Strengthened by words

Dying to Self

2012-01-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

As is often the case, the way things work in God's kingdom are quite contrary to how things work in the world.

Dying to self.... it doesn't sound as if it could possibly be a good thing. It sounds as if you have to cease to exist... or at the very least have a miserable existence because, frankly, you don't get to matter anymore.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

In the realm of the Spirit, dying to self is the very path to real life. If you find yourself in a place where you are miserable, maybe feeling hurt all the time, maybe feeling like you don't matter... chances are you haven't learned of the freedom that comes from dying to self.

We all have dreams, desires, hopes for our lives. But I have this theory that it's really not about the dream itself... it's about how we think we will FEEL after the dream comes true. Everything we hope for, everything we desire... it's all tied to the belief that if we get what we are wanting we will feel happy, satisfied, completely content with life. It's that feeling we are really longing for. We want to FEEL better.

But the truth is, as long as we are focused on ourselves and what we want, we can never truly be happy. God created us to love and trust Him. And because we love and trust Him, we LET GO of ourselves and spend our lives loving and helping others. If we really, truly love and trust God, we can tell Him, "These are the things I really feel like I want in my life. But I know I am only working with part of the information, and You are working with ALL of the information. I know and understand that you know me better than I even know myself. So I want to lay these dreams at your feet and trust you to lead me on the right path. I want to live out your will for my life, whether it's easy or hard. I want to live the life YOU want me to live."

The big question in all of this is do we really believe we can trust Him with our lives? It's easy to say yes. It's much harder to believe it... and to live it. Is it possible that deep down we have a gnawing feeling that he doesn't care about us as much as we do?

Again, nothing could be farther from the truth. He knows us. He loves us. We can trust Him with our lives. There is no better place we could possibly be. There is such a peace that comes from knowing and trusting He will lead us down the path He has for us. And as we travel that path with Him, He will use absolutely everything that comes our way, both good and bad, to help us grow and mature and be closer to Him than we were before. We can relax... and live.

And once we know our lives are secure in Him, we find we no longer have to worry about finding happiness for ourselves. The pressure is gone. We are free to focus on others, helping them to succeed, putting their needs ahead of our own.

If you have never really gotten to the place before where you were able to lay down all your hopes & dreams, as well as your pain and suffering... I highly encourage you to take the step. It's such a freeing experience. A good test of where you are at? Are you miserable? worried? hurt? anxious? Chances are, your focus is on yourself. Turn your focus to Him and lay it all down. Choose to trust Him with your future. Choose to believe He knows what He is doing and let go. Determine in your heart that it no longer matters what you want. It only matters what He wants. Commit yourself to living the life He wants you to live. It's what Christianity is all about.

And one day, you're going to sit down after a long day and think, "Hey... when did I get so happy?"

What does it take to shake my faith these days?

2011-11-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

I am really fortunate in that I have felt tremendously close to and in-touch with God these past few months. I feel like He has been revealing amazing things to me in the area of fully trusting Him. I feel like He has been drawing me closer and closer to Him. And I feel like I am more aware of His Spirit than ever before. It has been a really awesome time of growth for me and I feel stronger in my faith than ever before.

So what does it take to shake that faith? Not as much as you may think.

I've told the roof story... $17,000+ later, we walked through that trial with our faith intact. And we've had a couple of similar big events (nothing to do with $, but still requiring great faith) that He led us in trusting Him through from start to finish. Amazing stories of His faithfulness that we will never forget. Those experiences will affect our lives forever.

But today? Today I'm dealing with things that really shake my faith. Broken Christmas decorations (why don't we take the time to pack them better??), lost Christmas stockings (that we just bought 3 weeks ago... who loses stuff that fast??), dog poo on the floor (Thanks, Mumford.), a few unkind words spoken to me, and thus a whole attitude of, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!"

I could feel myself getting more and more upset on the inside as the incidents continued to pile one on top of another, so I retreated to my room to try to stop the madness, maybe gain some perspective. And as I sat here, feeling like my very world was crumbling around me... perspective is exactly what I gained.

I could believe that God was on His throne and fully in control when faced with how we were going to pay for a $17,000 roof, but when I lost our Christmas stockings (total value... $12 plus tax) then suddenly He's fallen off His throne and Satan is running rampant in my life??!! The Christmas decorations can be glued... or even thrown out. It will not change the meaning of what Jesus has done for me. There will be times unkind words are spoken, both to me and unfortunately by me, for as long as I live on this earth. And I will have to work through the relationships in order to make them stronger rather than letting them be destroyed. It's what He's called us to do, and it actually helps us grow every time we work through one of those situations. Pretty sure He's still on His throne for all of that.

As I sat here pondering all of this it made me wonder how all this little stuff can wreak such havoc in my life. Will there be a certain age I hit when I can face one little thing after another all the day long with a smile, knowing that none of it really changes our quality of life? And, more importantly, none of it affects how close we are to God. Is there a certain level of faith I will reach when I will not only be able to trust Him to get our family through a devastating separation in which we are stuck in two different countries, but I will ALSO be able to trust Him to get us through the devastation of broken Christmas ornaments? It was sad for me to even type that question. Sad that I let this little stuff take such a big place in my life.

So, I know it's not time for New Year's Resolutions, but it's the season we celebrate the greatest miracle of all time, so I'm going to take the opportunity to publicly repent and trust God to help me walk a different road going forward. I want to be quick to stop and re-evaluate when I sense I am losing my joy. I want to always be mindful that I walk closely with Him, that He is powerful, loving, and kind, and that He is always paying attention. I want to be confident that I can take every situation to Him and He will listen, and guide me, and help me to grow through it. Yes, even if we lose our Christmas stockings that are only three weeks old.

What a woman of faith I will be.

What Does God Think About _______?? (fill in the blank)

2011-09-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have found over the years that a lot of people try to understand the Christian faith by asking Christians where they stand on issues. This baffles me, because although the issues may indeed be an issue, they lean toward the non-issue side for me. Have I lost you yet?

Before you get the idea that I am an anything-goes, there's no such thing as right or wrong sort of person, let me explain. People ask me what I think God thinks about issues ranging from homosexuality to whether women should be allowed to speak in church. And believe me when I tell you there are a plethora of issues in between. I haven't always been as firm as I am now on my belief, but since this is my blog, I would like to use this platform to be very clear on where I stand now.

If you want to know what God thinks about an issue, ask Him.

There are a lot of reasons for this strongly held belief of mine, the most obvious of which is..... I'm not God. I try to follow God with all of my heart. I study His word, and I love when He speaks directly to my heart. But it doesn't mean I know everything. He's got the corner on that market. My opinion is, for lack of a better description, a crap shoot. It may be true. It may be somewhat true, limited by my understanding up to that point. It may be true for me, but not for you. (If you read your Bible you will know this can happen) OR I could just be wrong. That sucks, but unfortunately, after 28 years of walking closely with God, I'm still wrong more than I'd like to admit in this blog. (But if you really want to know, ask my daughters... I think they keep a running tally)

Another important reason that I hold to that belief is that even if I'm right about what God thinks, it won't mean anything to you unless you have taken the time to talk to Him yourself. Why would His opinion even matter to you if you haven't really gotten know Him? How could anything He thinks impact your life if you don't realize how deeply He loves you? The reason I follow after Him, and the reason I care what He thinks, is that my relationship with Him has deeply impacted my life. He has changed everything for me. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

So, some of my more zealous Christian friends may ask, "How are you supposed to be the light of the world if you don't speak up? We are supposed to be the light of the world!"

Well, setting aside the fact that I don't believe condemnation lights up the world, and also setting aside the fact that every Christian has a list of the things the Bible is clear on that still apply today as well as a list of things the Bible is clear on that do not still apply today (and those lists often don't match), I have not said I won't speak up. There are plenty of things I will speak up about.

Do you want to know how deep and how amazing God's love for you is? I may not be able to express it fully, but there's nothing I'd love more than to try! I have stories, lots of wonderful stories, of ways He has touched my life. I can tell you how he rescued me at times I didn't deserve to be rescued. I can tell you how He showed Himself to me at times when I desperately needed to know He was there. I can tell you how, at a time when I felt completely alone in this world, He showed me that I would never, ever, ever be alone... because He wasn't going anywhere.

Do you want to know the lengths God would go to just so you have a way to be near Him? I can tell you about that. Do you want to know about how He listens when you talk to Him? How He lays out a path that's just for you and then leads you along that path, patiently and lovingly bringing you back even when you get sidetracked? Do you want to know how He can take even the worst of situations and use it for your good? I have stories I can share about ALL of those things!

It's not that I don't believe you need answers to the other questions. You do. But you need to hear it from Him, and I strongly encourage you to ask Him. He is not hiding Himself from you. In fact, He is always pursuing you. He loves you. He wants you to come to Him and ask.

And the most important thing about Him answering your questions instead of me? When He answers you, it will change your life forever.

I should have known.

2011-09-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are on the edge of your seats wondering whatever became of our "roof" situation, here is an update.

Just to get everyone up to speed, about three months ago we received a letter from our insurance company informing us they were going to have someone do an "outdoor visual inspection" to see if there were any issues with our house that would cause them to decide to discontinue our coverage. My heart immediately began racing because I knew they would say we needed a new roof. We had checked into a new roof, but came to find out it was going to cost $10,000+ to redo it because of the height and because we have asbestos shingles.

Needless to say, that project quickly went to the back of line. That is, until we received the letter.

I didn't know what we would do. We HAVE to have insurance, but we didn't have $10,000 to fix our roof. So, we did what we always do..... we prayed. Now, some people pray for God to work everything out just the way they want it to work out. But we learned a LONG time ago, that's not the wisest prayer. We learned that we are working with very limited information, while He is working with the COMPLETE picture. We prayed for everything to work out the way HE wanted it to work out, and determined in our hearts to trust Him in whatever He decided.

You see, we have found over the course of our lives that God really does take care of us. He always has. Our lives are not always easy. Everything isn't always smooth-sailing. But He is always with us. He always takes care of us. And when we have to face tough things, He always sees us through and teaches us valuable lessons along the way. So when we prayed for everything to work out the way He wanted it to work out, we prayed knowing we were in the best hands we could possibly be in.

Well, the insurance guy came and guess what? He said we needed a new roof, and we got a letter saying they were going to discontinue our insurance. Our insurance agent called us and said if we could get it fixed before October (when our insurance expires) they would continue coverage. We decided to file an insurance claim and see what happened. We can't really see that high, but we hoped maybe they would find some hail damage and cover at least a portion of the roof. At this point, anything would help.

Yesterday some guys came out to make the decision. I found my heart being anxious, so Leonard and I sat down to pray again. We told God it didn't matter to us what kind of numbers this guy came back to us with because our trust was in Him, not them. We have entrusted our lives to Him, not the insurance company. And we decided a long time ago that no matter what this world throws at us, we would live with grateful hearts because we serve a God who deeply loves us, and that's all that really matters. What we have or don't have in this world is not the most important thing.

The guy finally knocked on the door and came in to discuss his findings. There was a little bit of hail damage on our roof. But because they no longer make asbestos shingles, the insurance company is going to cover replacing the entire roof. They will be paying for ALMOST ALL OF IT! More than we ever dared hope for or dream of. My heart was flooded with gratitude.

About 3 months ago, we were informed the insurance company would be doing a visual inspection and I thought it was terrible, terrible news. But if they hadn't done that, we would have never discovered the insurance company would pay for replacing our roof. We wouldn't have known, we wouldn't have asked. We would have just struggled to try to find a way to pay for it ourselves.

Once again, God drove the point home. We are working with so little information. What seems like the worst possible situation can be the beginning of the best thing that could happen. Trust. Trust that He knows what He is doing. Trust that He loves you. Trust that He will see you through, whether it's easy or it's hard. Certainly we are grateful the insurance company is covering our roof. But we know in our hearts if it had gone the other way, He still would have made a way. We still would have trusted Him to see us through, because that's what He does. He is a kind and loving and merciful God.

And He makes it so easy to live with a grateful heart.

Putting this world in its place

2011-08-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

It often feels like this world has a lot more control over me than I would like it to. Of course, it will always have some measure of control, i.e. I have to work, pay taxes, etc. But it should NOT have the power to control how I feel and who I am on the inside. Even with paying taxes... I have to do it, but I don't have to lose my joy over it.

There are so many different things trying to suck me in, what with all the political stuff that's going on, the every day financial stuff, the lure of "things" I think I want.... the Bible calls it the "cares of this world".

I love the moments of clarity...when I realize on such a deep level what is really important. It's almost like I'm swept back into the garden of Eden, walking and talking with God. Just me and him.....

Mark 4:19 But all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things....

When He created the world, life was so simple. A great deal of what we worry about these days didn't even exist. We created it, and WE decided it was important. But the Bible tells us what the world honors is not the same as what God honors. And I find myself being drawn back to God over and over again, longing to dwell on the things HE deems important, and to free myself from this hold the world has on me.

Colossians 3:2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.

1 Corinthians 1:20 So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world's brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish.

1 John 2:15-16 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. Those are not from the Father, but are from this world.

I long to live my life fully aware of the presence of God. Not sometimes aware....FULLY aware. I long to be so close to him that hearing the news that our roof needs to be replaced and it's going to cost $10,000 doesn't throw me for a loop. I want my joy to remain intact, because the world doesn't have access to my joy. The stuff that happens in the world does not need to affect what goes on on the inside of me. Will the roof still need to be replaced? Maybe so, maybe not. But we will get through it. We ALWAYS do. He has ALWAYS made a way for us. Why would he stop now? We have vowed to trust Him with our lives. There was no disclaimer that we would trust Him with everything except the roof.

Matthew 6:33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

We will have everything we need. And we will get through everything the world throws at us. It may not be easy, but one thing I know for sure .... God will remain near us, no matter what. He will teach us important things along the way that have to do with our character, our trust in Him, our love for others.... the things He deems important.

And as for the things of this world? They will have to take their place as a distant second.

Jumping on Bandwagons

2011-07-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have always had an aversion to jumping on bandwagons. Sometimes to a fault, because I think it's entirely possible that even if there was something I actually wanted to be a part of, I might not simply because I don't want to jump on any bandwagons. I think in the Christian world the word bandwagon may be synonymous with 'movement'. At least for the purpose of this posting it is.

There have been three movements/bandwagons that I'm aware of since I became a Christian in 1983. There have probably been more, but these are the three I was affected by, so they are the three I want to cover.

First, we got in on the tail end of the "Faith" movement. In a nutshell, this was a movement that believed if you didn't get what you wanted, it's because you lacked faith. Maybe there were some "sub-movements" incorporated into this....name it/claim it, healing, etc.... but they all could really come under the heading of the faith movement.

The second movement I was exposed to was the "Prophetic/Apostolic" movement. This was the movement that believed you should do whatever the Prophets and Apostles told you to because they were the ones with a direct line to God.

And the latest movement, at least from what I've been reading on the internet, is the "Grace" movement. This movement teaches that since everything was taken care of by Jesus on the cross, there's really nothing else we need to concern ourselves with. We can "coast" into eternity, if you will.

The jury is still out on what I think about Rick Warren. Sometimes I think he is really wise, and other times I think he's gotten a little too caught up in himself. Truth is, I can't really say because I don't know the man. But there was one thing he said on Twitter that I agree with wholeheartedly. He said that most heresy in the church results from focusing on one Bible truth to the exclusion of all the others. I think that is true of all the movements referenced above.

There are four things that I believe these movements have in common.

1. They are all TRUE. But as stated above, they are true to the exclusion of many other truths. We need to look at the whole package.

2. They focus on us instead of God. They are all essentially about what we get out of this thing, not how Holy and Magnificent He is. The Faith movement is obvious.....I can have whatever I want if only I can muster up enough faith. The Prophetic/Apostolic was a little more subtle. We convinced ourselves it was out of sheer love for God that we wanted to hear prophecies about how great we were going to be in the kingdom and what a difference we personally would make. And the Grace movement focuses on the fact that we don't have to do or be or strive for anything.

3. They all accuse you of being a second rate Christian if you don't join in. You are faithless if you don't join the faith movement. You don't really love God and probably aren't even really a Christian if you don't join the Prophetic/Apostolic movement. And you're legalistic if you don't join the Grace movement. They all have the same idea. If you don't join the group, you're a big FAIL.

4. They all take the focus off what is really important. And don't take my word for it.... take Jesus's word for it. What is really important? LOVING GOD AND LOVING EACH OTHER. Laying our lives down for the kingdom. Spurring others on, encouraging them. Living every day in total adoration for the one who created all things. If we are busy trying to get everyone to have more faith, to follow the latest prophecy, or to be sure they're not being legalistic, we are not exerting our energy giving praise to the One who deserves all praise. I want to spend my energy pouring my love out on Him and His people.

I believe God gives us revelation at the times we need it the most. What He is showing me right now is probably not the same thing He is showing you. But I guarantee, in His Kingdom it will all fit together beautifully. He shows each of us what He shows us for a reason....because it's the very thing He wants us to know. And I guess that's why I think there's just really no need for bandwagons.

I believe He has it under control.

The End Times

2011-05-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of talk lately about the end times, and if nothing else it's got me to thinking.

May 21st came and went without incident, and I'll have to admit that's what I was expecting. My reasoning? The verse in the Bible where Jesus says no man knows the day or the hour.

Today I heard the newly predicted date is October 21st. My first thought was, "Here we go again." But then it occurred to me.... it has to happen eventually. Anyone who believes in the Bible knows that the end times will come, we just don't know when. And this morning it even occurred to me that maybe God WOULD tell someone when it's going to be. Maybe when Jesus was speaking, he simply meant that at that time no one knew yet. Wouldn't be the first time we've totally misinterpreted what he said. (People were pretty off about how the whole Messiah thing would play out.) I don't necessarily believe that this guy knows the world is going to end on October 21st. But I also don't believe that I know for certain that it won't.

Today I watched this video someone shot while taking cover in Joplin, MO as a tornado tore apart the building around them. It made a huge impact on me.

tornado

The picture isn't very good, but listening to the people as the tornado ripped through brought tears to my eyes. And that's when it hit me.

The end times come every single day. Some people are expecting it and some aren't, but life in this world ends for them just the same. Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes. Getting hit by a bus when you cross the street. End times.

What difference does it make if the end times come because Jesus has returned, or if people face their end times because of a natural disaster? Should the way we are living be any different, whether Jesus is returning soon or not?

I want to live my life every day in gratitude for what God has done for me, and I want to offer that hope to those who need it the most.

October 21st will be the end times for somebody, even if it's not everybody. I don't want to be a scoffer like the people outside Noah's ark. I want to live every day from now until October 21st and beyond offering hope to people who need hope, never forgetting to be grateful for what He's done.

Because then.... and this is the greatest hope of all...... then the end is just the beginning.

It's all that matters...

2011-05-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel the pressure more than others.
Deadlines, commitments, goals, five-year-plans.
Finances, obligations, responsibility.
It all meshes together, in part defining who I am.
How do I handle these things?
Showing integrity without being consumed.
Being what I need to be without making it who I am.
It all matters.
In one way or another, it matters.
But some of it only in the broadest sense.
Help me keep perspective.
Help me remember the one thing that matters more than anything else.
That in all these things,
    no matter how big or how small,
    no matter how worldly or how spiritual,
    help me to remember....

All that really matters to me
    is that my life glorifies You.

I've made the decision in advance

2011-04-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been going merrily along in your life when all of a sudden WHAM! something blindsides you? Suddenly everything inside of you sinks, you feel lost, alone, maybe afraid, and all you can think is, "What am I going to do?"

I've been there. In fact, something tried to blindside me yesterday. I say "tried" because it was only partially successful. You see, I've learned something in all these years of life I've lived. We can decide ahead of time that we are just going to trust God to walk us through every obstacle we face.

