about. Building people.

Keep your eyes open for the transformations . . . and join in wherever you can. When all is said and done, you may be amazed at how regal they look!

The Heart of a Giver

There sure are a lot of teachings on giving . . . how to give, why to give, how much to give. It's just human nature to try to come up with a formula. And in the old testament, God obliged them. He gave them rules about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!! (I don't see how anyone could have even remembered all the rules, much less obeyed them.) Then came the new covenent. And suddenly it wasn't about all the rules anymore, it was about the heart.

If I were going to do a teaching on giving, this is what it would be:

First and foremost, talk to God. Do whatever He puts in your heart to do, and do it gladly. Don't measure it against anyone or anything else. Just gladly do what He asks you to do.
Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:17

If you do what you do out of love for God and out of love for His people, you're going to be on the right track.

Even if you make a wrong decision, if your heart is right, God will still be pleased. Mistakes will be made no matter how hard we try. But He knows how to help us make adjustments, and we should have every confidence that He'll get us where we need to be.

Be as happy when your resources cause things to go well for others as you would be if you used them for yourself! Understand that what you do for others, you are doing for God!

Learn to put others first. If someone has a need and you can help, then help!! Whether it's with money, or whether it's putting your plans on hold to go help them move a couch, do what you can do! Of course, it's important to remember you can't help EVERYONE! That's why you should not act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what God wants you to do. You're no good to anyone if you burn out.

Trust God. Trust that He will take care of you no matter what. If He asks you to do something that seems big, don't think twice about it! Just do it! He will take care of you. And if He asks you to do less than someone else, just do it. Don't feel guilty or condemned. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing, and He understands the big picture far more than any of us ever will.

And finally, just live generously! You can't give what you don't have, but be generous with what you do have! If your piggy bank is empty and you have nothing but encouragement to give, then give it generously!! Maybe your part to play is to spur others on who CAN give money! Do you know how many people there are who have a harder time giving TIME than MONEY? Some people would much rather just write a check than give up an evening at home. Don't assume if time is all you have to give, that you aren't generous.

Play your part and play it generously! Give what He has put in your heart to give . . . share it with others!

. . . . . . And let your heart rejoice, knowing you've done what God has asked you to do!

A Matter of the Heart

Ellie the Ladybug

I consider myself to be very devoted to God; any time I think of Him, it warms my heart. I have this incredible sense of how much He loves us. I'm deeply aware of what He has done for our family, and I am so grateful that He has chosen to show us His mercy, His grace, and His compassion. I know we have done nothing to deserve all this love that He has poured out to us, and it means so much to me that He would be willing to give so much of Himself to us. I'm totally in love with Him!

I guess that is why it is so baffling to me when people start debating all the "do's and don'ts".

The thing that made me think of this now is that Halloween was last night. Now, Leonard and I have been born-again Christians since 1983. Our oldest daughter was born in 1985, and our second daughter was born in 1988. In all that time, we always dressed our daughters up for Halloween and let them go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. I remember in the early days taking some flack for that from other Christian people....why would we celebrate the devil's day??

We could never understand how people could think we would ever celebrate the devil. We wouldn't. We couldn't. Not after all that God had done for us. We were just letting our girls dress up and go around to the neighbors getting candy. We especially loved going to the older people's houses... they so enjoyed seeing all the costumes and getting to hand out treats to the always-grateful little children! I look back very fondly at those memories, and consider it a very heartwarming tradition. I know there are probably people who think we are unwittingly opening ourselves up to something, and the devil will surely gain a foothold in our lives because we took our children out trick-or-treating. I just don't believe it. Our hearts belong to God. And I believe this, as with everything else, is a matter of the heart. God looks at our hearts, and I pray that He will always see our hearts are wholly for Him.

It's not just Halloween. These debates take many forms. I've heard the same sort of debates going on about playing cards, dancing, watching movies, drinking alcohol, etc., etc. Leonard hates playing cards, but I love to play! We both love to dance. And we watch all kinds of movies . . . some that others probably wouldn't watch. But there are certainly others we won't watch that maybe others would. When Leonard and I first got saved, we quit drinking altogether because we had just come out of a life of drinking in excess... OFTEN. But later in life we found that we could have a drink or two without ever being tempted to "over-indulge". That heart just wasn't in us anymore.

This isn't about seeing how much we can get away with. I can't speak for anyone else, but for Leonard and I, our lives are about living wholly for God. We want to show our love to Him, and we want to pour out the love He's given us to others. And if there's anything that makes us feel uncomfortable or that we feel could come between us and God, you can bet we will steer clear of it. I don't think we could ever be the type of people that follow a bunch of rules other people make whether they make sense to us or not. Our measuring stick is always Him. Do we always make the right decisions? Certainly not. But we trust that He will lead us in the way we should go. We know when He is speaking to our hearts. And we know the importance of listening when we hear it. He knows us better than anyone else ever could. So if God tells us to walk away from something, we walk away.

I guess the difference is, we don't expect everyone else should have to walk away with us.