I'll admit, it knocked the wind out of my sail for a couple of hours. In my mind I was thinking, "God, what are we going to do...help us know what to do." But then I remembered that I already knew exactly what to do. I would trust Him. I would trust Him that at the right moment, in the right time He would show us the steps to take. And I remembered that no matter what happens, He is always near us and we have nothing to fear.

I know that's not quite the same as deciding ahead of time to trust in Him, but I'm getting closer and closer to having that be a reality in my life. And once I know....once I really know ahead of time that my trust is in Him no matter what... the blind-siding loses its power over me.

And we get to go on with life knowing that no matter what, everything will be okay in the end. God is with us. He isn't going anywhere. And that's all we need.

The Post I've Been Waiting For....

2011-02-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

This is the post I've been waiting for. For NINE LONG MONTHS. Nine months of praying, hoping, crying, believing, growing.....

and HE'S BACK!!

My son-in-law, Aaron, finally returned to us on Friday night! It was quite an amazing reunion at the airport.

Can't you just see the enthusiasm in Scarlett's face? I think she was ready to go to sleep. But look how Ellie is clinging to her daddy. She was so excited! And she and Ezekiel held hands all the way through the airport.

We had a welcome home party Saturday night at the church and it was GLORIOUS! We thanked God, we thanked the people who have stood with us through all of this, and we CELEBRATED!

Someday I'll share all the wonderful things God taught us all through this trial. But right now I'm going to just bask in the happiness of knowing the trial is behind us.

My family is together again.

A lot has happened.....

2011-02-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have never had a problem expressing myself with the written word......

Until the last few months.

A lot has been going on, both outwardly and inwardly. Usually when I am having intense feelings I immediately start writing, but this year has been different. I've been doing a lot of thinking, often lamenting. In many areas I've been adjusting my thinking. But I haven't done much writing, because for some reason that I can't begin to understand (because it's so totally not like me) it all feels stuck on the inside.

This has been a year when the tragedy of death seemed like it was going to incapacitate us, only to be followed by the elation of one wonderful birth after another. It's been a year of cancer, separation of family, pain, struggling. And at the very same time that a family was grieving so deeply over the death of their young daughter/wife/mother who collapsed on her treadmill only to die a few days later, we got the very best news we could possibly hope to get. Our family would soon be reunited.

We were celebrating our greatest joy....something we had been eagerly waiting months to hear.... at the very same time they were grieving the biggest loss they had ever had. And I think that's when it really hit me. This world will never make sense. We will continue taking turns celebrating and mourning and celebrating again. Terrible, terrible things will happen. But really wonderful things will happen, too. Over and over and over again. People in one part of the world are struggling with how to find something to feed their children so they don't die of starvation. Others are struggling with how to fit a flat-screen tv into their budget. It doesn't make sense.

And I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I don't know what to say. I feel this strong urge to live for something more meaningful. Leonard and I continue to feel it's getting harder and harder to live our comfortable little lives knowing there are so many people out there who are really suffering. I feel like there is some sort of awakening going on in the inside of me, and yet I don't know what I'm waking up to.

I like being able to end my writing with the point. The reason I wrote it.

But I don't know what to say.

My Hope is in You, Lord

2011-01-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

We used to sing a song that went like this:

My life is in you, Lord
My strength is in you, Lord
My hope is in you, Lord
In you, it's in you.

I loved that song. I still do, actually. It's a wonderful reminder of how absolutely everything is wrapped up in Him.

Today I was thinking about this verse:

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. At first I thought I could really relate to that. I've had some pretty high hopes lately that I felt were quite "deferred". But it led to the question....What had I put my hope in? If my hope is really in Him, is it possible for it to be deferred?

No doubt, there are things in this life we would like to see happen. Circumstances we'd like to see changed. Things that would make our lives so much easier. But we can never allow our hope to be in that circumstance. Our hope must remain in Him.

Can we believe that no matter what we see, He is in control and He knows exactly the right thing to do? Can we really believe that? Can we believe that if our hope is in Him, our dreams will be fulfilled beyond our wildest imaginations? Hope is a crucial part of our lives. It leads directly to that tree of life that is promised for dreams fulfilled. There is great anticipation and excitement that comes with hope.

And if we keep our hope in Him....our hope will never be deferred.

Name Dropping

2010-12-14T10:52:00.000-08:00

It seems a little odd to me to be blogging today. It just seems I haven't had much to say lately. I've been in a season of listening and absorbing more than of sharing. But this morning I had a thought, and I wanted to put it out here.

It's fun to have "important" people notice us. Universally, the most important people are thought to be those with fame, power, or money. For instance, Denzel Washington is one of my favorite actors. If he were to stop by my house, give me a call, or even drop me a Christmas card this year, I guarantee you EVERYONE would hear about it. How cool would it be to be able to tell everyone Denzel and I were friends??!!!

It was at this point that I realized....we really don't understand how important God is. Maybe it's because we can't see Him or maybe it's because we sometimes feel like we have trouble hearing from Him. I don't know for sure why. But He is THE KING. He is the most powerful being that exists. He holds every answer to every question in the universe. And He owns ALL of it.

There is no one ANYWHERE more famous than He. And yet, for some reason it doesn't necessarily seem as big of a deal to us that we know Him personally. Most of us, if we're honest, would admit we might just get more excited if we met a movie star.

Why is it I don't go from person to person saying, "You know what?? GOD spoke to me today!!" "You'll never believe who I met PERSONALLY!!! Jesus!"

Would it mean more to me if Brad Pitt said to me, "If there is anything, EVER, that you need...please let me know. I will take care of it." Would that actually be more comforting than God's promise that HE will take care of everything I need?

What is real? What do we believe? Who do we trust? What do we value? The whole world is trying to blind us...to deceive us. God's place is not, and never will be, on the back burner. His is the most important relationship we will ever, ever have.

Illegal Immigration and the Titanic

2010-11-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night as I was thinking about Illegal Immigration, it occurred to me, I think everyone is against Illegal Immigration. The difference is in what people want to do about it...do we make it easier for them to get here legally or do we keep them out? I think even the Illegal Immigrants are against Illegal Immigration. Having to sneak over here and hide, always fearing the day they get caught...it's certainly not an ideal way to live. But what are their options? After experiencing the poverty, corruption and danger in Mexico for a significant amount of time, I think I would find sneaking over here the lesser of two evils as well.

The go-to argument seems to be, "Well, they should wait their turn and come over legally." But do people realize the wait is often 20-25 years if you're coming from Mexico, if they are approved at all? If I were living in Mexico with no way to provide for my children and the wait was 25 years...I would equate that with an eternity. These people just want a chance at a better life. Should we deny them that chance just because it may threaten our comfortable lifestyles?

A few nights ago I was watching the Titanic. Remember the end, where they helped all the rich people get on rafts and left all the poor people die? That was sad, but it wasn't the scene that really got to me.

It was the scene of the handful of rich people in the raft with plenty of room for more. They sat in the distance, safe in their raft, and watched as people were screaming and dying in the water. One person said there was no way to save them all and if they went back they would be pulled over by the multitude and they would all die. That was certainly a legitimate concern.

But if the alternative was sitting back to watch them all suffer and die just to save myself....

I think I'd rather go down with the rest of them.

But it's not the most important thing....

2010-10-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

When we go through especially troubling times in this life, it's really quite easy to let ourselves become consumed by them. Even if we are praying a lot, we can find that most of our prayer time is spent asking, sometimes begging God to intervene in our situation. A lot of really terrible things happen in this world that can drive us to our knees, and the good news is God really does care. I know in our situation that not only does God care, but He has a plan and it's in motion. It is extremely important to me that our situation is resolved. But today, as I was on the elliptical listening to the Revelation song, I realized ... contrary to how I've been feeling lately, it's not the most important thing. As I worshipped God, singing the Revelation Song at the top of my lungs, the important thing is what began to consume me.

I felt surrounded by the sheer magnitude of God, His holiness, His glory. I felt the heavy weight I've been carrying for so long begin to lift. And I prayed a much different prayer.

Lord, our family belongs to You. Help us not to be consumed by the things that happen in this world. Don't let us be distracted; let our eyes remain fixed on you. Through every circumstance, no matter what's at stake, I pray that our lives would bring glory to You. I pray that we would truly be a family that lives our lives full of faith and adoration for You. No matter what happens in any situation we face in this world, we will praise you. Whether we burn in the fiery furnace or whether You deliver us, let us bring glory to your name.

And that.........that is the most important thing.

How do I spend my time?

2010-09-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about time lately. I've heard people say through the years, "We are SO busy...we don't have any time for _______" (fill in the blank for what you are wishing you had time for.) As I've been thinking about it, however, I've decided that for the most part I think we MAKE time for what we want to make time for. Maybe our problem is more with the reasons we do the things we do.

Let me explain. The obvious example for me right now is Aaron. If every single one of my days was completely booked for the next two weeks and I got word today that Aaron was coming home tomorrow, you can bet things would get rearranged and I would be at that airport to see him when he lands. Furthermore, there would be a whole evening cleared to invite ALL our friends and family over for a HUGE celebration. Nothing would stop this from happening. It's very, very important to me. We make time for what's important to us.

On the other hand, what if we are driven to get people's approval? To always "do the right thing" so people will think highly of us? What if we fill our days with meetings, volunteering, counseling those who are hurting, giving people rides to where they need to go, etc. etc. etc. Those are great things to do if that's what's in your heart, if you're driven by love. But if you're doing it merely because you think it makes you a better person, it becomes about you, not them. You ignore the things that you know are important to you so you can continue doing these tasks that you're convinced make you a super Christian.... and bitterness is soon to follow. You resent the people you're helping for taking up your time, and you resent all the other "Christians" who aren't doing as much as you are for everyone.

Or, what if your reason is money? Let's face it, we need money to live. But there are a couple of things I want you to think about. First, how many of us work at jobs we don't like simply because we want more? We want nicer houses, cooler stuff, better vacations. And to get those things, we have to work hours and hours and hours doing something we hate. Or, what if we have to work those hours just to meet our basic needs, but instead of focusing on all the opportunities God may have for us to minister, we focus on getting it over with and collecting our money. If we work, most of us see people every single day. What an opportunity to listen to the Spirit of God to see if there's a difference we can make in someone's life. If only we could get the focus off ourselves.

Now, that's kind of easy for me to say right now because I'm finally in a position where I LOVE my job. But I've been there. I've been in those jobs where I struggle to keep a healthy focus, where I spend my time praying that something better will happen for me, rather than looking outward to see how I can touch others. And there are definitely things I wish I would have handled differently. But even now...in the job I love... there are opportunities for me to make a difference in the lives of others, OR I can choose to focus on myself and my own needs. I can always make my day about me. But if I do, I'm not successful in my business and I'm not successful in my Christian life.

Lest we begin to think this is a post encouraging everyone to stop whatever you're doing, let me quickly move on to what my real encouragement is. If you're feeling your days are being taken from you, if you find your time is spent doing things you really don't want to be doing, spend some much-needed alone time with the Holy Spirit. Find somewhere quiet, where your time is His alone. Let Him help you discover your purpose, your method, your niche so to speak. Let Him ignite the passion for whatever He created you for. He created you with a very special personality to use with special gifts and talents. Take the time to ask Him what He wants you to do. And even ask Him what you can be doing right where you are. Commit yourself to resisting all the distractions Satan would use to lure you away, and let life become about Him again.

I trust you'll find it's amazing how enjoyable time becomes.

Raise your hand if you enjoy the waiting....

2010-09-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

We are waiting. Sometimes patiently and sometimes not so much....but waiting, nonetheless.

I would like to just put it out there right up front... I hate waiting. But in thinking back to some scriptural accounts of this particular issue, I discovered I'm in pretty good company. Even Abraham, who received top billing as a man of faith, didn't always shine in this area. Waiting is hard. It gives you too much time to question, too much time to wonder if you really heard from God. And too much time to try to figure out a workable solution on your own.

But thank God. He doesn't let go of us. He continues to comfort. He continues to build, to be faithful, to reveal. Through this process, as I surrendered my heart to His loving hands, I have found a deeper faith. I have discovered at a whole new level what it is to hope in things unseen. And I have had profound revelation of how huge and capable He really is.... capable of taking care of everything in the universe no matter how large or how small.

Most importantly of all, and the glue that really holds it all together for me, He has reminded me of His love. The deep, intimate, unconditional love.

I placed a link below to a song that has lifted my spirits many times as I wait. I still hate waiting. But I love and appreciate so much the things I gain from it. While I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm Waiting....

Slaves obey your masters.....

2010-09-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

I Peter 2:18 You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect.* Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel.

Has this particular passage ever bothered anyone else? Is Peter saying God condones slavery??? Certainly that can't be right....

I have always been aware that a lot of things happen in the world that aren't right. And as I have seen my daughter, son-in-law, and their small children go through this horrible time of separation because of politics.... it's become just one more injustice added to my list. I see every day the effect it has on my daughter, trying to take care of two small children while she is due to deliver a third in just two short weeks. And she does it all the while trying to deal with the pain of having her husband ripped away from her. It's a lot to deal with. But yesterday, she unknowingly said something that ministered deeply to me. She had been reading a book on slavery here in the U.S., and all that those people suffered. She said, "Even if Aaron and I don't get to be together for another year, as painful as that would be, it wouldn't be as bad as what they had to go through." Now, I'm never one for comparing pain. Pain is pain, and I think you get into trouble when you try to measure one person's suffering with another's. But she was right. The things those people suffered were terrible...and it lasted a long, long time.

Which brings me back to the verse. Slaves are instructed to obey their masters. That always bothered me. I always felt it should read, "Masters, free those slaves! You have no right to hold another man captive!" Why would God condone slavery?

However, after my conversation with Rachel, something dawned on me that I have never considered before. What if this is really one of the most powerful, life-changing verses in the entire Bible? In fact, that's exactly what it was for me at that moment. It was no longer a verse about slavery. It was about integrity.

"No matter what happens to you...no matter where you find yourself in life....no matter how unfair or unjust it may be, still choose to do the right thing. Carry yourself with honor."

What is happening to Rachel and Aaron, and especially to their children right now, seems very unjust. You don't rip families apart to prove a point. You don't deprive children of their father and a wife of her husband on purpose. You don't deny a loving husband and father the opportunity to provide for his family. And you don't force a mother to give birth to her child without her husband by her side, just because of a hot political climate.

But through it all, Rachel and Aaron have continued to do the right thing. They have continued to follow the rules. They have held their heads high and walked in integrity.

Because they know. They know who really holds their future in His hands.

Keeping the Faith

2010-08-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

God is amazing. Even in the midst of many troubles, He continues to work. He continues to be faithful, to inspire, to comfort, to lead. My son-in-law is sitting in Mexico right now, waiting for the okay to come back to his wife and children who are oh-so-eagerly awaiting his return. Nothing is easy about this on either side. In fact, it's so mentally, emotionally, and physically draining, it could cause you to wonder if doing the "right thing" is all it's cracked up to be.

But I look at my daughter, and I listen to my son-in-law, as they both proclaim their faith and trust in God to see them through. Even through the tears, even through the pain, they continue to trust Him. Even after having their hopes crushed more than once, they continue to trust Him.

And I know it's God Himself who has drawn near to them and given them this gift. Only He can have this effect on people. No matter how bad it gets, I'm here. And I'm never going to let you go.

He's the only one who could make them this confident. Thank you, Lord, for your everlasting love.

Does anyone REALLY know God anymore?

2010-08-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about all the many stories in the Bible of men who could say this is what God is going to do, then sure enough that's exactly what He did. They really knew Him. They really understood what it was He wanted to do. Is there anyone that can really do that now? I can't think of anyone.

We hope. We pray and we hope. We think we have a pretty good understanding of what He should want to do, based on what we've learned about Him in the Bible. But to stand up and say, this is what God is going to do so prepare for it. We're pretty hit and miss.

I think I know God. I feel like I know His heart. There have been times when I felt that I've really heard His voice. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Or maybe I was never right....maybe it's just the old adage of even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile.

Right now I'm just suffering in the midst of great disappointment. I really thought I knew what God wanted. I really thought I knew what He would do. And I was wrong. So wrong. I still have faith in Him. I know He knows what He is doing and everything will be okay. I just don't know if I'll ever believe again that I really know Him. Or that I can even hear His voice.

Lord, show me what's true. Show me what to believe and I'll believe it. Reveal Yourself to me.

Because I really, really need to see who you are.

In thinking about prayer....

2010-06-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had all these questions about prayer, so on the way home several different situations from the Bible came to mind. Top of the list was Job.

Deep inside we all hope we don't have to be Job. Job prayed, but ultimately it all just played out the way it was going to anyway. Job's situation wasn't resolved right away, but does that mean Job's prayers were of no effect? I don't think so. In this case I believe Job's prayers strengthened his relationship with God. He was able to be honest with Him and to open his heart to Him. And that could be the very reason that in the end, everything turned out so well. Job continued to honor God through the whole ordeal. Without prayer, he may not have been able to do that.

Then there was the passionate prayer of King David for the life of his baby. He cried out to God, fasting and praying for the life of his son. On the seventh day, his son died anyway. David's reaction?
Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the LORD. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate.
He had hopes that God would have mercy on him and let his son live. God didn't do what he wanted him to do, but he got up and worshipped God anyway.

The next incident that came to mind is in Daniel chapter 10:
12 Then he said, "Don't be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels, came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia.14 Now I am here to explain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come."

In this case, it sounds as if some spiritual warfare had to take place in order to answer the prayer. It said Daniel's prayer was heard in heaven on the FIRST DAY he prayed, but for 3 weeks the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia blocked the messenger (thought by some to be Gabriel). Michael, who the messenger refers to as Daniel's prince, is apparently the only one who helps Gabriel fight this spirit prince of Persia. What's up with that? Interestingly, it says when he was done talking to Daniel, Gabriel needed to go back and continue this fight. So, in this case it would seem the answer was delayed only because of spiritual resistance. Did Daniel's prayers help break through this resistance? It doesn't say...it only explains the delay. But it does assure us he was heard in heaven right away, and something was in motion.

Another interesting thing that came to mind was when the apostles tried to cast the demons out of a man but couldn't do it. Jesus said that type of thing required fasting and praying. Then he proceeded to heal the guy. Now people (including me) often think you should fast and pray for the thing you are wanting to see happen. But is this really what Jesus meant? Had he been fasting and praying for this particular man to be delivered? I don't think so. I don't think the focus of our fasting and praying is to be the results we are looking for. It seems to me the key is deepening your relationship with God. The more you fast and pray, the more in tune you will be. And apparently the more powerful your prayers will be when the need arises.

In contrast to the above, there are many, many examples of prayers being answered immediately. Healings, deliverances, resurrections. You would think I'd be just as confused as I was yesterday on what the purpose of prayer really is.

But today I'm at peace. Clearly, like so many other things in the realm of God's kingdom, prayer has many purposes. The most important of these purposes is it keeps us in tune with God. So I will continue praying. I will continue worshipping and adoring, I will continue crying out for our needs. And if the answer doesn't come right away, still I remain confident that something good is in motion.

Holding out for what God wants to do....

2010-06-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I've learned over the past few weeks, it's that my ways most definitely are NOT God's ways. I have prayed and prayed for things to turn out just the way I want them to. And if God really loves me, if God really cares, He'll do what I want, right? That's the attitude we often have, whether we like to admit it or not. God proves His love to us by answering our prayers the way we want them answered.

Now, I'm still on the path of discovering what the power of prayer really is, and it's a journey that's far from over. As I've mentioned in the past, it's easy for me to believe God loves us and He knows what He is doing. It's easy for me to just trust that His decisions are right. But where does prayer come into that? Does He always just do what's best for us? Or does He sometimes do what we want, what we pray for, even if He knows that's not the best thing? Is that what we really WANT Him to do? Wouldn't we rather He do the best thing, since He has quite a bit more information than we do? Are there times when the best thing doesn't happen unless we pray? These are the questions I long to find answers for.

Meanwhile, my son-in-law is in Mexico. We love him with all our hearts. He came to the U.S. when he was 16 years old with the best of intentions and the most loving of hearts. He knew his mom couldn't provide for him and his five siblings. He tried the best he could to help in Mexico, but couldn't make enough money to help. So he left his home, his security, everything he knew to come to the U.S. He didn't understand the language or the culture. I think he had some understanding as to how dangerous it was to cross the border... as much understanding as a 16 year old boy has of danger. But he did it... out of love for his family. I am amazed at how incredibly brave he was at just 16 years old.

Since that time, he has been a hard worker. He married my daughter and worked hard to provide for her and their children. Since they have been together, we have always encouraged him to do the right thing. At the top of the list was going back to Mexico so he could come over legally. We did all the paperwork, everything they required to prove it would be an extreme hardship on my daughter if he were not to return to the U.S. The lawyer said there should be no problems...it was one of the strongest cases he had ever presented, and he's done a lot of them. But, he said, they can do whatever they want to do.

Aaron went to the American Consulate in Mexico, presented the hardship waiver, and they said we failed to prove it would be an extreme hardship on Rachel if he didn't return and we need to submit more evidence. Then they said they would give us another answer in A YEAR. I'm not sure what else we can submit. He is their sole source of income. They have never had to be on any assistance whatsoever, but now Rachel will be forced to apply for assistance for herself and their children. She is pregnant, due to deliver in September. It will be a huge emotional strain on her trying to raise three children all by herself, all while mourning the loss of her husband. It will be horrible for the children to live without their father. They are talking about ripping apart a family and they want to know why that would be a hardship. How hardened have we really become?

Rachel went down to Mexico to be with Aaron because they didn't want their family to be apart, and it should have taken only two months at the most for him to come back. Since their waiver was not approved, she thought maybe they could make it in Mexico. She said even if it were hard, the family needed to be together.

Tearfully, she is coming back this week. Aaron can't make enough money to provide for them there. He hasn't found a job yet and the most he could hope to make when he does is about 1000 pesos ($100) a week. Rachel has found that everything is as expensive (or more expensive) down there than it is here. They just can't make it. So they were forced to make the impossible, yet necessary, decision that she and the kids must come back without him.

We all have heavy hearts. He is our son now. We love him. He's not a nameless, faceless illegal immigrant. He is our son. He is the father of our grandchildren. We prayed, we fasted. The church prayed and fasted. But he is still in Mexico.

I'm sure God's hand is at work. I don't know what the plan is, but I know He will work it all for good. Our prayers weren't answered the way we wanted them to be, but I have enough years under my belt that I know when all looks lost, God comes shining through.

But at the same time, we are just sad. We miss him. We love him. Lord, bring him home as soon as you can.

And if there happens to be anyone out there who has more clout than we do, we'd appreciate any and all help. Oprah, are you listening?

Sometimes life will hurt....

2010-06-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

It's one of life's paradoxes, really. There are times in our lives that will be painful. The Bible assures us of that. And yet, we can be joyful in all things.

How is it possible to feel the depth of pain that I am feeling this week, yet at the same time feel this joy, this trust, this optimism that everything will be okay? It doesn't make sense... which is exactly why I believe it's God.

God has a way of taking things that make no sense whatsoever and building deep and lasting principals on them. (i.e. fisherman leading the church, first being last/last being first, finding everything you need by serving others instead of yourself, etc., etc.) My son-in-law, who I love as if he were my very own son, left for Mexico last week. My daughter and two grandchildren are leaving on Thursday. How long? It's yet to be determined. Hopefully no longer than 6-8 weeks. But it's not our call. Their fate is in the hands of the American Embassy in Juarez. Or so it would seem.

Our church has really banded together in this. There has been a call to pray and fast until Aaron, Rachel, and the kids are safely back in America. And not just our church... I have heard from other friends throughout the U.S. who have been praying...interceding...on their behalf.

Why did they have to send Aaron to Juarez? It's one of the most dangerous places he could possibly be right now with the drug wars that are going on. Someone was shot yesterday just 5 blocks from where he is staying.

But the church is praying. The saints are crying out for His protection, His provision. He is a kind and loving God who hears the cries of His people. And even though we won't be able to get to our children to offer our protection, He will be with them. And His protection is all they need.

You see, their fate is not in the hands of the American Embassy in Juarez. Their fate is most certainly in the hands of our God.

But I know what to do today...

2010-05-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

It can feel like it's closing in on you.....the pressure, the uncertainty. I think deep inside, we all have a desire to know what's going to happen. That could be why people squander more money than we could imagine on psychics and fortune tellers. Even if everything they say turns out to be wrong, at least for awhile people can feel like they know what's coming.

On the other end of the spectrum, think of those life experiences we navigated through successfully that we KNOW would have scared the ba-jeebers out of us if we had known they were coming. We all have them. The curve balls life throws at us that prove we have more strength, more endurance, a deeper faith than we ever imagined. But Thank God we didn't know ahead of time it was coming, or we would never have accepted the challenge. Those are the times when I thank God for all that he revealed to me through the trials, but then quickly let him know it doesn't mean I EVER want to go through anything like that again!

I heard something in a sermon on Sunday that got me to thinking. We've been talking about the book of Acts and the uncertainty the apostles must have felt as they waited to see what this "Holy Spirit" or "Helper" turned out to be. The uncertainty of what was going to happen next after Jesus left them so abruptly. The uncertainty they must have felt as they stood there looking into the clouds after He ascended, thinking, "But wait....."

They didn't know what to expect. They didn't know what was coming. They didn't know what the future of the church was going to look like... or maybe that there even was going to be a "church". But they did what they knew to do, and they left the rest to God.

The church in Acts was in transition. Leo and I can relate. Our church is in transition. Our family is in transition. And our company is in transition. We don't know what to expect. We have no idea what the future holds in any of these areas or how it will play out in our lives.

But we know what to do today.
And today we will do it.

The rest, we leave to God.

Why do we assume the worst?

2010-04-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

My husband and I were talking last night about how it says in the Bible we will all stand before God and give an account of our lives. Did you just feel your heart sink? It's amazing to me that our first inclination is usually to think the worst. Do we picture ourselves standing before God as he gives us example after example of how we fell short or failed? Do we expect him to focus on all the footage that shows each moment we watched tv instead of reading our Bible? Often times, that's how we are treated in the workplace, or in life for that matter. Constantly being reminded of how we fall short, how much we need to improve. So naturally, that must be how God is going to judge us, right?

I got a much different picture of it this morning.

As I was sitting on the picnic table in the back yard, I pictured myself sitting with God. It wasn't actually in heaven...it was right there at the picnic table, sort of a "mid-term" review. As he talked to me, my heart just warmed. He reminded me of good things I had done for people and said, "Remember when you did that? You did that for me." He showed me kindnesses I had shown others that touched his heart. And he showed me times when I put aside what I wanted to help someone else. I really got a sense for how much all that meant to him, and I was bursting with joy at having pleased him.

Oh, there were areas I could improve in. But the way he showed them to me was so encouraging. It was like, "And life can get even better!" By the time we were done I was ready to LEAP off that picnic table and find more ways to show his love. It was an incredible encounter.

I don't know why for all these years I have dreaded "the account". Sure, there will be lots of ways I fall short. But he already knows that. He knows I'm human. He knows how much I need him. But like any parent, I think he'll be overjoyed with the ways we tried to please him, the times we tried to reach out toward him, and the times we showed his love to others.

Is it so hard to believe he'll be proud of us?

And yet I ramble....

2010-04-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am in that place again. I feel like I have something really deep and meaningful going on inside of me. I feel like I have something to say. And yet, I don't know what it is. A wise person would stay silent. If you don't have anything to say, stop talking. That's a good rule of thumb. But I'm not wise....at least not in this area. I start talking, and I don't stop until I figure out what it is on the inside that's trying to get out. So settle back. This could be a long post.

I think it started with our new small group topic. We decided to do Crazy Love by Frances Chan. We haven't gotten very far into it, but I'm intrigued and excited at the thought of going much deeper into my relationship with God than I ever have in the past. The deep realization that there are so many facets to God.... His personality, His love, His glory...so many facets that we could see something new about him every single day for the rest of our lives and still never scratch the surface. He is the ultimate source of creativity. The things that He can show us about Himself are never-ending. That is exciting.

When I think about it, I really do get excited. And yet, there is something churning around deep inside of me that makes me feel....discouraged. What is up with that? I don't know where it is coming from. Granted, every area of my life is in transition right now. Major transition. Our church, our business, our family. All of it. But I really don't feel overly anxious about it. I feel like I trust God. And I have every confidence He will teach us things we desperately need to know through all of it.

And yet I feel discouraged...maybe a little sad. Or maybe just unknowingly missing the days when I had somewhat of a grasp on where at least one area of my life was going. I really don't know what this is. But it's leading me straight to the feet of God. It's causing me to cry out to Him from the depths of my heart. And it's been my experience that whenever I come to that place, He comes through in amazing ways. I know Him more. I love Him more. I see a little more of Him than I saw before. This feeling of desperation in the innermost parts of my being almost always results in God's presence meeting me in some profound way.

And now that I think about it, isn't that what I was longing for at the beginning of this post? Uncomfortable or not, He has me right where I need to be.

Worry

2010-04-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

I recently read something that said if we worry, we are in effect saying that our particular situation is more important than God's command to be joyful in all things. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Do you wonder why God told us to be joyful in all things? It would almost seem that He couldn't have possibly been serious about that one. There are so many things that can hit us from so many different directions. At any given time, most of us have a whole list we could choose from of things to worry about. And yet, we are to trust God, and let go of the worry...???

If we're honest, part of the problem we have with trusting God is that He may not handle our situation the way we want it handled. Oh, we know. We've all had those times where God did things TOTALLY different than we wanted him to. We want to be able to trust God to do what we want Him to do. We're not that interested in Him doing what He thinks is best. Dear God, how smart do we think we are???? Somewhere deep inside of us, we actually believe we should hang onto it so it gets handled the way we know it should. We think we know what would be best for us. And somewhere inside, we're not totally convinced God cares what is best for us.

Through blogland, I met a girl named Rhonda who really says some great things about keeping your joy, and what it is about our troubles that we can be grateful for. You should definitely check it out. I've been pondering those things, too. In fact, I'm totally intrigued by this whole topic. And I think I'm in the process of completely redefining what it means to me to trust God.

God is interested in what's inside of me. He's interested in my growth, my maturity. He's interested in helping me learn to love genuinely, serve selflessly, and most importantly to be a light that shines toward Him. Those things are what's important. But many of us have bought into a lie. The lie that our comfort in this world is what's most important. That if God really cared, and if He really wanted us to trust Him, he would help us avoid suffering, achieve our personal dreams, have financial independence....the list goes on and on. We still think this world is what's important.

None of those things are bad in and of themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with achieving your dreams or having financial security. And we certainly don't need to be going out looking for some way to suffer. The problem comes when we value those things over the things that God values. We should love every trial that helps us see and know God better. We should rejoice when things have played out God's way instead of ours. If we have achieved a dream or financial security... we should be willing to lay it down in a heartbeat for any opportunity to learn to love more, serve more, be more of a hope to those who desperately need an encounter with Jesus.

So in trusting God, my quest becomes this: To lay it down. Not just the problem, but every thought I have of how the solution should play out. I want to offer God a clean slate, not some multiple choice options of how I'd like it handled. He knows what's important. And He's promised to work all things for good. What HE knows is good...not what I think I've figured out to be good. Trust is not just trusting Him with the problem. It's believing that whatever He decides to do with it is by far the best possible thing that could be done, and jumping on board with His plan no matter where it leads me.

God, help me trust you.

Aquila and Priscilla

2010-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

Quite a long time ago, I felt that God laid something on my heart. When I was reading and praying, I felt that He said he wanted Leonard and I to model our lives after Aquila and Priscilla.

It turns out there isn't a whole lot of information about Aquila and Priscilla in the Bible. But what there is seems right down our alley. We've read all the scriptures that have to do with them, and we've read a lot of commentaries, and so far what we've found is we love doing the things they did.

We LOVE welcoming people into our home. We love sharing our love for God with them and freely offering any encouragement/knowledge that we may have. We love doing everything as a team (it seems most everything we do, we do it together). And more than anything else, we want to focus our lives on doing the work of the Kingdom. One commentary said Aquila and Priscilla made money making tents so they could do the Lord's work. And I would be willing to bet that even during work hours, they were doing all they could to help others see the truth about God.

Another commentary we read quoted a man as saying, "There are two kinds of people. The kind who do the work, and the kind who take credit for it. Strive to be the first kind...there's a lot less competition there." That's the kind of people Aquila and Priscilla were. They were happy to be doing the Lord's work, and didn't care about titles, or receiving credit. They knew that it was everyone's job to minister to others, and they just did it. What a great thing to strive for.

I'm excited about our future. I'm excited to see what God has for us to do. I just pray that we hear His voice and have the courage and the vision to see it through.

The Dream

2010-03-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I was at home sick, I had a dream about Dan (our pastor who died last month). I'm not good with analyzing dreams, but I can tell you that even with all that has been weighing on me lately, I woke up very encouraged.

It all started in a gymnasium. Dan was working with some people on some type of drama and he had a woman from our church helping him, as she needed it for some school credits. There was a younger man who had been told earlier he could help with it because he also needed credits, so I went to Dan and told him I thought he should let the young man help. Dan explained to me why he wasn't doing it that way and I was fine with his decision, even though I didn't necessarily agree. The next thing I knew I was sitting in the bleachers talking to another guy in our church.

I told him, "It's so easy to have great faith when God speaks to you. Then you just have to trust him enough to do whatever He's said. It's so much harder when He's silent and you have no idea what He wants you to do." Then I went on to say about someone else in our church (that I don't even think this about!): "He thinks he knows so much about God. Well, of course he does... it was HANDED to him. The elders of our church taught us well."

The next thing I knew I was walking down a corridor with Dan. We were talking about the drama, when he said, "You know, I heard you say something in the bleachers that I took as quite a compliment." I said, "What was that?"

"When you said, 'Of course he does, it was handed to him.' "

I said, "Well, it's true. You and the elders have taught us so much about God and about how to live our lives." Then I began to cry and I said, "But it's so hard now that you're gone. I don't always know what to do." And right then, Dan disappeared. I was really upset. I wished I hadn't said anything about him being gone so he could still be there for me to talk to. I cried, "I don't know what to do."

Then I heard Dan's voice say, "It's been handed to you."

And right then, I woke up.

This dream felt so real to me, and I knew it was true. Through everything we've learned from Dan and the other elders, through the encouraging words we've gotten from our friends, and from the encouragement we've gotten directly from God... we DO know what to do. It has been handed to us.

I don't know why it's so hard not to give the world more input than it should have. The ways of the world are not God's ways. This dream was a good reminder to me to put my hope in what I've heard from God and from His people. And even more, it reminded me that what Dan instilled in us for 20+ years lives on.

The Unknown

2010-03-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

My husband and I work together and we love it. A lot of people have asked if it has caused stress in our marriage.... one woman said she couldn't even paint a room with her husband without getting in a fight!!! Fortunately, that's not the case for us. We run our office together, with my daughter occasionally coming in to help, and we really love being able to be together.

Recently, however, we found out that our situation may be changing. We are going to begin the process of being on straight commission. Now, this could go really, really well for us...or everything could fall apart around us. (During a recession is not the most comfortable time to rely on commissions for your livelihood.) There is a good possibility it could all go very well. However, that's not what I find myself thinking about. I find myself thinking about what could go wrong.

This isn't totally out-of-character for me. I seem to always want to be prepared for the worst. I want to have a game plan already in place, never to be caught off guard. On the other hand, God tends to want to break me of this need for control. Or should I say the "feeling" of control...as we all know the control we think we have is merely an illusion.

As I was sharing this situation with a good friend, she told me something she had read about eagles. When eagles teach their young to fly, they pick them up, take them high into the air, and just drop them. The tiny eagle flails around, probably thinking, "What the heck, Mom??!!! I'm falling!! Hello??? I'm FALLING!" But before the young eagle hits the ground, the mother swoops him up and tries it again.

Eventually, the fear must subside a bit and the young eagle starts trying to fly. And if you've ever seen an eagle AFTER he's learned to fly... there is nothing that looks more beautiful, more natural, more freeing.

I believe there is a reason God is taking us down this path. We are not sure where the path will take us, but we know we want to live our lives serving Him in the best way we possibly can. No matter what lies ahead, our trust will be in Him.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

That's where we're headed. But we need to stop resisting the process of learning. We just need to trust Him as he teaches us to fly.

The Well-Lit Path

2010-03-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

I'm back. After taking quite a break from blogging to do a lot of soul-searching, I'm back.

The past couple of weeks, I feel that God has been leading me to a place of deeper trust. It's easy to trust that God is in control when everything is going as you think it should. Or even as you think HE would think it should. But when things happen that make no sense... when you can't understand how it could possibly fit into His plans... when you especially can't see how He could even be okay with it... that's when it's easy to feel like your faith is shaken.

It's all subject to change (my thoughts are evolving) but for now, these are some of the things I've been thinking about:

1. God is in control even when the world seems out of control. He won't leave us. He won't let go of us. He'll continue to give us peace in the times when peace seems like an impossibility. And he will always, always, always bring good out of the situation, no matter how badly it begins. When His hand touches it, everything becomes possible.

2. For as long as I live, I will cringe when people only say God was watching over them/protecting them when they arrive to their destinations safely. I've seen more than enough untimely deaths... but I KNOW God was watching over them. I KNOW He never withdrew His protection. Sometimes people don't arrive to their destinations safely. Sometimes they leave this earth a lot sooner than it seems they should. But that is never a measure of God's protection or how closely He is watching over them.

3. It's going to take me a lot longer than I thought to really understand that it's not all about this world. I have thought I understood that life is really about things that are eternal, that life in the Spiritual realm is all that truly matters. But I've found I still care an awful lot what happens in this world. I come around in the end...realizing that the time will come when we will all be together in a place where life is as it should be. But sometimes it takes awhile. Sometimes what happens in this life is all I can see.

4. I want to live whatever days I have left on this earth doing what the Father wants me to do. I want to help others see the love and sacrifice that Jesus made just so we could be close to him. I want to hear His voice clearly, and have the vision and the passion to walk out anything He has for me to do, no matter how easy or hard it may be. I want to seek first His kingdom, and know I never have to sweat the other stuff.

5. I want greater faith. I want to know and believe that he will show me the steps I should take. I want to spend time in His presence. I want to live in His light.

And no matter where my path leads... if I'm following Him, it's exactly where I want to be.

Words aren't enough.

2010-02-17T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've always been a big fan of the written word. I've always felt there is such power in being able to take others to a place that may only exist inside of you, and help them experience it.

But then there are times like this when words seem to trivialize everything. They aren't enough. There aren't any words big enough or powerful enough to convey all the emotions that come with losing someone at a time that seems all too soon. We weren't done with him. There was so much more life we wanted to live with him.

Dan Thompson taught the people of our church to be genuine. He had little tolerance for a church environment where people had to put on a happy face and act like they had it all together. And he had even less tolerance for a church environment that was harsh and judgmental.

But he loved mercy. He loved grace. He loved being able to accept people for who they are, embracing both the good and the bad, and helping them along their journey no matter what point they may find themselves at.

He taught us to love God with all of our hearts. And he taught us to really, genuinely, deeply love each other. To lay our lives down for each other. And the last few years were spent teaching us to take that love outside the church. Don't just be nice to people .... really care about them. Really love them. And that is how they will see the heart of Jesus.

There is numbness. There are tears. There is laughter and memories. Most of all, there will be friendship. Hugging, crying, grieving. There may not be any words. But there will be people laying down their lives to help each other cope.

Because that's how Dan Thompson taught us to live.

I'll never, ever let you down

2010-02-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

I went with a couple of friends to see "The Book of Eli" the other night. Wow... what a story. It was pretty slow moving in the beginning, but by the end of the movie the storyline was etched into my soul.

I wonder how I will respond if life as I know it drastically changes? I so admired Denzel's character and his unwavering devotion to God. That's what I envision for myself if the time ever comes. I will be the one who willingly steps into the fiery furnace. I will face the lions. I won't let anyone stop me from proclaiming my great love for God loudly and boldly. I will never back down. Yes, that's what I imagine in my head. And that's what I truly hope for.

But what goes on in my head is not necessarily what plays out in reality. (Trust me... if it were, I'd be a much better person than I am). Remember Peter? Who could have been more devoted to Jesus than him? But when the chips were down, he choked. Oh, it wasn't the end of the story for him. And it wouldn't be for me either. God is so willing to help us back up again... to give us the strength to try again.... to use every failure to build us up. He is a loving and merciful God. And for that I am so grateful.

But my prayer is that no matter what I face in the future, I will be able to stand steadfastly for God. I pray that my love for him wins out over any obstacle, any amount of suffering. I pray that what I feel for him in my heart will be the reality of my life.

And life as we know it doesn't have to change at all for this to be the deepest cry of my heart.

Pushing Through

2010-02-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm on a mission to overcome my fears. Not to stop having fear, but to stop letting the fear control what I do. I find this fear shows up most in my workplace. As you know, I'm in sales. I love what I do... I love helping my clients find the perfect items to work with whatever event they're planning. I especially love finding gifts for employees to help them feel appreciated. I have good relationships with my clients and it's easy to work with them. That's right down my alley.

The part that is not so much down my alley is going out to find new clients. For some reason, that just causes fear to rise up inside of me (not good for a sales rep). I love to help people and I WANT to help in any way I can. But walking up and talking to people I don't know has ALWAYS frightened me. And here I am in a job where I need to learn to do just that.

I was praying about it awhile back, and I felt God showed me this is something I need to get a handle on. Not just for work, not just to make more sales... but so I'm able to do the things God has for me to do. There could be many reasons I wound up in a job like this. But I know for sure that he is using it to shape me. He is using it to teach me, refine me, and to cause me to grow.

And that is where the encouragement came in. I love when God encourages me. It carries a lot of weight, because He tends to be right about a lot of stuff. And what I feel I heard from God is that I can do this...even without the absence of fear. I can talk to people I don't know, whether I fear it or not. I can do it.

So this is my goal: To do what I know I need to do. And instead of trying to ease my fears, I'm going to walk out and do it right in the midst of my fears.

I may indeed have fear....but it can only control me if I let it.

Is there a line?

2010-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, it hit me! Finally, after 19 1/2 years of living in our house, I figured out exactly what I wanted to do to the back of it. I've always known I wanted to knock out the back and put a rounded breakfast nook with LOTS of windows looking out to the back yard. But I've never really known what would happen to the upstairs. I kind of thought maybe just a double-decker deck of some sort. But then it hit me. I would extend the sunroom that is up there and make it into a rec room! How fun! We would have plenty of room for entertaining... get a pool table that converts to a ping-pong table, and a shuffle board table. We'd put a few high top tables along each side. It was a perfect idea!

Leonard and I were so excited with the vision.... but it didn't last. You see, I have this inner dilemma. The thought of making our already-sufficient home into something nicer when I know there are people who are LOSING their homes, or who have needs that are so much greater than ours.... that really, really, really bothers me.

Don't get me wrong... I do not begrudge people what they have. I don't think it's a sin to be rich or have possessions as long as you live with a generous heart. But is there a line? And where is it? I think it's something each of us have to determine for ourselves. But I'm having a little trouble with mine.

Can I spend however many thousands of dollars it would take to remodel our house when I know people are living at the City Mission? On the other end of the spectrum.... Can I spend $20 on a pizza when I know there are people who are hungry? (Let me assure you...I can.) But should that bother me just as much? And what about everything in between that we buy? The phones, the computers, the furniture... replacing them just because there's something better out there.

There are so many people with needs and struggles that I can't even begin to understand. People who live without ANYTHING every single day. What about them? We think of them when there are earthquakes and it's all over the news. But when they're quietly starving to death or dehydrating from a lack of clean drinking water.... as long as we don't pay attention, we can go on with our lives.

Is this why Mother Teresa lived the way she did? Did she have a true understanding of how important it is to care for the people with real needs? How did she get to the place where she could freely give up everything just for the privilege of taking care of those who needed her? What if we ALL gave up everything we have to take care of those who need us? What would the world look like?

So many questions. And that nagging, underlying knowledge that I can make it all go away just by not thinking about it.

God, help me. Help me to really understand what it is you have for me to do.

What really matters

2010-01-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get so caught up in my schedule, I catch myself forgetting what really matters. Last weekend we went to Minnesota. It was a wonderful trip! We were to have a company meeting in Glenwood on Monday, and it just so happened our oldest daughter had to get back to St. Paul to start classes at the same time. So we decided to hop in the car and follow her back on Saturday so we could relax in a hotel, go to Mall of America, and just enjoy some time with her before dropping her off at the dorms. Every moment of this will be a treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.

Sunday night, we were heading to St. Paul to her dorm room and we got stuck in some really heavy traffic. This is when I found myself getting annoyed. Apparently there was an accident up ahead and all the cars were trying to squeeze into one lane. It took quite a long time to get by, and it's probably a good thing because it gave me some much-needed time to think. There was an accident up ahead and I was irritated that it was inconveniencing me. I had NO IDEA if the accident was a fender-bender or if some families lives were going to be forever altered because they lost a loved one. I've seen what this does to a family. And suddenly my schedule didn't matter anymore.

My mind went back to when my daughter's boyfriend was killed in a car accident a few years ago. He and his brother stopped in to talk to their mom, and on their way home they slid into an oncoming car. His mother had absolutely no idea that would be the last time she would see her son alive.

After things like this happen, we are acutely aware of what matters. And we think we'll never, ever forget. But somehow it gradually fades. We are beings that naturally gravitate toward taking things (life) for granted. We find ourselves having to REMIND ourselves to be grateful, to pay attention to what matters, to let go of the things that don't.

In Ephesians 5:17 it says Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. If it were possible to determine how much of what we do is done thoughtlessly, I wonder what the percentages would be. Even if we didn't do anything bad, if we had taken the time to understand what the Lord wanted us to do in that situation, would we have done things the same way?

Life is so precious. The time we have here is so precious. None of us can possibly know what's ahead. I want to pay closer attention to what really matters. I want to be able to loosen my grasp on what doesn't. I want to be so in tune with my Father that as I am living my life I understand what He wants me to do.

Because whatever it is that He wants me to do, it will be something that definitely matters.

But let me explain....

2010-01-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Leonard's comment to me on the last post was he thinks I'm too hard on myself. Or "I don't think the situation is as bleak as you make it out to be." And as I reread the post I can see how that's how it sounds. So I feel I need to explain.

Although it may SOUND like I'm being harsh with myself, I don't feel that way at all. When revelation comes from God, it's never discouraging to me. In fact, it is exciting! Sure, there's that moment when faced with your own short-comings you think....ugh, yeah---that's me. But when I finally understand something in such a way that I'm sure change is coming in my life, when I'm about to be set free from something that I feel has limited me in so many ways... I want to shout it from the rooftops!

Yeah, I really sucked in this area for YEARS, but God has shown me the way out!

There is nothing as exciting, motivating, and life-changing as a revelation from God. And you know how pretty much everything he does "passeth understanding"? Well, the part that is baffling is no matter what he shows you about where you've gone wrong, there is never even a smidge of condemnation in it. I have no feelings of condemnation.... just the feeling that I'm standing on the very threshold of victory.

Have I mentioned I just love God?

How Does That Make Me Feel?

2010-01-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you have heard, as I have, all the jokes directed at Psychiatrists about the overused phrase "And how does that make you feel?" Well, today I'm not laughing so much because I had a personal epiphany that is not pleasant. I'm more selfish than I ever realized.

For some reason it just hit me. Most of what I do is based primarily upon how it makes me feel. Ugh. I hated thinking it, and I hate even more putting it in print. I look at my home life, my work life, my church life... it's all the same. I do the things that make me feel safe, happy, fulfilled, etc. etc. And I avoid the things that make me uncomfortable, scared, insecure, etc. Certainly it's normal to prefer the former over the latter. But to act on it? To make daily decisions based on it? As a born-again, Bible-believing, God-trusting Christian... I don't find that acceptable. I'm not judging anyone else, mind you... I just don't find it acceptable for me.

For crying out loud, I'm almost 48 years old!!! (It's almost my birthday again, which will be my day off from being others-centered and will continue to be all about me!) :o) At this juncture in my life, I would like to think that I would have the confidence to jump right in and do whatever task is before me no matter how it makes me FEEL. I know God. I trust God. I'm aware that he will bring growth to us through every experience, both good and bad. It's time to stop letting fear and self-doubt paralyze me. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO EVEN BE ABOUT ME.

And how does that make me feel???? Like there needs to be a major overhaul in my thinking. And I think there will be a really sweet freedom in this victory.

Relationships

2010-01-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

When I first decided to give my life for the Kingdom of God, the relationships I had were absolutely essential in helping me to establish a firm foundation. We moved back to Lincoln shortly thereafter, and God led us to a group of people we are still with today. The very first thing I really remember our pastor saying is, "Do you even know if the person sitting next to you is contemplating suicide?" He went on to tell us that if we are going to be the church, if we're going to be able to lay down our lives for one another, if we're really going to be able to love each other...we have to get to know each other.

Leonard and I have been completely sold on this concept ever since. Love God, Love Each Other. It's the church. It's the way it has to be if we're going to be effective. In the old days, our church really shined in this area. We knew how to relate. We knew how to love. But somehow, we were lacking in other areas. We loved each other so much, we never really reached out to anyone else. Somehow, without meaning to, we became very exclusive.

Our pendelum has swung way over to the other side now. We embrace the new people we can bring in... and I love that. Yet, we've lost so much of the relationship aspect of it. I never want to be a Christian that just sees the people God has joined me together with on Sundays. I want to be the church that really loves one another and would lay our lives down for each other in a heartbeat. I want the depth of relationship that can only come from being joined together by the Spirit of God. And, in a sense, Leonard and I have devoted our lives to this. We will probably spend the rest of our days on earth trying to get people together, putting them in situations where they have the opportunity to get to know one another. Love God, Love One Another. It is vital to the life of the church.

I love the fact that our church brings in so many visitors. And I loved having a church where people really want to live life together. I refuse to believe we can't have both.

The King David Quandary

2009-12-30T12:48:00.000-08:00

Most of the time when I think of King David, I just long to have as close of a relationship with God as he did. I admire the undying love he had for the father, and the incredibly deep level of trust. HOWEVER, today (I hope you don't mind) I'm going to talk about something that has me totally perplexed.

I just had surgery on my foot and have been laid up for awhile (foot in the air, ice on the foot). The biggest upside of this is that I've had some extra time for searching through my favorite book for little tidbits I may have missed before. Yesterday, I just happened to find such a tidbit.

Generally speaking, when people come to the end of their lives here on earth, the things they are concerned about are things that really matter. You don't find them on their deathbed wishing they had gotten in a few more hours at work, or even that they could have reached a higher payscale. They always seem to know by then that it's their family and friends that really matter.... And they cherish the time spent with them. I've gotten great comfort from this over the years, just knowing when the chips are down, most of the stuff that causes us to worry won't even matter anymore.

Which leads me to I Kings and King David. I was reading about how David had Solomon named the new King, and was right in the middle of the feeling of amazement I get that God would have the son of the woman David committed adultery with be the new king. That's so like God. But that's a whole different post.

The thing that got my attention yesterday was David's last words to Solomon from his deathbed. Now, you would think he would be talking to Solomon about how much he loved him and how much he cherished the memories. "Remember, Solomon, when you and your buddies took the chariot without asking and parked it behind the palace where you thought I wouldn't see it?" Something of that nature. But instead, David spends his time telling Solomon who to get even with, which people to make sure he has put to death, etc., etc.

Somehow this just isn't what I would expect from a man after God's own heart. I'm still pondering it... and these are some ideas I've come up with so far in discussing it with Leonard.

1. Most people get very sentimental at the end of their lives because of that overwhelming sense that the end is near. David was acutely aware that it was not the end, but only the beginning. Maybe he didn't have sadness in his heart because he was leaving this world... or at the very least that sadness was completely overshadowed by the joy he felt that he would finally get to be face to face with the God he had spent his whole life worshipping.

2. Things were different back then, there's no doubt about it. Maybe these are things that God had told David needed to be taken care of. Maybe he was just passing the message along to Solomon.

I'm not sure. I just know this kind of took me by surprise. I've read it before, but it has never really sunk in. Maybe because I'm getting older and more sentimental with every day that goes by. David, whose heart was overflowing with love for God, spent his last moments on earth telling Solomon who to kill and/or punish.

Does that bother anyone else?

Being filled with the life and power of God....

2009-12-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

What does it take to really be filled with the life and power of God? I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting this. There is nothing in this world that could compare to a gift like that. It's the thing I desire with all of my heart.

But how do you get there? Reading the Bible? Surely that must help. But obviously not just reading... really trying to hear from God as you read. That should be a good start.

How about overcoming the sin in our lives? It's no secret that sin slows us down. Life would be so much easier if we could just get past all the things we struggle with.

Doing good for others. There's a good one. We know that's something that is close to God's heart. Really love others. Help them on their journey. Certainly God would pour his life and power into that.

These are all great things. And in 2010 I would like to improve in all these areas. But the problem is, these things don't achieve the goal. You don't receive his life and power from doing these things. In fact, you can't really achieve any of this unless you already have his life and power.

So how do you do it? How do you become filled with this life and power???

Ephesians 3:19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Why does it seem we humans always underestimate the power of his love? It can't be that easy. It's got to cost us something. It's got to hurt. We have to pay for it somehow. Well, it did cost something and someone did pay for it. But it wasn't us.

And when we realize that... if we really understand the depth of what he's done... when we genuinely experience his love... there doesn't need to be a cost. We will freely, joyfully, lavishly give it all.

A time for family

2009-12-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year. Even with all the hustle & bustle, it always seems to me that it's going in slow motion. Life slows down and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. I am a sentimental sort of person anyway, but just start that Christmas music, start talking about Jesus being born here on earth because God wanted that much for us to be near him, start getting the families together to share meals.... it's the hap-happiest time of the year!

I know there is a lot of talk about people spending too much money at Christmas. And most certainly, it must be true. But, being the Christmas-optimist I am, I have to believe a lot of the motivation behind it is just people wanting to brighten other people's days! If you're going to go overboard on something, why not go overboard with doing something for others? Now, don't walk away from this post thinking I'm advocating going into debt at Christmas-time. Spend what you have, not what you don't have. I just think when our focus is on the happiness of others, it can never be a totally bad thing!

The past couple of Christmases, I have discovered something wonderful. Me and my sentimental self... I've always been such a lover of holiday traditions. We've always gotten our tree from the SAME place the day after Thanksgiving, we decorate it the same way, we have our grilled cheese and hot cocoa after we decorate, and we joke about how in my mind we're having the grilled cheese on Christmas Eve because that's how I did it when I was a kid. The past couple of years, with the girls moving out and Rachel getting married and having kids of her own, it's been quite a bit different. I thought it would be much harder on me than it is, to let go of the traditions we've held so dear. But I have found there is great joy in seeing the new traditions taking shape in Rachel & Aaron's family. We've adjusted, we've done things differently, and it has worked. I felt as if God was telling me something when we got the postcard in the mail telling us as of this year the Kiwanis would no longer be selling Christmas trees. And on top of that, we knew we wouldn't even be able to put up a Christmas tree until after the wedding. But you know what? I don't even feel as if any traditions have been broken.

Instead, I feel like I've made the greatest discovery of all. The traditions have never been about what or when. It's always been about who.

The Stinky Barn

2009-12-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life, it has hit me. The impact of what God was saying to us by choosing to be born not in a palace, not in a hotel, not even in someone's guest room, but in a stinky barn....it has hit me hard.

We have really gone a long way toward "glorifying" his physical surroundings. Those gorgeous manger scenes. Manger is such a nice word for a feeding trough in a stinky barn. It makes me want to write a new song. "Away in a Stinky Barn, no crib for a bed". And the cattle won't be "lowing". They will moo. And when he wakes up from all the racket the animals are making, baby Jesus will indeed cry. It will be a song about some very real circumstances... and how the glory of God exists right in the midst of it.

And therein lies the message. I am coming to where you are. The God of the universe chose to come to us. He is not put off by the circumstances that surround our lives. He is not afraid of getting dirty. He has chosen... chosen... to come to where we are. Because that is who he is.

But it doesn't stop there. He wants us to do the same. WHAT??? We are CHRISTIANS, after all! We don't belong in places that may get us dirty! When those people are ready, they should come to us. The only problem is... that's not the example He set for us. Now I'm not suggesting we all need to run out and find some sin-filled situation to jump into so we can consider ourselves obedient. I'm merely suggesting we open our eyes and tear down any walls we've unknowingly built up. Be willing. When the time comes and the need presents itself, be willing to step right into a dirty old barn so His love can transform the lives of the people you find there.

There will be a time for living in palaces. But for right now... it's about helping as many people as we can find palaces of their own.

And if it means we have to live in stinky barns for awhile, then so be it.

Is there something wrong with me?

2009-12-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

The other day I got to thinking about the things that cause us to struggle in life. I thought about the things that cause angst in my own life, as well as different things I knew were weighing heavily on friends and family. Now, I hate making blanket statements because every situation is different. I will just say that for all the things I was thinking about, the root cause of each of the ongoing struggles could be traced back to what we allowed ourselves to believe.

Could it be that often times the only reason we continue to struggle is because of what we're allowing ourselves to believe? Let me give an example. I have struggled my whole life with this underlying feeling that there is something wrong with me. It doesn't matter how many successes I have, how many friends I have, how much encouragement I receive. I just feel like my personality is flawed and I find myself wishing I could be quieter, more passive, more loving, less outspoken, less overbearing. You know... that Proverbs woman that has eluded me all of my life. In my head I understand we're all different, and all our personalities work together to accomplish God's purposes. But in all honesty, I believe that more for you than I do for me.

I saw the movie "Blind Side" last week with Leonard. THAT IS MY NEW ALL-TIME-FAVORITE MOVIE! Sandra Bullock's character had a lot of the personality traits I've spent a lifetime wishing I didn't have. But it worked for her. She was able to be totally overbearing, yet still have a heart that was overflowing with love and mercy. I can't tell you how many times through the movie Leonard told me her character reminded him of me. (One example... her husband told the kids as she was outside talking to Big Mike, "I know that look. Your mother's about to get her way.") (yeah, that's me)

That movie was so good for me. It gave me hope that it's okay to be who I am. And I think it also got me to thinking that I've struggled with something for a lot of years (decades) simply because of what I've allowed myself to believe. Will I be able to change what I believe? Probably not right away. But I have a clearer picture of what I'm fighting against. When those old feelings arise, I will try to identify what it is I'm believing that's causing those feelings, and replace it with truth. What truth have I discovered?

1. It's okay to have areas of my personality that need refining. It's all part of the growth process.

2. I don't stand alone .... chances are there's something wrong with most of you, too. :o)

3. In the midst of the things that may be wrong with us, there are lots of things that are good and right and wonderful about us.

4. We can rest in the fact that there is not now nor will there ever be anything wrong with God.

What are you struggling with? What is it you're believing?

And life becomes normal again....

2009-12-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

We just finished marrying off our daughter this weekend! We don't have the pictures back yet, but here's a snapshot my other daughter took while they were getting ready....

I don't know how this whole process usually goes for people, but we planned this for over A YEAR... and it still seemed like all the details were crashing in around me at the last minute. I thought I had everything planned out so well, yet there were still things that were missed, things that didn't go as planned. Fortunately, all my friends told me that no one even knew anything went wrong and that it was a beautiful event. I love friends.

I was right about one thing, though. For all the last-minute stress, and all the details that didn't work out right... none of it mattered anymore when I saw my beautiful daughter walking down the aisle on her dad's arm. It's a picture that is forever etched into my memory.

And when I look at that picture, all I can do is smile.

The still and quiet voice.....

2009-11-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

Ever have those times when you just feel like you're right on the verge of discovering something new and deeper in your relationship with God? This is one of those times for me. Is it about faith? hope and trust? giving? abiding? or all of the above? I'm not sure. I just feel like I'm about to discover something really magnificent about our relationship that will take it to a whole new level.

He seems so very close -- like he's whispering in my ear but it's just quiet enough I can't make out what he's saying. His words keep getting lost behind the worriesome voices... Our numbers are down at work this month--there are only two weeks left--how are we ever going to pull them up? .... Our daughter is facing major decisions in the direction her life is taking. So many outside influences. God, please let her hear your voice. .... Our son-in-law and daughter have so many obstacles to face in getting his legal status. They have such a young and beautiful family. Lord, please don't let them be ripped apart. ... so many voices. So much worry. It keeps going around and around in my mind. And in the background, I see him waiting. I hear him whispering. Why won't he step into the front and tell me what he has to say?

But it's in the back that he waits. He waits for me to choose to let go. He waits for me to still the worrisome voices. He waits for me to realize that all I have is him. All I have is his voice to calm the storms. So I let them go. My job, I give it to you. My daughters, I give them to you. Every situation that seems so impossible... I lay them at your feet. And it's then that he whispers.

Your future is secure.

Marie Mixner...a true inspiration

2009-11-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

I just got back from attending the funeral of our pastor's grandmother, Marie Mixner. Marie was 94 years old and although I just got to know her the last few years when she and her husband Albert moved to Nebraska, she has made a lasting impression on me.

Rewind to Mother's Day several years ago. A young woman in our church decided to put on a big event for Mother's Day, complete with a meal, a program, a video... it was a wonderful event! I was standing by Marie's table when she looked up at me and said, "Tracy, I'll bet you had something to do with planning this!" I quickly told her, "No, it was Sara... she planned the whole thing. I'm getting old and tired... time to let the younger girls do this stuff." She looked me straight in the eye and said, "What??!! Old and tired?? I was TWICE your age before I started slowing down!"

Keep in mind, I was probably 42 when I said that. But I realized it was true. She did stay active and serve well into her 80's. The other night Dan told me how Albert was still climbing up on the roof of their old church to fix things when he was in his 80's. The church had to MAKE him stop climbing up there! And that is the life of servanthood that Albert and Marie Mixner led.

They are an inspiration to Leonard and I. That's the kind of people we want to be... eager to serve, LOVING to serve. Never wanting to stop.

I don't think I'll ever be able to utter the words "I'm old and tired" again. I will follow Marie Mixner's example, as she followed Christ's.

Faith - Day 3

2009-11-05T08:59:00.000-08:00

The very day we found out Aaron's mom was denied for coming to the States for the wedding, Rachel found a quote (by Anne Lamott) on her facebook page that said when God is going to do something wonderful, He always starts with a hardship and when He's going to do something amazing, He starts with an impossibility.

Great timing? An encouragement from God to trust that he's going to do something amazing? I know it's possible it wasn't meant to have anything to do with our situation. And yet, in my heart of hearts it gives me hope. Yes, God can take an impossibility and turn it in to something amazing. I've seen him do it.

The other night I told my friend, Terri, that I know God does amazing things, because I HAVE SEEN many of them. Her reply? "God always does amazing things. We just think it's particularly great when they line up with what we want."

hmmmmm. That is certainly true. We tend to think things are especially amazing when we get what we want. But for me, I think it goes even deeper than that. I want to KNOW God. I want to really know him, and I want to believe all the things he wants me to believe. And when a situation like this arises where it has to do so much with relationship, everything I know about him tells me that surely he wants this as much as we do.

So then if he doesn't make a way for her to be here... if it doesn't happen... it's not so much about whether he does amazing things. I still know he does. The question that will keep me up at night is "Do I even know him?" When everything I think to be true turns out to be wrong... it makes me wonder if this relationship that I think is so very close is in fact lacking. He knows everything about me, but after all this time do I still not know him like I thought I did? That is the underlying fear.

Surely we spend our whole lives getting to know God, and still we only scratch the surface because there is more depth to him than is humanly possible to imagine. But the parts that I've seen, the love that I've known, the heart that has drawn us to him and to each other... I can't imagine that he wouldn't want to make a way for Aaron and his mom to finally be together on this special day. I can't imagine his heart would not be for the son who desperately wants to see his mom. Even Oprah, in all her limited humanness, would want that.

So my quest for faith has become this. A quest to know if I know God. A quest for him to show me more of himself, and to show me what to believe. My desire is to know you, Lord. Reveal yourself, reveal your heart, reveal your love.

I can't bring myself to believe this is the final word on the situation with Aaron's mom. I'm holding out for the amazing things that God will do.

Faith - Day 2

2009-11-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

Here I am in day 2 of trying to make peace with the fact that God didn't do things the way I expected him to. Honestly, I don't know why I even have a problem with it. There have been so many times that I've wound up being SO GLAD he did things differently.

But then there are those nagging times that I haven't been glad at all. Like with Doug & Jean laying in bed with their MS... in pain... day after day after day. I can't understand why he hasn't healed them from this horrible disease. What if this is one of those times?

I've already gone through the whole gamut of thinking of all the reasonable explanations for why he may have kept Aaron's mom from coming. Maybe the plane she would have taken was going to crash...etc., etc.

But most of all, I keep hoping that even though the situation looks more difficult than ever, he will still make a way. I daydream about the look on Aaron's face when he sees his mom for the first time in 6 years. And the joy on her face as she embraces the most adorable grandchildren in all the world. I just want her to be here. And God is all about relationships... so I can't help but believe he wants her here, too.

So that's how I will continue to pray and hope and believe. Somehow he will make a way. Somehow she will get here and it will be an amazing and wonderful reunion. For everything I know about his heart, I can't imagine that he wouldn't be as happy as we would be to see this happen.

Lord, I pray that you would do what you do best. The impossible.

Faith--the general, non-specific kind

2009-11-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Days like today make me wonder how deep my faith really is. Is there any depth or meaning to it at all? Or is it a very generic sort of faith? Let me back up a little bit.

I have no trouble having faith in God. I have faith that he will always be there for us. Faith that no matter what happens, good or bad, he will walk through it with us and we will be okay. I have faith that he knows what he is doing and we need to just let him do it. But that kind of blows to pieces my faith in the power of prayer.

Rachel & Aaron are getting married on December 5th. Aaron has not seen his mom since he was 16 years old. Because it would mean SO MUCH to Aaron to have his mom at the wedding, and to have her see her only grandchildren for the very first time, we spent the last few months lining up everything she would need to be able to get here for the big event.

There was a big obstacle to overcome in that Aaron's aunt on his dad's side (through a complex set of circumstances) had the deed to Aaron's mom's house. This is one of the things she really needed before she went to her meeting to see if she could come, because the big issue is if she is financially stable enough that they believe she won't just try to stay here. Amazingly, when Aaron's mom went to her to offer to somehow buy back the deed to the house, her heart softened and she just let her have it, free and clear.

Rachel's eyes were full of light as she confidently told Aaron that she believed God softened his aunt's heart, that no one else could have done that. She told him she knew at that point that God would make a way for his mom to be at the wedding. She had total faith that God would come through.

Up until today when Aaron's mom had the meeting and they denied her request to come. They consider her a flight risk because she doesn't have a lot of money. Rachel called me, crying. She knew how much Aaron wanted his mom to be here.

I assured Rachel that it's not over until it's over. They said she could get a lawyer and still try to come, so I said that's what we'll do. We'll get a lawyer. But I was so disappointed. I hate to put this in print, but I was disappointed in God. I know he will always take care of us. I know we will all be okay. But this meant so much to Aaron and Rachel, and they were counting on him to soften the hearts that needed to be softened, and to make a way where there was no way. I know God is not some genie in a bottle that just does whatever we want him to do. But Aaron & Rachel are young and just learning to put their trust in him. I thought he'd throw them a bone.

I know that sounds like I think God is mean... I really don't. I know he is a loving and kind God. I'm just struggling with some major disappointment here. My hope is that if we continue to pray and put our trust in him, he will still make a way for her to be here. But I'm afraid to tell Rachel and Aaron to trust that he will make a way.... just in case he doesn't. Because we all know he doesn't always do what we want him to do.

And this is where my dilemma is. I'm fine with just letting God do whatever he thinks is right. I trust that he is well-informed and knows the right thing to do. But where does prayer come into this? I don't even like the whole concept of having faith when we pray because then when it doesn't happen, it makes me question WHY we are supposed to have faith when we pray.

I wind up going back to my comfy place of having faith that God knows what he's doing and I need to trust him. But is that making excuses for God?? Is that my way of saying God is not moved by our prayers and we just need to be okay with that? I believe I serve a God who is big enough that he doesn't need us to make excuses for him when he doesn't come through. He is the God of the universe and he knows the best thing to do at all times.

....................but what do I tell Rachel and Aaron?
That is my question for God.

I'll keep you posted.

Caring About Today

2009-10-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

I think if we all stop and take a good look, there is a lot to love about today. A lot to treasure. A lot of things we may want to take the time to really live and absorb and make a part of ourselves. We get so busy sometimes hoping for the things that we don't have yet, that we miss some wonderful opportunities to experience life today.

I've been trying to make it a point to think about this every day. There are new people that have come into Leonard's and my life that I hadn't really taken the time to appreciate. Why are they in our lives now? What love and support can we offer in their efforts to be closer to Jesus?

We have a wedding coming up. We are thinking so much about the wedding day, I hadn't really taken the time to stand back and enjoy the excitement in my daughter's eyes today. Today we looked for jewelry, and the time we spent together doing it? I'll treasure it in my heart forever.

Every day our grandkids are coming up with something new. They're at the age where they're constantly discovering and learning... and then taking those things and making them a part of their own unique little personalities.

My oldest daughter, Jenelle, is going to college, majoring in English ed. It's easy to be so focused on where she's trying to get to that we miss how very blessed she is to be having the experiences she is having on campus every day. She has met so many people that never would have been a part of her life had she not taken on this adventure. Every relationship, every encounter, every experience that she has on the way to that degree is so very important.

Today is often rushed. How much can we get done? Who needs to be where? What time is it now? But oh, the joy when we choose to open our eyes and take the time to appreciate the things we're doing . . . and the people we're doing them with.

The Tired Boy

2009-10-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

This is my grandson, Ezekiel.

Rachel had to run out to pick up Aaron last night and she asked us to keep an eye on Ezekiel while he ate. One minute he was sitting in his booster chair eating his dinner as he does every evening, and the next he sat with his arm over his eyes, sound asleep. Not even budging. (And not looking terribly comfortable.) Sound asleep.

Doesn't it seem that kids know a little something about the importance of rest that we adults have lost touch with?

Expect God to Do Great Things

2009-10-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

I once heard faith defined as "expecting that God will do great things". (Not to be confused with "expecting that God will do what you want him to do") That particular definition is really inspiring to me.

God, by his nature, will do great things. If we will take the time to notice, I am convinced we will be able to identify daily great things he has done all around us. I am so inspired by this concept, I've asked my sister-in-law to make me a small sign to hang above our doorway. The last thing we will see as we leave the house in the morning is "Expect God to Do Great Things Today!" (A little reminder never hurts.)

Today Jenelle left town once again to head back to college in Minnesota. Before she left, I snapped a picture:

The man on the left? A devoted husband, father, and grandfather. He takes the time to be sure that all of us know we are loved and well cared for. Then there's Jenelle. Somehow going to a Christian college that no ordinary person can really afford, learning things about herself and the path God has for her. Rachel, with a husband and two children that she adores, and who adore her. Then little Ellie. No, she's not asleep. She's not even shy. It's her baby sense of humor! Every time I said I was going to take the picture, she'd lay her head down and pretend to be sleeping! She's funny already.

It's moments like these that I capture in my heart. Who needs a sign over the doorway? God has done great things today.

Preoccupied

2009-10-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

I've been a little pre-occupied the past few weeks. It's certainly not that God hasn't been doing a work in my life, because HE HAS!!! I feel like every day I'm more aware of how important it is to live life for things that are eternal rather than getting caught up with "worldly priorities". But you see, Rachel's wedding is coming up on December 5th, and as it gets closer and closer...
IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT!!!

If there is anything more wonderful than getting to help plan your daughter's wedding, I don't know what it is. If you want a sneak peek, here is their webpage www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RachelRamirez&AaronRamirez

The reception is going to be a "Winter Wonderland". And my favorite touch? The little hot cocoa bar. Or is it the firepit on the deck? Or the cheesecake? Or the white branches with little snowflakes hanging down inside vases with glowing light boxes? Maybe it will be the fabric hanging on the walls with the twinkling icy blue, pink and lavender lights behind it. Or the cocktail hour? With chips, salsa and blue margaritas? What fun! It's so hard to decide what my favorite part will be.

But it won't be hard on the 5th. Because I know the moment I see my baby girl in her beautiful gown, walking down the aisle. That's all that will matter to me.

Revelation

2009-10-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been filled with a series of personal revelations. Sunday was exceptional. We had a guest speaker at church and what he said pierced my heart right to the center. He was talking about people who were created to love and to have joy. Now obviously, we're all supposed to have love and joy... but he was talking about a specific gifting in this area. And he talked about how sad it is when someone loses it.

I felt like he was talking straight to me.

It's not that I walk around depressed or anything. But I know the difference. I know the difference in the way I am now as opposed to the time when I saw hope in every situation and always had encouragement to offer. Not out of obligation... but because I really believed good things were ahead. Then over the course of time different things happened that just made me feel like I needed to sit down. My whole Christian life I'd been jumping around cheering the world on. It was time to sit down.

I have still maintained great faith in God. And my love for him still runs deep. That's probably the only reason I was able to hear what He was saying to me. It's time to stand up. It's time to let my faith in Him shine again. It's time to remember the limitless possibilities of living life with God. And over the weekend I renewed my promise to God to live my life wholly for Him.

Then today it hit... financial problems, relational problems, work problems... I was drowning in problems. Doesn't it seem like this happens every time you renew a vow to God? I've heard people say the devil attacks you whenever you start to be a threat to him, but I don't think that was the case this time. I pulled up to a client's parking lot and asked God how I was supposed to go in there with a smile on my face. And then came the greatest revelation of them all. As one thing after another hit me today, I started to lose my joy. And as I sat in that parking lot, I heard God ask me, "So are you in, or aren't you?" And it all came spilling out... This Is Life. There will continue to be hardships, some big and some small, sometimes spread out and sometimes all at once. But either I'm in or I'm out. No ceilings where I say I trust you unless it gets this bad. Either I believe He is the King of Kings and I wholly give my life to Him, or I don't. When one thing after another hits me, will I still trust that He knows what He's doing? If I really trust Him, then I trust Him with everything. Everything.

And Lord, in answer to your question..... I'm in.

And She's Back at School...

2009-09-21T10:57:00.001-07:00

Jenelle came home from college to spend the weekend with us. It was such a wonderful, wonderful weekend which ended with the buffet at CiCi's. When it was time to hit the road again, she got the hug:

I've got to tell you, Ellie's hugs make it very hard to leave.

After the fall...me & Whitney Houston

2009-09-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a big Whitney Houston fan. Even though I've never met her, I have spent considerable time praying for her the last few years. Here was a woman who knew Jesus. She knew Him. But she fell, and she fell hard....... And all the world saw it.

I know from personal experience what it's like to have everyone you know see you fall hard. I can't imagine adding to that everyone who lives on the planet. I just watched her interview with Oprah yesterday and she was very open about how even when she was still in the midst of it all, she cried out to God to help her. She cried out for strength. And she loved Him so much and was so humbled by the fact that He still loved her and never left her. I can so relate to that.

I had a "vision" during the darkest time of my life. I was actually driving down the street and it was almost Easter. I was thinking about how foolish the religious leaders were to kill Jesus. Then I heard a voice within me say,

"I didn't die because of them. I died because of you."

I immediately saw in my mind Jesus collapsed on the ground on top of the cross. I was huddled over one of his outstretched arms, and was horrified to see I had a huge spike in one hand and a mallet in the other. As the sin of my life began to play before my eyes I began driving the spike into his hand. I was sobbing..... I didn't want to be doing that to him and I tried to stop. Yet something else would come to mind and I'd hit that horrible spike into his hand again. He would writhe in pain, and I would cry all the harder. I knew the pain I was causing him, and I knew he didn't deserve it. It was my sin. It should have been me. But I just continued to hurt him.

After what seemed like an eternity, I lifted my head and looked toward him. With horrible pain in his eyes, he was looking right at me. I was so ashamed and so, so sorry. I couldn't imagine what he must be thinking, yet I couldn't look away. He looked at me for the longest time.

What happened next completely changed my life. Of all the things he could have said to me right then, of all the things he could have said as I knelt there with a mallet in my hand . . . . . he looked into my eyes and said,

"You're going to make it."

I will never forget that moment. I began sobbing right there in my car. For the first time in a long, long time, I knew I was going to be okay. I was going to recover. I was going to make it. And it was because of Him. It was because of his great love.

Whitney Houston knew everyone saw her fall. Would they hate her? Would they reject her? She had no way of knowing. All she could do was fix her eyes on Jesus and stand up & start using the gifts he'd given her once again. She couldn't control people's reactions, and she didn't try to. I was sooooo happy to hear she came out with another cd, and I pre-ordered it so I could get it right when it came out. If you haven't heard the title track "I Look to You" check it out here ... it's an awesome song. And the really amazing thing? She said R Kelly wrote this song for her TEN YEARS AGO. Ten years ago, God knew how much she was going to need this song.

Way to go, Whitney.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-09-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

There's nothing worse than feeling like you're stuck and there is no way out. On an extreme level, I think of the Alfred Hitchcock story Final Escape.

In that story a killer goes to prison and eventually comes up with a scheme to bribe the prison mortician, whose responsibilities include carting out the corpses of dead prisoners, to help him escape. The prisoner was to climb into the coffin with the next dead prisoner and be buried alive. Later the mortician would come back to dig him out. The plan seemed to go well, but while laying in the coffin the prisoner starts to wonder why the mortician is taking so long. He strikes a match and to his horror, the dead body next to him is that of the prison mortician.

It still sends chills up and down my spine. Can you even imagine being stuck underground in a coffin knowing no one would ever come for you? Alfred Hitchcock came up with some twisted story lines, that's for sure. But this story in particular lends itself to a deep truth. Without hope, we will perish. And more people than we may think feel like they're laying in that coffin with no way out.

We've all met people who can't seem to find a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. A way out. An end to the suffering. Hope. And there is no greater despair than feeling like you're going to be stuck there for the rest of your life, alone and afraid. But that's the thing about God. He never meant for us to be alone. He never meant for us to be afraid. And He definitely never meant for us to be without hope.

He has provided a way out. For all who love Him and follow after Him... there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a hope that is so great, it swallows up the despair and the darkness, leaving its power over you completely broken. Even if there is no way out of the current situation, He has made sure there is a bright and shining light at the end of the tunnel. Whether it's disease we're finding ourselves having to deal with, or financial problems, or relationship issues... He has the light we need to make it through. Turn to Him. Turn to the light. And the current situation will lose its hold on you.

By the way, I've re-written the end of the Alfred Hitchcock story in my head so I can sleep better. He lights the match and sees the mortician, but instead of ending there he cries out to God. He confesses the sin of his life and cries out for forgiveness. And deep beneath the earth in that old box, a light shines. He sees the power of God for the first time in his life, and he begins singing praises to God.

And those beautiful, passionate, heartfelt praises continue until he meets Him face to face.

FAILURE: See Growth

2009-08-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

I had a thought today, and I'm just going to put it out there. I think the word "failure" should be completely wiped out of the English Language.

We've been talking a lot with our Small Group about how what we think and how we believe directly affects our ability to really live in the freedom we've been given. We have a lot of negative thinking inside our heads that has accumulated through many years, and it's going to take a conscious effort to change that thinking. It takes a conscious effort to choose to believe what God says rather than what we've been programmed for years to believe by the world. And as I was thinking about it today, I decided this would be a great place to start.

Failure. The word can make you cringe. No one likes to fail. And most people find it hard to recover from failure. At the very least, it causes you to become a little gun-shy when faced with trying something again. Worst-case, you climb into a hole and shut yourself off from the world vowing never to go through it again. I'm convinced it's because the world has taught us to look at failure all wrong.

If I were able to go into every dictionary and change one thing, I would list failure like this:

Failure: See Growth

How long have we been looking at failure as baggage we have to carry around? A black mark on our foreheads that makes us feel that we have to prove ourselves again? I don't believe God has ever looked at it that way. His focus has always been on growth. It's never what actually happened that matters, it's where you're going, where it leads you. Maybe Peter would have never been as passionate of a servant to Christ if he hadn't first denied him 3 times. Does that make his denial a failure or part of the process of growth?

It will take a conscious effort, as it does with changing anything in our deeply-held belief system, but I want to start a movement. This will be a movement where everything that was once labeled as a failure will now be celebrated as a process of growth. Every time we get the opportunity to grow, it should be celebrated! Buy a cake...invite some friends! Let's celebrate the knowledge we have today that we didn't have yesterday! REFUSE to look at anything that happens as a failure that pushes you back. CHOOSE to see it as growth that is moving you forward!

REFUSE and CHOOSE! Are you in?

Another handsome boy

2009-08-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

After spending a considerable amount of time in the back yard on my week off, I started noticing something. Our big, beautiful dog Kairo was becoming even bigger and more beautiful. People have told us he is a magnificent beast, and I knew he was a nice looking dog... but after some quality time with him that week I just thought, "Wow, look at you!" We have a chocolate lab, Jack, who follows me everywhere I go, so I notice what's going on with him a lot more. But Kairo... Kairo likes to stay outside. He likes to guard the house and chase the dangerous predators (squirrels, birds) out of the yard. We live across from a park, so he plants himself by the front of our fence and keeps guard all the night long to be sure no one is where they shouldn't be. (Our neighbors love him. They say he keeps the neighborhood safe.)

Then come morning, he comes inside so we can shower attention on him (totally on his terms) and cuddles up with us on the bed for awhile. But as soon as we get out of bed, he heads back outside.

We've been talking a lot about taking the time to appreciate what we have. So last night I looked into Kairo's big eyes and told him how much I appreciate how he watches over us. He looked at me for a few seconds, then turned his head to continue his watch.

After all, he's a magnificent beast. And he knows it.

He's such a little man...

2009-07-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

It's so amazing how one haircut can transform a little baby....

into such a little man..................

At the ripe old age of 7 months, Ezekiel's hair was in his eyes, and the dreaded task of getting him to hold still long enough for a haircut was no longer something that could be avoided. We were all apprehensive about what the end result would be, but .... could he be any cuter???!!!! (Although, does that second picture look like he's saying, "So, what did you do with my hair?")

And the bonus? Much to his dad's relief, people have stopped thinking he's a girl!! :o)

Comfort Zones are.... comfortable

2009-07-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

The next topic we are facing in our quest to figure out why we often don't live up to our God-given potential is the dreaded comfort zone.

Why is it so hard for us to venture out of our comfort zones? Sure, they're comfortable... but they aren't always preferable. They aren't as exciting, and they generally don't afford us the opportunity to reach for those dreams.

The definition of Comfort Zone according to wikipedia is: operating in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk. A comfort zone is a type of mental conditioning that causes a person to create and operate in mental boundaries that are not real.

Mental boundaries that are not real.... can you imagine that we actually live our lives within mental boundaries that are not real??? And that's not out of a Christian magazine...that's wikipedia!

It went on to say that even though there is anxiety outside the comfort zone, there is an optimum zone right outside the comfort zone where the level of anxiety actually increases performance, clarity, etc. If you move beyond that optimum zone, those traits rapidly decline... but right in the zone... you're shining, baby!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely against comfort zones. I think there are times we need to hang out there. There are good things in our comfort zones, just as there are good things in our homes. But we all know there is a serious problem if you're afraid to ever step foot out of your house, and maybe we should look at our comfort zones the same way.

As we venture out of that familiar zone and find a new level of performance and clarity that we didn't even know existed, I'm thinking it may expand those imaginary boundaries a little bit. And next time, we can venture out a little farther yet... expand, venture, expand, venture!

And at some point I think it would click. What a waste to just stay in the house when there's so much to experience outside!

Go ahead.... appreciate yourself!!!

2009-07-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to appreciate yourself? Within our small group, we focus a lot on being others-centered, but last week we talked in-depth about our lack of appreciation for ourselves. In fact, the general consensus was if you're critical of yourself, chances are you'll be critical of others.

Why is it we have such an easy time appreciating all of God's creation except ourselves? He created us just as we are. He gave us gifts and talents unlike anyone else's. Are you hearing what I'm saying? It's okay to take a good look at yourself and say, "I am beautifully and wonderfully made!"

This whole topic stemmed from the question: Why are we afraid to live up to our God-given potential? We have giftings, we have dreams, we have plans, we have limitless potential... but often times we're afraid to move. The burning question is WHY??

In our society we tend to focus on our failures and shortcomings, and at the forefront of our minds is an ever-growing list of all the things we need to do better. I read an interesting story of a baseball player who realized only AFTER a career-ending injury that he had spent his whole career beating himself up over the things that he didn't think he did well enough. He never took time to enjoy all the many things he did well. Only after his career was over did he realize he missed out on the joy of the game (and his life) because of his attitude.

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. We may have an amazing God-inspired idea. We may even find ourselves getting enthused about the possibilities as it fits right in with the giftings and passion that God has given us. But then somewhere along the line, it comes to a screeching halt. We remember what we perceive as past failures, and we use that information against ourselves. We are painfully aware of all the ways we may not measure up. We remember every hurtful thing that's ever been said to us. And we quit before we start. Without ever having tried to succeed, we chalk this up as another failure. Where we are today has a lot more to do with our thinking than with our potential.

The bottom line? We need to take time to think about all the things we have done well. We need to appreciate ourselves for continuing to persevere through tough times. We need to take the time to be really happy about who we are. We need to believe what God says.... and the key to believing God? Abide in Him. If we are consumed by the world, we'll believe what the world says. Only when we're consumed by God, do we begin to believe what He says.

One Glorious Week

2009-07-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

This picnic table was my best friend this week....

I took the week off of work (which is code for I worked from home). I probably did almost as much work as if I had been in the office, but it was so, so different. I woke up in the mornings and the first thing I did was go out to the back yard in my pajamas and sit at this picnic table. I watched the sun as it rose higher into the sky, and I talked to God. We talked and talked and talked. And I even did a lot of listening. I can't tell you how much I needed this week, and how revived I feel after spending so much one-on-one time with God.

My second favorite place is where you would find me in the evenings... sitting on our bench in the front yard with our tiki torches lit. This, of course, after we finished our family bike ride (which is always way farther than I think it should be). Every morning and every evening, nothing but peace.

And in between? Cranking the Praise & Worship music and cleaning the house. Catching up on projects I've wanted to get done, and one day when I was lucky... pushing Ellie higher and higher on her swing in the back yard!

I needed to remember life could be slow. It was like my own personal tailor-made retreat.

What a great week.

4th of July Fun!

2009-07-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

As my granddaughter, Ellie, and her cousin, Sebastian, will be quick to tell you, not everyone enjoys the loud fireworks. But quick to adapt to any situation, they donned their headphones and enjoyed the show!

Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to create the toddler sized "Snappers" that make just the right amount of noise and require no FIRE. What a fun holiday weekend watching two toddlers squeal with delight as they join in the celebration of a freedom they don't yet understand.

I Believe

2009-06-19T07:23:00.001-07:00

A friend sent this to me today (not sure who authored it), and I thought I'd pass it along. Although there may be room for debate on a couple of things, overall I think it's really inspiring....

I Believe

I believe...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I believe...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe...that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe...that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe...that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe...that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe...that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe...that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe...that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe...that my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I believe...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe...that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe...that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe...that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe...that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but, we are responsible for who we become.

I believe...that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe...two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe...that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe...that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything.

I hope everyone gets the opportunity to really live what you believe this week!

Give them grace and peace

2009-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

Last week Leo & I did a search on the New Living Translation site (for "peace" I think it was), and we wound up making an amazing discovery. I don't know exactly how many verses there were, but we found 3 PAGES of verses that had "May God give you his grace and peace" or something very similar. 3 PAGES!!! And not all from the same writer!

Now you could go with one of two opinions here. Either it was a quaint little saying of the time, or the writers really understood how much we need His grace and peace. We tend to lean toward the latter.

Since our Small Group topic was going to be about the things we strive for in life, this little discovery provided us with a fantastic closing for the night. After talking about all the things we spend our energy striving for in this world, we talked about this phrase that was used so many times throughout the New Testament. May God give you His grace and peace. Never "I hope you get that job you're wanting" or "I hope you wind up getting that house you liked so much".

May God give you His grace and peace.

Generally, the reason we strive for the things we do is to achieve peace in one way or another. What if we don't need what we thought we did to get that peace? What if He will just give us His peace? What if He just gives us the grace and the peace we need to walk through our situation as is? What if we don't need anything to change to get that peace we're longing for???

May God give you His grace and peace.

When the dust settles and the smoke clears, it's all we really need.

Pulling Away from the Crowd

2009-05-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

We went camping this past holiday weekend and I sure feel rejuvenated. It doesn't make sense, mind you, that I feel rejuvenated -- there was a lot of work involved and I STILL don't have everything put away from our return. But something about pulling away from the city and sitting out in the quiet countryside rejuvenates my soul. And for anyone who has ever enjoyed camping, I probably don't even need to mention the healing power of a hotdog roasted over a campfire. Absolutely miraculous.

Time stands still when you go camping. It doesn't matter when you get up, when you eat, when you nap... schedules are non-existent and totally unnecessary. And my favorite part of all? Talking. Talking while setting up the tents, talking while making dinner, talking while sitting around the campfire. We share so much of ourselves during these weekends... talking and listening, really hearing.

I should mention we aren't hard-core campers. We found a nice spot out in the pasture on Jerry & Rebekah's ranch, and Jerry mowed us a little trail to the house that led to the indoor bathroom. Real campers would scoff. We also had Jerry's horses nearby that Aaron saddled up a couple of times. There's nothing like a nice ride in the country to clear your mind and soothe your soul.

So, the 3-day weekend is over, but I find myself energized and ready to face life with a little more passion, creativity, and even a little more laughter than before.

Pulling away for awhile just does that to me.

Having Access

2009-05-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend, Terri, the other day about this incredible revelation I got. And, of course, the revelation came in time of crisis.

There was a terrible mistake made on an order for one of my clients last week. It was a really big deal. The mistake wasn't my fault. In fact it was out of my control. But as the distributor, even if it's beyond my control the responsibility rests with me. A control-freak's nightmare, to be sure.

I skipped Small Group on Wednesday night because I desperately needed some alone time with God. Then I holed up in the basement and I prayed. I cried out to God, I wrote to God, I read comforting passages from the Bible. I cried out to God again. And it seemed I kept coming back to the same plea: "Lord, please give me wisdom to deal with this. Give me wisdom that's beyond my own abilities. Give me Your wisdom."

And you know what? Out of nowhere came this amazing peace and clarity. I knew what I needed to do. A mere thirty minutes before that, my head was spinning. I had NO IDEA what I should do. I believe God gave me His wisdom to use... and was I ever grateful. I slept well that night and woke up in a great mood. I knew what I needed to do, I went to work and I did it. And everyone involved was very pleased with the outcome.

The most important thing about all of this is I learned something about God that I really didn't understand before. I'm sure I've asked for wisdom from Him before, maybe in a more generic sort of way. And I guess I knew (again in a generic sort of way) that what He has is ours. But I don't think I've ever experienced such an incredible one-to-one exchange with Him. It was literally like walking up to Him and saying, "Can I borrow your fluffy pillow?" and Him saying, "Oh, sure... here you go." I've had plenty of one-on-one encounters with Him (which I do LOVE!) but an exchange like this? I'm not sure I've ever had one... at least it sure didn't impact me like this. This whole experience has opened my eyes once again to the depths of His love. He is always, always there for me.

And you know what? I fell in love with Him all over again that night.

It's easy to be sad on a gloomy day

2009-05-04T06:45:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be sad on a rainy, gloomy day? Maybe I should have been a farmer, so I could learn to appreciate it more. But instead I sit here with an attitude similar to the children of Israel, who got so tired of seeing (and eating) manna.

Manna was a miraculous provision for a very LARGE group of people. And, similarly, rain is a very necessary provision for us. Aside from all the "we would all die without it" attributes, rain makes everything beautiful. Many of the things I love are the way they are because of rain. The green grass, beautiful trees and flowers, even the lakes (if you can really call them that in Nebraska)... the rain helps them to be what they are. I should welcome the rain. I should rejoice in the rain. And I think I really could....

if only it didn't bring such gloominess. If only it could rain while the sun is shining brightly.............

Oh, how quickly I forget. The sun IS shining. It never, ever stops. If I got on a plane right now and flew above these dreary clouds, I would find the sun shining just as brightly as always.

And I have to think... maybe it's good for us now and then to remember we can believe in more than what we see.

The grass is greener if you love what you have!

2009-04-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I let myself slip into the place where I don't fully appreciate what I have. Today was one of those days.

I was sitting at work just wishing I could go home, wondering why I couldn't win the lottery and spend the rest of my life vacationing. And then it hit me. I have everything I've ever wanted. Not just some of it... ALL of it!

From the time I was a little girl, all I wanted was to get married and have a family. I wanted a home that we could fill with memories. I wanted to experience real family life, real love.

I remember after the girls were born I was working full-time and praying every day in my journal that somehow I could stay home with them. Within a couple of years, God answered that prayer. I even got to Homeschool them for a year... what an incredible experience! And now I have a job where I actually get to work with my husband every day. We get the opportunity to build lots of new relationships, and we have an incredibly flexible schedule where we can make time to volunteer at City Impact, help with church events, or be there for our family when they need it. What an amazing place we are in right now.

And there I sat, wishing for something else. For a moment, I thought the grass might be greener elsewhere. But then I realized it's lush and green right here where I am. I just need to open my eyes.

Living Life Purposefully

2009-04-16T12:49:00.001-07:00

I've heard a lot about living life purposefully in the last year or so. Or maybe I've heard it all along but I'm paying closer attention now. It seems like every day I live, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that there are things that just don't matter much and other things that will matter forever. Sometimes we're in tune to that, and sometimes we're not.

We talked in our small group last night about what brought us to the point that we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives near God. I don't know if you would find the same statistics in every group, but seven out of eight of us realized how desperately we needed God in the midst of crisis. If you let it, crisis can really give you clarity.

Remember 9/11? Churches were filling up. Have you ever attended the funeral of a young person? People are acutely aware of the things that really matter. Crisis tends to bring you to the place where you realize you have nowhere to turn but to God. You can't fix it. No one can help you. What you've done all your life no longer works.

Although those times are generally some of the most painful we could ever experience, they can also become the most profound. It is at those times that many realize there is one... and only One... who can help us. There is only one who can comfort us. There is only one who can see us through to a clearer and more meaningful life. And the best part of all?

After all this time, He's standing there with open arms.

Writing our stories....

2009-04-07T14:42:00.001-07:00

I'd like to share a little excerpt from an e-mail I received this morning:

You are writing a story with your life. Think of the days like pages and the years like chapters. What is the theme of your story? What is the plot, and who are the main characters?
What pieces of your story are working, and which aren't? How does your story inspire others; what do people learn from it?
If you continue on the current course, how will your story turn out? (Dondi Scumaci)

Have you ever really thought about how much our decisions, attitudes, beliefs, and actions affect our life stories? I love thinking about it. I'm not just living day to day, I'm creating a story with my life. What do I want the theme to be? Who do I want to play leading roles? What adventures do I want to be sure are included?

We have a tremendous amount of input on the stories of our lives. I know we're pre-destined by God, and I don't pretend to understand where one begins and the other ends, but I know we have a lot of control over the direction our lives take. Think about it. We get to choose most of the characters we let become part of our world. Most of our story lines are shaped by choices we've made or even by responses we've had to things that were beyond our control.

And the beautiful thing is... if something isn't working, we can make choices to change it. We don't always have control over how long it will take, how difficult it will be, or even if we'll reach our final destination. But we have total control over how hard we'll try, when we'll give up, what our attitude will be along the way. AND we can weave in as many sub-plots as we want, and declare as many victories as we want along the way! It's our story. It's our lives. These should be the most creative manuscripts of all.

Don't ever be ungrateful....

2009-04-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the year, I posted my New Year's Resolution above my computer. I vowed to live life more slowly, enjoy each moment. And I ended with an italicized "And don't ever be ungrateful" so I would be especially careful to guard against this particular state of mind that tends to creep in ever so quietly.

Whenever I make a point of stopping to think about all that God has given us, my heart overflows with gratitude. We feel so blessed to have Him in our lives. We feel so blessed to have all our family and friends. We feel so blessed to get to experience life in this world and see all the creativity He's used in laying it all out. But all too often, that's not what I stop to think about. I spend more time than I'd like to admit thinking about all the deadlines, responsibilities, scheduling conflicts, and other demands of life. And what happens to that heart that's so full of gratitude? It gets buried somewhere in the bottom of it all. And all I really "feel" is pressure.

That is exactly what I wanted to learn to overcome when I so carefully taped my New Year's Resolution on the wall 3 months ago. And to some degree, I'd say it's working. When I start feeling weighed down by all the pressure, I now recognize it as an early-warning sign. Kind of like the tornado siren going off before the tornado gets here. And the little voice in my head (the rest of you do hear little voices, don't you??) says, "Don't ever be ungrateful." Don't ever be ungrateful.

Those words snap me back into reality. He has given us so much. Things that really matter.

And the last thing I would ever want is for Him to think that I'm not grateful.

Birthday Week

2009-03-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

It's the week of my birthday!!! YAY!!!!

I love my birthday! (I may have mentioned that last year.) Certainly I don't require gifts, but on the week of my birthday I require lots and lots of attention! Now, I have never, ever moped around because someone didn't give me enough attention. That never happens, because I don't sit around waiting to see if people remember. I don't want the burden to be on them. So I announce it daily, sometimes two or three times a day. And let me tell you.... when you announce your birthday there are always PLENTY of people willing to smile and wish you a Happy Birthday! It's like the cheery Christmas season, only IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! (uh, sorry, Jesus.)

Now before everyone thinks I doth exalt myself too high, that's not the case! God knows that I know He's the one that belongs on the throne. It's just nice to have that one time a year that people celebrate that you're here. It's nice to have so many smiles directed toward you. It's nice to feel appreciated.

So this post is dedicated to birthdays! And I'd like to tell each of you how much I appreciate the fact that you're here... but I'll have to tell you next week.

Because did I mention this week is my birthday????!!!!!!

The Message

2009-03-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

John 4: 49 - 53
The official pleaded, "Lord, please come now before my little boy dies." Then Jesus told him, "Go back home. Your son will live!" And the man believed what Jesus said and started home. While the man was on his way, some of his servants met him with the news that his son was alive and well. He asked them when the boy had begun to get better, and they replied, "Yesterday afternoon at one o'clock his fever suddenly disappeared!" Then the father realized that that was the very time Jesus had told him, "Your son will live." And he and his entire household believed in Jesus.

What a miraculous thing Jesus did for them. Totally life-changing. Life-saving. No doubt the parents were forever indebted to Him. And the son... I'm sure the parents told him the story over and over again of how Jesus saved his life. What an amazing testimony.

But as I was reading this passage today, the thought that came to me was, "I wonder what became of this family."

We all know how the passing of time can cause the bright light to dim a bit, the excitement to wane, the details to get fuzzy. Especially as the story reaches through the generations and becomes "Your great-great-grandfather was healed by Jesus" and even "You have an ancestor who was healed by Jesus." At that point, instead of being life-changing, it sometimes ranks as merely "interesting".

The biggest challenge for the disciples seemed to be convincing people that Jesus really was the Messiah. In contrast, most of the people I come into contact with really don't have a problem believing Jesus is the Messiah. Their biggest problem is believing it's somehow relevent to them. What happened back then is interesting. And they can see how exciting it would have been at the time. But somehow it's not very exciting now. The impact has lessened. It was just too long ago.

Now, I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT saying the message of the gospel is irrelevent. I'm just saying that for a large percentage of the people I talk to, it's not hard for them to believe Jesus is the Messiah, that He came to save us. It's just hard for them to really make that connection of what it means in their own lives. So my question is, how do we deliver the message effectively? It may have been a long, long time since He was here on earth, but Jesus is alive and well. He still cares and He's still paying close attention. He really is near, and He really will make a difference.

And that's what seems to be so hard for them to believe.

A Handsome Fellow

2009-03-10T07:05:00.001-07:00

Ezekiel was dedicated at church on Sunday. Can you believe they make such adorable outfits for 3 months old babies??? My friend Michelle said he doesn't even look like a baby. He looks like a short toddler. Must be the hair!

Ellie was the proud big sister... she loves her Baby 'Zekiel. Actually, it was a great moment for the whole family. Just had to share the pictures.

But it hasn't happened yet.....

2009-03-02T09:11:00.001-08:00

My friend Terri and I were talking the other night about how much time we waste worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. The media is terrifying people with the doom and gloom of what MIGHT be ahead. What if we lose our jobs? What if this recession becomes as bad as the Great Depression? What if we lose the security we have now?

I'm not saying none of this could happen. I'm just saying there will be plenty of time to worry about it AFTER it happens... why ruin all the perfectly good days we have up until then? Who knows how many really GREAT days we have ahead! I'm all for making the most of them. PLUS... I grew up watching the Walton's. Sure, times were tough but they seemed to make it through okay. They had each other, and times were SO tough that they realized that was all they really needed.

Things could change. It could happen. But I'd like to think that we are a resilient people that can make the best of any situation. Worrying about what COULD happen is always so much worse than actually going through it. I don't know how many people I've heard say that if they had known ahead of time what they had to face they would never have thought they could make it. But once things are in motion, we find out maybe we're not as weak as we think we are. Maybe we aren't victims... maybe we're overcomers! Maybe we're about to find out that the very best days are ahead for us because we get to see what we're really made of!

Please understand I am certainly not trying to minimalize the pain some people have already gone through with losing their jobs or their homes. And I'd be lying if I said thoughts of terror didn't flit through my head from time to time when I think about the fact that if our company goes down, Leo and I BOTH lose our jobs. I understand it could happen, and I understand it could be hard. I know there is pain involved. I just have great hope that we can rise above it. I have great hope that if all we have left is a shiny dime in our pocket and a family we love, it will be enough. It doesn't have to be easy for us to find our way through. It doesn't have to be easy for us to live a great life.

I realize it's good for ratings and maybe sells more papers, but Doom & Gloom is not the place I want to live. I choose to believe that no matter what happens, we will find great things ahead.

FOCUSING

2009-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have come to believe that what you focus on can completely change your life. So, in a very real sense I guess I believe we get to choose whatever we want our life to be. We can have a very difficult life, or we can live happily ever after. We get to choose! You'd think it would be such a no-brainer, and yet as with most other topics, it's not quite as easy as it sounds.

The farther I get on this journey, the more the truth sinks in. I can't necessarily control my circumstances. I can't always control what happens to me. But what I CAN control is how I respond. I can control my outlook on life no matter what comes my way.

Or at least I'm learning to.

When I was young, absolutely every negative thing that happened in my life threw me into a tailspin. As the years have gone by, I've learned that no matter what happens, we get through it. It isn't always easy, but more often than not, we learn valuable things along the way. So through the years I've learned to stop myself more and more often when I begin to slide into that tailspin, and I remind myself of what's important.

1. I have a wonderful family. And even if (God forbid) something happens to one of them, because of what Jesus has done for us, I still have them.

2. My life, my destiny is in the hands of a kind, loving (and really quite whippy) God. He knows exactly what He is doing. And He knows me better than I know myself.

3. Life has twists and turns, but God continues to be steady. He has strength when I'm weak. He can see when I can't. He knows things I don't know. And He understands all of it.

4. God has given us a gift of life... the chance to have all kinds of wonderful experiences. We can see amazing things and meet amazing people. His infinite creativity has given us infinite possibilities!

What a waste it would be to get all caught up in the negative.

The Choice

2009-02-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

My friend, Karolynn, forwards me The Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional every day. I actually look forward to it because it almost always inspires me in one way or another. Today's devotional was especially timely... it was about surrendering to God.

I'm sure we've all heard it before. We know. We need to surrender EVERYTHING to God. What a good idea. But not so easy, my friends. It would seem that every time I think I have surrendered absolutely everything I possibly could to God, something pops up that I see I'm still trying to maintain control over. I've resigned myself to the fact that this is a lifelong process. Surrender what you can, discover even more you can surrender, and learn to surrender that. The processes don't annoy me like they used to. I've finally realized the great value in the time it takes to get from Point A to Point B.

But what I really want to talk about is one specific line that was in this devotional. It was talking about how if you don't surrender to God, you surrender to something, whether it be popular opinion, to money, to resentment or fear, or to your own pride, lust, and ego. Then came the line:

You’re free to choose what you surrender to, but you’re not free from the consequences of that choice.

Because I was in the particular frame of mind I was in this morning, that line pierced me at the very center of my being. I'm in kind of a strange place. First of all, I am PMS-ing and that is not a small thing for me these days. At least one week a month I can look forward to feeling like the whole world is going to crumble around me. My doctor asked if I thought I needed medication, but I told him that so far I can get through it just by realizing it's that one horrible week and that what I am feeling is not real. Everything won't really fall apart. It's just feelings.

Add to that some deflating news I got about work. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say it took some of the wind out of my sails. (And keep in mind there wasn't much of a breeze to start with because I'm PMS-ing.) There has been a real temptation the last 24 hours to just surrender to the feelings of hopelessness, despair, sadness.

You’re free to choose what you surrender to, but you’re not free from the consequences of that choice.

Then came that line. I could surrender to these feelings. I'm free to do that. But what kind of consequences would there be? Nothing good could come of it. I've been down the path of depression once in my life and it's not somewhere I care to revisit. And who would want to entertain thoughts of despair even if they didn't lead to full-blown depression? Life is too short for that. There are too many good things all around us to enjoy.

So, that one line snapped me out of it. Oh, it's still "that week". But my thoughts are back to being more healthy. This PMS-y week will end, and life is still good. God is in control of my destiny, and I'm in good hands. I have so much to be grateful for and these temporary feelings of sadness cannot take that away from me.

I choose to surrender to God.

Finally, my head above water....

2009-02-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

We spent the whole first week of February in Dallas, TX for work. (Hey, Amy! Love your city!) Then we spent the second whole week of February trying to recover from spending the first week of February in Dallas. It was a crazy couple of weeks. We are lucky enough to have jobs that we can do from wherever we are. However, we have yet to learn to do it very efficiently. We'll just chalk it all up as a valuable learning experience (and hopefully we'll be able to use a little of that new knowledge to make it just a little easier next time)!

At any rate, we're back. And life is good! We had some good friends who just had a baby boy Wednesday, then Brad and Jess just had their little boy, Hutton, early this morning! He was supposed to be a Valentine's baby but he came 2 hours and 45 minutes late for that. Of course he is one of the most adorable little men I've ever seen in my life! Pictures to come!

Last night we kept Ellie and Ezekiel overnight so Aaron and Rachel could celebrate Valentine's Day. I realized a couple of things. 1. We don't have quite the same energy we used to have. 2. I would use my last ounce of strength on these two and never have any regrets.

Things are a little different at our house than they are at home. At home, Ellie can entertain herself in her room. At our house, she says, "Grandma, play with me." My heart melts, and I play with her. I understand the value of sitting and playing so much more than I did when I was young. And I have the luxury of being able to do that more easily because I don't have all the responsibilities I had when I was raising my own kids. It's such a peaceful time of life, full of so much joy.

Next entry, maybe I'll have something to say with a little more substance. But for now, I'm just so glad to be home, and so happy to have such a wonderful family. It's really all I can think about.

Still Talking about Trust

2009-01-31T16:46:00.000-08:00

I just found out this past week that our good friends from North Carolina (originally from Africa) may not get to come back to Nebraska because of the budget cuts at UNL. In fact, they said right now they are just hoping to stay in the U.S. Boy did that ever take some wind out of my sail. Right after we got the news, Leonard and I were eating lunch in our break room. Leonard sat there with a thoughtful look on his face, then said, "This is why we have trouble trusting God."

We talk about that a lot in Small Group. God has proven himself time after time after time to be faithful, loving, and kind. He knows exactly what He's doing. Why do we have such a hard time trusting? And this was a prime example. Since the day our friends sat on our porch in 2004 and broke the news to us they were leaving for North Carolina, we have been anxiously awaiting their return. Through many tears we said our good-byes, knowing the hope that they would be back again would be what sustained us. Lincoln, Nebraska is where they belong. We have become family.

And just like that it feels like all our dreams have been shattered.

Emphasis on "feels like". I have to remind myself that over and over again God comes through. How many times have I had to look back and say, "Well, God, I wouldn't have gotten so worked up about it if I'd have known you were going to work everything out like that." We love these friends deeply. But I know God loves them more. And I know He's paying close attention to what is happening in their lives. And He cares very deeply about the outcome. I know they will be okay because they have a very powerful and loving God on their side. It really doesn't make the ache in my heart go away, but what I want more than anything else for them is the very best God has to give. And He is the only one who knows how to do that. So we're right back to it. Trust. Learning to trust. Learning to believe He is paying close attention. Learning to believe He really cares.

I wonder why it's so hard to believe our lives matter so much to Him. That will be a whole new Small Group topic.

Illegal Immigration

2009-01-23T12:42:00.001-08:00

Okay, I've talked myself out of it for a really long time. But now I'm going to take the plunge. I'm going to talk about the sizzling hot topic of Illegal Immigration. And I'm not going to take the popular stance.

I guess I should start off by saying that certainly I don't keep up on all the economic implications and I can't spout off statistics as many can. But I can say I've seen impressive statistics to support whichever side of the debate you choose to be on. That's something that has always amazed me... how you can find statistics to back up whatever you want to believe. I read a quote once that said people generally don't form opinions based on the facts, they look for facts to support the opinions they already have. And this is definitely one of those areas where you see people doing that. Any fact presented that supports their opinion, they hold on to. If it doesn't, they send it on its way.

My opinion on this matter has never changed, but it has become a lot more passionate since I now have a son-in-law who is an illegal immigrant. Before you all fall off your chairs, we have filed all the papers to try to get him on the road to becoming legal. But it pains me along the way to have to read and hear such hateful things being said about illegal immigrants, and him.

The people spewing hatred... they have never met Aaron. But would it matter? Would it matter to them that he came here when he was 16 years old, alone and afraid, in order to be able to work hard and send money to support his mother and sisters? He gave up life as he knew it and came into a country where he couldn't even speak the language. He worked hard to learn the language, and he went through things that most of us would be unwilling to go through. Yet we let our pampered selves sit back and judge these people for attempting to live a better life. How dare they? This isn't their lot in life. It's not their place to live as well as we do.

And what is it we did to deserve our good life? We were lucky enough to be born here. I wonder how many of these people that are so worried about their tax money would change their tune if they were born into REAL poverty.

Now, I don't have my head buried in the sand. I know that not every illegal immigrant that enters our country comes with good intentions. I know there are some who come to deal drugs or to live off welfare. But I personally know of a lot of them who DID NOT come for that reason. Because I know this, I think it's crazy to try to come up with one blanket solution that will fit all illegal immigrants. If they get convicted for dealing drugs... ship them out of here! There's no need to tolerate such things. But if they have come to try to build a better life, who are we to take it away from them? That goes against everything I believe in.

I've heard it said many times that if they want to come over here, they should do it legally. I'm sure it would be much nicer for them if they could. But the truth is, most of them can't. If they don't sneak over here, they won't be allowed to come here at all.

About 3 years ago, one of these illegal immigrants met my daughter, and they are now married and have two beautiful children. When my daughters were young, Leonard & I tried to sell them on the idea of letting us pick out their spouses. Of course, they didn't go for it. But I can tell you if we had searched the world over for the perfect husband for Rachel, we could not have found a better man than Aaron. He is a hard worker, a loving father, and a kind and gentle husband. (Funny, too... that's important in our family!) We love Aaron as if he is our very own son. And it hurts my heart to hear all the terrible things being said about him just because he isn't here legally.

Aaron makes good enough money to take care of the family, but he does not have insurance available to him. Under any other circumstance, I would tell Rachel to get the kids on Medicaid until they can get insurance... just in case something bad happens. But instead, they are living without insurance because we don't want to feed the scorn of the people who think illegal immigrants are costing them money. Of course, the kids are citizens, as is Rachel. But people already have their biases and I don't think it would matter. If they could lump Aaron and Rachel into their statistics and make them fit into the opinion they already have, they would do it. So we do what we can to pay the doctor bills without insurance, and pray that nothing serious happens along the way.

I guess I write all this just to say, I don't get it. I don't understand how we can be so hateful to a whole group of people. I don't understand how we can be so worried about our money being used to benefit others, especially when we live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. I don't understand being selfish and greedy.

I just want the whole world to meet Aaron. Because I think knowing him would warm a lot of cold hearts.

And my 2nd post is dedicated to....

2009-01-22T10:57:00.001-08:00

I don't generally do 2 posts in one day, but I know you guys are just dying to see how Ezekiel is looking at the ripe old age of 6 weeks! Don't his eyes just melt your heart???

Gifts vs. The Lottery

2009-01-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

We were talking last week in our small group about winning the lottery. Who hasn't dreamed about what they would do if they won the lottery?? Of course, we'd pay off our house, any bills, etc. and drive a better car. We'd pay off the church and build the addition. We'd do some AMAZING traveling! But one of the funnest things about winning would be getting to help our friends and families. We think about the looks on people's faces as we start handing each of them $100,000 or $200,000 to help them pay off their own houses (or buy their first one!) How exciting it would be to be able to help so many people!!! We have absolutely no intention of remaining millionaires. There are plenty of ways to use the money up, then we'll go back to our normal lives. Because really.... we like our normal lives.

Then we got to thinking about what God has already given us. Each of us has some amazing gifts that God has chosen to pour out on us. Gifts that are far more valuable than any amount of money. Why is it we don't spend much time dreaming about how exciting it would be to freely give these gifts to our friends? Is it possible that we don't really understand that these gifts are FAR more valuable than any amount of money? When we freely offer to hand out these gifts, we give gifts with eternal significance. We give gifts that will REALLY make a difference in people's lives.

Gifts that last forever.

If we really understood that, I think we'd get a lot more excited about sharing our God-given gifts than we would about sharing any amount of money. Not that we wouldn't still share our lottery winnings. We live in the world, and let's face it... money comes in handy here. But how much more exciting is it to give something bigger, more meaningful, more permanent! We left our small group encouraging each other to pay closer attention, and I want to pass that same encouragement on to you. Whatever your giftings are, they are yours to freely give! Use them! Touch lives with them! Make a difference like only you can! Don't be afraid to get a little excited about it! God has poured out some amazing riches on you. And it's only right that you want to share.

She still seems so close....

2009-01-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

We took Jenelle to Minnesota on Thursday and left on Friday without her. Nothing seemed right about that. In fact, I asked Leonard through a flood of tears, "If this is the right thing to do, then why does it feel so wrong?" I don't think there is anything that could have made me feel good about driving away from ANYWHERE knowing we were leaving our daughter behind.

But here we are yet again in a brand new situation. We have a daughter who lives in a different state. 6 1/2 LONG hours away. I have to admit it took me a couple of days to come to grips with it. But today was her first day of classes and we've talked to her on the phone a couple of times already. I can hear in her voice that she is having the time of her life. She has made lots of friends already, she has gotten through her first day of classes without a hitch, and she is thoroughly enjoying the whole campus atmosphere.

Hearing the enthusiasm in her voice and knowing that these are the life experiences that are going to cause more growth in her than ever before somehow makes it easier. She is moving on with her life. She has real goals and a real plan to reach them. She doesn't need me to take care of her anymore--she's totally capable of taking care of herself. She's not my baby girl anymore, but she is an amazing and talented woman whom I deeply admire.

That makes her seem much closer.

Where Life Makes Sense

2009-01-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

Life is so full of worries. And yet we're not supposed to worry about them. Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. That's really good advice. It is very calming to stop and pray about everything and realize that you can leave it all in the capable hands of the God of the Universe. But sometimes it's just not very practical.

Jenelle is leaving for college on Thursday. I have been going around and around with the people in the school office trying to find out how much we're going to owe (to the tune of thousands of dollars, people). Here it is three days before we leave and I still don't know how much we're supposed to pay. Terri's son goes to the same college and she said they didn't let them know how much they owed until he had been there for two weeks, then the first payment was due 2 weeks later. Now, that may work fine for Donald Trump, but we kind of need to know what is going to be coming out of our paychecks. And even though this is a Christian college, when the time comes for that first payment I don't think they'll be very comforted by the fact that we've prayed about it and we're confident the God of the Universe will work it out.

These little quandaries pop up all the time. Pray about it, trust God, but in the meantime be sure something gets done about it. And you get enough of these things going on at one time... it can really throw you into a tailspin.

That's why I am so thankful for my comfy bed, because that, my dear friends, is where life makes sense... laying in my comfy bed, in my comfy room with Jack the chocolate lab cuddled up beside me. Oh, I know the day is coming. And I know it will have its challenges. But at those moments, as I lay there in the quiet, I just know God is in control. Those are the times I quit trying to figure everything out. Those are the times God finally gets me to be quiet enough that I can hear His voice. And those are the times I remember that even if nothing ever worked out right again, everything would be okay because I have Him near me, and that's all I need. It brings clarity, and preserves my sanity.

Quiet times with God are a necessity. I suspect in all those times when Jesus went off to be alone, He was heading for his comfy bed. You have to take time to stop the craziness. To let life be simple again. To connect with God and the things that really matter. To relax and enjoy His company.

Pray about everything. Don't worry about anything. TRUST.

It all seems so possible from my comfy bed.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-30T08:13:00.001-08:00

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. Actually, it's more like I don't believe in SAYING I believe in New Year's Resolutions . . . and it's usually right before I make one.

In reality, this time of year I tend to become extremely reflective. I think about the past year and everything that's happened, good and bad. I mean . . . I KNOW there were some bad things. But it seems like when it gets to the end of the year, I can only remember the good. A new son-in-law, a new grandson, a new college destination, a trip to Galveston, even the girls' new apartment I lamented about last February turned out to be a wonderful adventure. We had a good year. But this is where I shift effortlessly from reflecting to envisioning.

I have so many hopes for the new year! Of course, I'm a dreamer by nature. I can imagine so many amazing things happening to Jenelle while she's away at school. I can picture the joy and laughter in Rachel and Aaron's home as the kids begin to grow and continue to develop those little personalities. And I know this year's vacation will not disappoint! (See past blogs attesting to how much our family LOVES vacation!) Although we won't be able to go far (college expenses compounded with wedding expenses) we will go where we can and we'll love it. And I'm dreaming even now about what fun we'll have on the journey as well as the destination.

Of course, there are things I want to change. Areas I hope Leonard and I can grow in. But I don't think those are my New Year's Resolutions. This year, my resolution is simply to live life more slowly.

Enjoy the moment.

Breathe in contentment and slowly exhale a deep appreciation for life as it is today. Right here and right now. Don't miss a moment. And don't ever be ungrateful.

Life has its ups and downs. But what a life we've been given. As I look back at the relationships we've gained through the years, I realize that we are the people we are today because of the impact our friends and family have had on us. We are so incredibly blessed by the relationships we've been given.

And this next year -- the year 2009 --

This is the year we bask in it.

And me without a Plan B

2008-12-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

After reading Serenity's post from yesterday, I was absolutely inspired. I determined in my heart that we would go directly home and take family pictures for Christmas! I had been kind of dragging my feet about it since our immediate family (those living under our roof at this time) consisted of Leonard, me, and the boys. Not the cute little expressive boys you can see in Serenity's pictures, but ....yes.... our dogs.

Now, since I've been staying at Rachel's the past week to help with the baby, we can suffice it to say the boys were EXTREMELY excited to see us when we got home. I immediately called my mom to come over and take pictures, beings how they were in such a good mood and all. Then came the pose. We could get them to sit nicely, but as soon as we would sit down by them they immediately would roll to their backs for a belly rub:

So we thought the best bet would be to keep them on their feet... but Kairo, being the big boy he is, can reach a long, long ways to get what he felt was some much needed attention.

Treats! Treats may work. If only mom had the camera on the other side of the room and could hold the treats at the same time.

Can you see the hopeful look on my face as if I believe we can somehow hold them down and convince them to turn their faces toward the camera for a beautiful candid shot?

And if you can believe it, Mom actually said of the following picture, "This one really isn't too bad!" Really, Mom? Aside from the fact that you can't even see Leonard's face, Kairo is hogging the whole shot, Jack just wants his belly rubbed, and I look like if we try even one more picture I may just burst into tears or have some sort of serious breakdown?

So, all that to say, there won't be any cute little pictures with our boys . . . but we still offer the very warmest of Holiday Wishes to all of you! Have a BLESSED CHRISTMAS and NEW YEAR! From Leonard, Tracy, and the boys!

The Shack

2008-12-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading the book The Shack by William P. Young.

There are so few books I've read that have had this kind of impact on me that I just had to blog about it.

I was warned by a lot of people before I started reading this that there were a lot of things that may challenge my theology or that I may just flat-out disagree with. However, I found that the challenges were relatively few and I was actually quite intrigued/excited by many of the ideas Young presented.

Here is the description of the book as found on Christianbook.com:

"Mack" Philips took his three children on a family camping trip while his wife visited her sister. Just as they were about to leave the campsite, the two older kids decided to take a last canoe ride before heading home. As their canoe overturned, and Mack went to help them, his back was turned and the unspeakable happened. Mack's youngest daughter, Missy, was abducted by a known child predator. After a massive search, evidence of Missy showed up at an abandoned cabin. Although they never found her body, everyone knew the worst had happened. For the next four years "a great sadness" fell over Mack and his family, until a note from God showed up in his mailbox. What happens next will move you to a greater understanding of God's unfailing love for us all.

Now, without giving too much away, Mack did go back to the Shack and had the encounter of his life with The Father (Papa), Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I absolutely love the way they were portrayed... so genuine, so loving, so completely UN-religious. I can see where these portrayals might be hard for some to get past at first (God was actually a woman) but for me, a fan of Joan of Arcadia, it was easy to imagine God in all forms.

The really amazing thing for me was that, although it doesn't supply you with a lot of answers, by the time you close the back cover you are left with the feeling that everything is okay. No matter how good, how bad, how disappointing and even tragic things can become... God is aware and He cares deeply. What I am left with is a deepened sense that I just want to live my life near God. I want to be more aware than I have been in the past that He is paying close attention to all that goes on, and that He will be sure everything is used for His purposes regardless of how impossible it may seem. This book brought something to life deep inside of my heart that is hard to even put in words. Somehow, it introduced me to the God I always hoped was real... the God of infinite patience (not just tolerance), the God who loves in a deeply personal way (not just a blanket love that covers all humanity), the God who laughs and jokes (no condescending looks of "Don't you have something more important to think about?"), and most importantly, the God who makes sense of a world that makes no sense.

If you haven't had the chance to pick this up yet, I highly recommend it. No matter where you're at in your walk with God, I think when you finish reading this everything will seem just a little more real.

Prosperity

2008-12-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday night in Small Group, we discussed prosperity. It seems, in America anyway, when hearing the word prosperity most people's minds go directly to money and possessions. Even if you know better, often a mind can involuntarily go there before you rein it in and focus on the things you know truly make you prosperous.

Now let me just say I'm all for having money. I see no need to take a vow of poverty (although at some points in life it would appear I fully supported it.) Financial struggles are trying to say the least. I've never felt the need to have more than enough, but enough is really nice. That being said, I also know God has used some of the most trying times of my life to teach me and build me in the areas I needed it the most. While I don't prefer it, I can see the benefit that has come in not always having things be easy.

I really enjoyed the things I heard on Wednesday night, and thought I would share a couple of high points. One came from a young mother who is pregnant with her second child. Their family is going through the biggest financial struggle of their lives, but as you listened to her talk you found that she considers it instead to be the most precious time of her life. She and her husband both spoke of learning about faith in God, and the value of relationships both with him and within their family. Although they are as poor (monetarily) as they have ever been, they have never felt richer. And the truth of the matter is, they ARE rich. It all sounds so cliche, but if you could have the joy of hearing them speak, you would know they truly KNOW where their treasure is. They considered themselves to be prosperous, and they were visibly grateful.

Another man spoke of the struggles he has been through and his realization that he needed to stop everything else and really focus in on his relationship with God. He had forgotten that God would take care of all the details of life if he first focused on Him. He had such a desire to throw himself back into that relationship. And although there were times in his life where he really believed prosperity was achieving status and money, he was at a place where he realized his prosperity... the only prosperity he wanted... would come in his relationship with God.

Prosperity is so much bigger than money and stuff. I'm not saying we will ever quit wanting stuff. And I'm not even saying it's wrong to want stuff. I'm just saying perspective is everything. Want the stuff. Buy the stuff. But be aware it will never make you prosperous. True prosperity comes in your relationship with God, your relationships with family and friends, and the love in your heart that enables you to give the best of yourself freely to others.

My prayer this Christmas season is for all of us to experience a prosperity that surpasses anything we've even come close to approaching in the past.

And then to pass it on.

It's a Boy!

2008-12-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

You may remember many months ago when I mentioned my daughter was pregnant with our first grandson! (Searching for names...sound familiar?) Well, we went into the hospital at 4:30 a.m. on Sunday, December 7th and he was born at 11:33 a.m. 6 lbs, 8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long! The Name?

EZEKIEL MARTIN RAMIREZ.... as you can see, Ellie found the whole thing to be utterly exhausting!

We have a proud mommy....

and a proud daddy.....

and I can tell you all the rest of us are right in there with them! What a wonderful blessing for this Christmas season!

After the first day, we took Ellie home for a nap. Then, when it was time to go back to the hospital, I asked her, "Shall we go see Baby Ezekiel?" She proceeded to lay down in my arms and reply, "Baby Ellie." We were a little concerned at that point just how excited she was going to be to take this little boy home, but since then she has helped the nurse bathe him, she has fed him, and she has sung him the lullaby I wrote for her when she was born.

I think we're all in agreement now... he's definitely a keeper!

It's Been Awhile

2008-11-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Trust me, it's not because I haven't had anything to say. It's just that words have seemed so insufficient.

My oldest daughter is going away to college in January. And I do mean away. She's leaving for Minnesota. Now, since we're in Nebraska, that may not seem so far to most of you. But to me it may as well be the other side of the world. Keep in mind I cried (sobbed) when my daughters moved to north Lincoln. Don't get me wrong. I am SO, SO happy Jenelle is going to Northwestern College in Minnesota. It's a very REAL Christian college. Not the kind where everyone walks around acting super-spiritual and trying to impress everyone, but the kind where you have very real kids trying to make sense of everyday life intertwined with their Christianity. I'm so glad she has this opportunity.

I'm just going to miss her so much.

Then there's my younger daughter. Two weeks from giving us our second grandchild. What a blessing. And yet I can't resolve it within myself. She's just a baby herself, isn't she? How did she grow up so fast? Could she possibly be a mother of two already? She takes such good care of her husband and her daughter. And in two weeks she will have a son. It's overwhelming. Delightful, but overwhelming.

All I can say is I love the different stages of life. And I love the fact that God sees us through each one of them. They are so wonderful, yet so heartbreaking. How could I ever celebrate the joys triumphantly or recover from the pain so completely without Him?

Life is so unpredictable. So wonderful. So painful. So amazing. And I'm so glad I have a loving Father to walk with me through every stage.

The Princess and the Bumble Bee

2008-11-03T05:44:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen such beautiful granddaughters??? (Says every grandmother in the world!)

There's got to be a great children's story that could be written about a beautiful princess befriending this stunning bumble-bee. Certainly there would be no comparable adventure as they live through some incredible life-lesson together that, of course, has a moral at the end that you want to embroider on a pillow.

Leonard's son, Brad (who I proudly call my own son, too!) and his wife, Jess, dressed Keaton in the cutest little bumble-bee outfit I have ever seen! She and Ellie ended the night together at our house playing with playdough and Ellie quite literally bouncing off the walls from too much sugar. (Can you see Uncle Brad giving her one more lick of the little pacifier-pop????!!!)

This is one of my favorite times of the year... right up there with vacation time! I love the Fall Festival, followed by Halloween and getting to see the sparkle in all the children's eyes as they come dressed as their dream character! Next is the greatest meal of the year and Leonard's favorite holiday...Thanksgiving! And then we get to enter full-blown Christmas mode!

All these holidays, all the family time... it sure makes winter a whole lot easier to take!

Fall Festival

2008-10-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the Fall Festival. I love doing the fundraisers to raise money for it, I love cleaning up Jerry's ranch, I even love the shopping! (And ordinarily I am NOT a shopper.) I love going out and working hard to prepare everything before all the people get there. And most of all, I love the part when, after the sun is setting and the people are all there, we start the bonfire and the hayrack rides.

It's such a great atmosphere. Everyone talking and laughing, knowing in the back of their minds they're on the brink of facing another long winter. It's like the last hurrah. No one cares that the pumpkin patch is really just a bunch of store-bought pumpkins lying on the ground. No one is aware of how carefully we chose the decorations for the Alley of Terror ... the path that creeps through the trees by the pond... trying to be sure everyone would get their share of a frightful atmosphere without crossing the line into the demonic guck. (Not the easiest mission!) And definitely no one knows how much Jerry, Leonard, and I wig out at the last minute, totally convinced that we'll never pull it all together on time.

But we do. And it's always wonderful. It's a great time spent with friends out in the beautiful crisp air of the Fall season. The fire crackles, the kids run, the tractor labors in the distance pulling the hayrack around one more time. But the best sound of all? The sound of friendship. The sound of laughter. The sound of all the pressures of life being put on hold, if only for an evening, while we take time to enjoy life and enjoy each other. Friendship is such a powerful thing that we sometimes forget to fully appreciate.

But never on Fall Festival night.

The Things I Know

2008-10-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

I know God loves me . . .

But I don't always know I'm not a disappointment.

I know God will always take care of me . . .

But I don't think He will always keep me safe from harm.

I know God is in control.

But I know people make decisions that greatly affect their lives.

And I know sometimes bad stuff just happens.

It seems like everything I believe has a polar opposite that I believe just as strongly. Some of it is my own wrong thinking combined with my insecurities, but some of the other things can be backed pretty well with scripture.

Is it strange that I believe all of this and still feel a sense of closeness and calm toward God? I guess I don't think so, because what it boils down to is it doesn't really matter how safe we are, whether we suffer from our decisions, or even if God decides to teach us a hard lesson. What matters is He is right there with us. He never leaves us. He never gives up on us. He'll see us through every difficult moment.

You would think I just suffered some terrible disaster in my life, judging by where my thoughts are today. Oddly enough, everything is going amazingly well. In fact TWICE yesterday, God did far more for our family than we even dreamed possible. We are so, SO grateful for His wonderful gifts, but it seems my mind quickly goes to all the people I know who are suffering immensely right now. I know . . . I absolutely KNOW God loves them deeply. We've been through our hard times. We've had our turns. And it's pretty doubtful we'll get through the rest of our lives without having a few more turns. It's an imperfect, sinful world and we shouldn't be surprised that bad stuff happens.

But when I see the good things displayed right next to the excruciatingly painful things . . . when I know my friends are suffering and there's really nothing we can do but care . . . it makes me think about all the many facets of God. I hate when people say "I'm blessed" because something good is happening. We who live in relationship with God are blessed no matter what. Jesus did what He did for all of us . . . and nothing this (sometimes stinking) world throws at us can ever change that.

So sometimes this world just sucks. But knowing God is right there with us . . . Knowing He is going through every moment of every trial right next to us, holding us up whenever needed . . . Knowing His love for us is deeper than we could possibly imagine . . . Knowing in the end He will have the final word. Those are the things that give me great peace. They get me through my own trials and the pain of watching others suffer. I have felt the power of His love as it broke through seemingly impossible situations. I know what it is to be lifted up after feeling you've sunk so low you can never stand again. His love is a powerful thing. Whether we are celebrating victories or trying to find our way through the darkest of days, we are blessed. Because He will never, ever leave us.

Sweetness of Life

2008-10-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

At a time when everyone's focus seems to be on all that is wrong with the world, I find myself enjoying my simple little life with my simple little family all the more. We haven't lost a lot of money in the stock markets, because we never had that much to lose. We haven't lost our expensive home because we have quite an inexpensive home (built in the 1920's, if you want to know what old really is!) But that inexpensive home holds treasure that is much more valuable than anything on Wall Street. It holds our memories.

Yesterday Rachel came over with Ellie to hang out for a little while before they had to pick up Aaron from work. We live on a dead-end street across from a park, and for some reason Ellie thinks every time she comes over I'm going to take her to the park. (Probably because every time she comes over, I take her to the park). Yesterday there wasn't time... they had to leave to get Aaron. But Ellie decided to make a run for it! She started running across the park toward the playground as fast as her little legs would take her. I started running after her, and I couldn't help but laugh because she looked soooo funny with her little butt swinging back and forth and her legs kicking out to the sides! Once I caught her, I scooped her up and she giggled all the harder!

That sound of her giggling makes me smile even today. In the midst of the financial crisis, the housing crisis, and every other problem in the world today, a little child was giggling. And when I weigh one against the other, all I can think is, "Life is Good."

Busy Busy Busy

2008-10-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

I never used to feel like I was too busy, and back in the day I was busy almost ALL THE TIME. It just didn't matter. I had lots of energy and I thrived on challenge. Not to mention, most of the time I was doing things I loved. (I guess we're really all busy ALL the time, it's just a matter of what we're busy doing.)

These days, it seems I get tired. Maybe it has to do with getting older, but I'm not totally convinced of that. Most of us who are 40-ish and 50-ish have plenty of energy for the things we WANT to do. It just seems like we lean more toward the recreational-type stuff. Maybe we feel like we've paid our dues and it's time to enjoy life. I know for certain that although I enjoyed raising my girls, there was a big sigh of relief once they became grown and I knew their life-choices were no longer my responsibility. It's kind of like going back to when Leonard and I first met. "It's just you and me, baby!" We can do whatever we want, whenever we want.

All of this would be well and good . . . except I really don't want to live life for myself. That's not what I want my life to be about. I really do want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to inspire people to search for God. I want to be a blessing to people.

If only I could get past this secondary desire to just coast through the rest of my life.

We've been talking about joy in our Small Group. Because of that, I noticed something in a song that I normally wouldn't have noticed. "The joy of the Lord is my strength". I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard that through the years, but for the very first time it really impacted me. His joy gives us strength.

People down Red Bull by the case to keep their energy level up (personally I've never touched the stuff... my thinking is "what goes up must come down"!!!) But God has given us the real thing. His joy gives us strength. If I ever get to author my own Message Bible it will say, "It's like the Red Bull that never goes dry". Can you imagine feeling fully-charged and ready to face any challenge? Can you imagine being full of excitement over the magnitude of possibilities? It may seem like focusing on the task at hand would help us get psyched up, but once again the Bible gives us an answer that doesn't necessarily make sense in the world's thinking.

Focus on Him. Abide in Him. Let His love permeate your soul. Be filled with His joy. And suddenly everything else looks a whole lot brighter...... and most definitely a lot more fun.

Everything will be okay

2008-09-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a little girl, there were many times my insecurities would get the best of me. Of course, being so young, I really didn't know they were insecurities. All I knew was I'd get this horrible, almost "homesick" kind of feeling and I just needed to be near my Grandma. It could happen when I was with my friends, or even when I was sitting in my own house with Grandma in the next room. Suddenly I'd feel alone and afraid and I had to go find my Grandma.

It was amazing how Grandma could fix everything. Often times I'd just climb up into the brown recliner with her and sit quietly beside her. She didn't have to say or do anything. She just had to be near, and I knew everything would be okay.

Grandma was my first glimpse of God. She died quite a long time ago, but just the thought of her still warms my heart. It was her love that first caused my heart to come to life. It was her love that challenged me to search for more... to believe there were better things than what I had seen. It was her love that opened my eyes to the fact that security existed.

Today there are many issues that come and go in my life. It's one obstacle after another intertwined with one joy after another. I have grown enough that I am usually pretty confident that one way or another things will always work out. But every now and then I catch myself becoming anxious and even a little afraid. And as the old insecurities threaten to surface once again, I know exactly where to go. It's right where my Grandma's love pointed me from the beginning. I sit quietly near God.

And as I sit near Him . . . even if nothing is being said or done . . . I just know everything will be okay.

Coming home

2008-09-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

Leonard and I were in St. Paul, Minnesota for the past 5 days on a business trip. I use the term "business trip" loosely, because there was also a lot of fun! We love to get away together, but coming home is always so nice. One of the reasons it's so nice is we get to come home to this:

Ellie is always so very happy to see us! And she brightens whatever room she happens to be in. Last night we went over to their apartment when Rachel was putting Ellie to bed. "Unfortunately" I was too loud when we entered and Ellie heard me. She popped right out of bed and came out to see Grandma. Then I had to rock her, read her books, and play with her blocks as she screeched with delight! It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

I love coming home.